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My personal struggle and the stupid things people say...

Friday, October 05, 2012

June 2007 244 lbs (Began changing habits)
January 2008 214 lbs (It was paying off)
January 2008-March 2010 (218 lbs) (Maintained but no further loss)

March-April-May: Debilitating EXHAUSTION. DIZZINESS. WEIGHT GAIN, Massive weight gain!
JUNE 2010 278 lbs :( MY REACTION: WHAT!!!! HOW?!!! WHY!!!?? NO DEPRESSION, NO FAST FOOD AND NO SODA!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

ACTION TAKEN: Call the doctor's office. Get asked if my eating habits changed. "No, not at all." See the doctor. "Your hormones are fine." ME: SOMETHING IS WRONG!!!

Next Action Taken: See a few specialists. 9 month wait to see an Endocrinologist #1. 9 month wait because "it's not an emergency!" See the Endocrinologist.( December 2010) Tells me that "calories don't from the air" and that "Nothing is wrong." :( Did I mention I waited 9 months for that!!!

See Endocrinologist #2 (5-6 months later) Get diagnosed with Hypothyroidism and PCOS. (already knew about the PCOS for YEARS. FINALLY got diagnosed!!

June 2011 Begin lowest dose of Levothyroxine.

June 2011-June 2012 STILL EXHAUSTED. BRAIN FOG AND ALL those lovely symptoms that come with Hypothyroidism (Dry skin, puffy face and hands, etc.)

September 2012: Change thyroid medication. Begin feeling better but NO WEIGHT Loss.
(I DO NOT EXPECT the thyroid medicine to help me lose weight...and understand that it won't but I have been trying for a long time now!!!)
Last weigh in at doctor's office: 276 emoticon

(I've been bouncing between 270-278 for two years now. UGH x 10! I eat healthier than my entire family and I am the fattest one!

October 2012: Begin my movement mission and begin working out once again. I couldn't do it when I was exhausted. Exercise does not help exhaustion caused from
undiagnosed or under treated Hypothyroidism. At least for me it didn't. My body forced me to choose sleep over exercise! I was that tired!! As for my movement mission, so far, so good! I have been getting in 30 minutes everyday and yesterday, I got in a little over an hour!
My family is brought a load of junk into the house but I haven't caved. They brought ice cream, pizza rolls, cookies, and more. :( It's not like they are exercise buffs, either!
Did I mention, I am the fattest one...UGH!! They think I am the food police. I don't police what anyone eats. I just don't want to hear someone who weighs 100 lbs less than me complain about being fat when they the eat junk. What do you THINK is going to happen?

Along with this struggle, I have had many emotions. Relief that I have a diagnosis iConfusion, frustration, anger. I felt devastated and felt that I had no control over my own body. I even felt guilty when I ate even though I was hungry and sometimes, I even cried. emoticon because I was SO worried that I would gain another 60 lbs in 3 months and sometimes, I still worry about that!

Even though I haven't lost weight, I have come a long way. I am being much kinder to myself but it is still a battle. I am feeling a lot more positive but there are still moments when I get overwhelmed.

Sometimes, I get frustrated because people will complain about their weight and say how AWFUL they look and how huge they ARE. I understand they are expressing their feelings toward themselves BUT at 276, I do not want to hear someone who is 180 lbs talk about how HUGE they are. A couple people said, they are NOT going to CONSIDER how I FEEL. Well EXCUSE ME, but they are expecting me to listen and be considerate of their feelings and I expect the same in return. I even ask them politely not to do that because it makes me FEEL TERRIBLE. I understand 180 lbs may be someone's highest weight and they are frustrated and they have EVERY right to feel how they feel about their body BUT I have every right to feel how I feel too. The people I ask not to do that STILL do it anyway. I think that they think I understand more because I am a lot heavier but it still gets to me sometimes.

Stupid things (that are meant to be encouraging/well intended but aren't) that people say:
"I have Hypothyroidism and I lost weight." AND?

"If I can do it, you can SURELY, do it." We do not have the same body. We do not take the same medication and we do not have the same hormone levels so SURELY, you can't be serious. If I am venting on a blog, it means I am struggling. It's not helpful to tell me what I can SURELY do it. If I could SURELY do it, it would be done...

