Friday, October 05, 2012
So, I figured I'd just do a small update as to what's been going on lately. Post comp blues hit me HARD, real hard. For a while there I started to resent the gym and the entire lifestyle..mad about how far it took me from my social life and "normal" activities. I threw up my hands and said screw it to the diet, screw the workouts, have fun because life is too short. As an extremist, I'm always on one side or the other. Either I'm working to have the best, most vibrant and perfect towel there is..or the towel is thrown in and burned at the stake. So, I tried getting back to it multiple times..forcing myself to become ready again because I hated how I look. I would do good in the mornings and by nightfall I'd say fck it!! I want to go have fun, it doesnt matter how I look and I dont make memories by sitting home eating my chicken and going to bed early. So there I was... TGiFridays every night.. sweet potato fries with cheese and brownie obsession desserts by the dozen...wine, drinks, etc. 10 weeks of up and down, up and down. Hating and loving my life for my choices. Finally, a couple weeks ago something clicked within me. I had checked into therapy after competition to sort out my disordered eating and was able to uncover so many deeper issues that lead to my body image problems. One particular conversation I had with my therapist really put things into a different perspective for me. She explained the theory about "parts of self" and how no one part is inherantly bad and each part means well but sometimes one particular part can get aggitated and obsessive in attempts to fulfill a need. For me, I have two very combative and slightly mutually exclusive parts of me. One side, my "let it go" side LOVES to drink, eat, go out, do what I want, not give a crap about anything and stop obsessing and stressing about life. The other side, my "be the best" side loves to excel, exceed, go above and beyond what normal people are willing to do so that I can win, win, win and outshine everyone else. For the past few months both sides of me have been struggling to be in the forefront of my brain. It is virtually impossible to be 100% of either part, because the two are so mutually exclusive. Finally, once I stopped pressuring myself to let go of my "Let it Go" part, I started to realize what truly makes me happy. Instead of believing that I was inherantly a bad person for wanting to "be lazy and fat" I started to look at it different. I began to realize that the other side of me really does mean well and just because I want to let loose and have fun sometimes it doesnt mean that I should go completely reckless off the deep end with it. Once I let off the pressure my motivation came back. I jumped on the scale to have a starting point. Boom. 30lbs from stage weight. 30 freaking pounds. The morning I weighed myself I went back and forth between sobbing uncontrollably and laughing at just how silly my splurge was. There was nobody to blame but myself..HOWEVER, just because I gained weight it did NOT make me a bad person. I have always believed that my self worth was directly proportionate to the amount I weighed. I look back and would think to myself "I was failing at life" if I was chubbier and that I was "successful" when I was skinnier. Gaining 30lbs in 10 weeks really forced me into learning how to process things in a different way. Underneath I am still the same person. Yes, your shell will put a showcase on all your habits (good or bad)..but it isnt set in stone. You are in control of the shell you choose to bear, and you can always shrink it or grow it based on what your priorities are in your life. The trick is being able to accept responsibility for the choices you make without having excuses. Yes, I gained 30lbs. NO, there will be no "woe is me" story. No, there will not be any "you are a horrible person" story either. This time I tell myself "Haha, you had some fun after competition. You enjoyed it and got it out of your system, but now its time to go back to work"...I got to go, I will finish later.