Friday, October 05, 2012
Today, I woke up with terribly sore legs. I do not blame the soreness, yesterday was my best exercise day ever. I walked approximately 2.7 miles pushing a stroller going up small hills and down. The whole thing took me 2 hours in total. I was happy, especially because after all that walk, then I went to the Zoo and added more walking which amount I am not counting towards exercise. But then I come home, and I know I have maintained my weight loss that I managed to lose in the first week, but now almost another 4 weeks later, I am still to lose any more weight. It feels as if the darn weight gain curse just wont break. I always managed to lose up to 205 was my lowest, then it always shoots back up to 230. Doctors say that I need medication to lose the weight due to all my health problems that don't allow my body to function normal, but I truly thought I could do it because I am aware of what I eat, I try to eat healthier, lord knows I eat almost home cooked meals, rather than fast food, except when in emergency and I have no other choice, but it is rare. I may not be aerobic but I do walk a lot, and I walk up hill down hill, which ever, and yet still not a single pound has dropped again. It at times makes me feel so angry. I just want to lose it, be healthy, be happy with who I am, but now I just feel like tossing the darn weight machine in the garbage. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I have kept the small weight loss off, but why cant I lose any more? Why cant I just reach under 200? I truly hoped that before Thanksgiving I would. Holidays are the hardest occasion for people trying to control their eating and get healthier given to customs, but if I could go under that darn 200 I truly felt like it would be a motivation to fight temptation given that one big goal would have been reached.
I do not know, maybe today I am just having an angry morning with myself because yesterday I craved horribly chocolate cake and I ate some. I did gave my daughter close to half of the one serving I was eating, but I still feel guilty for even having eaten what I did. I guess I am the true reason why I cannot lose weight, because I just do not know how to really go about losing weight the right way. Before, when younger, I managed but in a very harmful way, a way that I am trying hard not to repeat now, but I guess, I do not know what I guess, I suppose I am just having one of those guilty mornings simply because I allowed myself to indulge last night.
Hopefully in the next 4 weeks I could at least write that I reached 205 or even better 200, we will see. But I truly feel that if I do not lose some weight by December, then just like all the other times I tried, I probably will just give up and that would be the saddest thing of all..........................