Friday, October 05, 2012
Today, we ate lunch together as a company. It was a part of a 2 month team building event where we've had a team orientated Masterchef competition where different departments cook for and serve the other departments. It's been a lot of fun.
As we're eating some very hot very Durban curry, I ate a little bit of everything (except the fish because there is nothing "clean" about boxed fish sticks). A new colleague of mine mentioned that she stopped eating carbs about a year ago and has lost 30lbs.
I was struck for a moment. Here I've been stuffing my face with anything that sounds good, aiming for the cleaner version where possible but was still eating curried rice (white), and I suddenly felt guilty. But as I sat there, I realised I wasn't guilty. I didn't feel bad- I felt like I should have felt bad, because that is what I do. Like many women, I eternally carry with me unneeded guilt. Ah, but this time, I wasn't guilty.
And I smiled at her, and said, "Oh my! That's great!" without needing to shove my own success in there- without needing to mention that I saw 50lbs down recently- that I "used to be a fatty" but "I'm much thinner now". No, there wasn't that strange compulsion to compare or self-deprecate. I didn't say, "Oh I should try that" or "Gosh, I wouldn't mind losing 30 lbs!" or any nonsense. I just moved on.
And I feel so at peace. That finally, finally I am not just a fat girl. Am I tiny? Far from it. Do I have work I still need and want to do on my body? You bet.
But the compulsion to share, to define myself by my new/old/potential size, to dwell in who I was, was surpassed today. And This is a major victory for me today. A major victory.