This one is from a Spark coach. "If you gained X amount of weight in 3 months, you would have HAD to be eating over 3,000 calories. No, I did not HAVE to be. I WASN'T!
I KNOW, I WAS THERE!!!! I am NOT in DENIAL either. Jut because YOU MAY HAVE BEEN IN DENIAL DOESN'T mean every FAT/OBESE PERSON IS.... Not only that but HORMONE DISORDERS DO NOT CARE WHETHER YOU EAT RIGHT OR EXERCISE. HORMONES that are imbalanced = the cause of weight gain. Calories aren't always the culprit. Hoe does anyone with a brain NOT understand this?

"I don't understand why an endocrine or autoimmune disorder would cause weight gain. Calories are calories, after all." Please go to your local library, go to the science section and look under the following categories: Endocrinology, and internal medicine! Also, go to the Psychology section and read about medications for depression and other mental illnesses. You will find causes of weight gain that have nothing to do with calories!

The most annoying of all: "People can't go blaming their weight gain on their thyroid..that's just an excuse." Excuse me, have you ever had hypothyroidism or any thyroid disorder for that matter? What's that you say? NO? THEN HOW IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU KNOW? YOU DON'T. Plain and simple. YOU DON'T KNOW what anyone goes through unless YOU experience yourself!

Of course I know most of those things are well intentioned but sometimes, they feel like a slap in the face.

Just to be perfectly clear, I do not blame ALL of my weight on my endocrine disorders.
I attribute the 60 lbs I gained rapidly in 2010 to them and the rest, I take responsibility for. Like I said, I know what happened, I was there!!!

It's difficult enough to go through this crazy roller coaster struggle. It's also difficult to see other people lose weight with just a little bit of effort when you are legitimately trying your hardest, but when people say or assume stupid things, that's the worst. :O

I love the support and comments and even though some comments frustrate me at times, I do know that people mean well. I won't ever forget that but I hope you keep in mind what I said, too. :)

I just wanted to get that off my chest because I keep hearing how people make choices and their choices have consequences but sometimes, a person faces a situation that is beyond their control and that really was the point. Not only that but every person is different so what works for you isn't going to work for someone else. Of course, healthy eating and exercise are givens for everyone but everything else isn't.

I am still here and I am still trying! :)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1958 days ago
    Thank you for writing this. It may seem weird that I'm thanking you, but it's a good thing to let it all out sometimes and say your truth. (Everyone has their truth in their life and no one can change your truth within yourself.) To bury it will make it snowball. So thank you for being honest with what you're feeling.

    I understand a lot of what you're saying. People speak without realizing how their words affect us. I'm opposite of you in that due to a medical condition I had to give up eating and became underweight from my body eating itself. Some people said I was lucky because they had no idea how serious it is. Some said I looked so healthy and fit, but I was (and still am) the exact opposite. My body is malfunctioning, as is yours, and people who haven't been through it can't understand. But also know you have the right to walk away or not respond to someone who is ignorant. If they're complaining to you or saying something ridiculous, say "I'm sorry, I have to go" or something similar and walk away. No need to subject yourself to that negativity.

    I want to add a disclaimer. I don't remember reading your blogs before, so please forgive me if I suggest something that doesn't make sense. As you said I want to help, but I might fall short and land flat on my face while looking like an idiot. Anything I suggest is for you to consider and do with as you will. Sometimes having a comment from another perspective will help us think of something we haven't before.

    You can take what I say here or leave it. These are just things for you to consider. 1) Have you tried other specialties? There could be more going on than you realize. 2) Have you considered traveling to another city or state to find different doctors? If you're coming in from out of town they are sometimes more sympathetic and even give you a chance to see multiple doctors over several days. (This is what I've had to do because of the complexity of my diagnoses.) 3) If you have not tried talk therapy, it might be of use. It is a safe place to get out everything that's bothering you. Medical conditions can affect our attitudes and moods drastically, so even if it is only for a few sessions it might be helpful. It has been for me. 4) When you're feeling down, remind yourself that your body is malfunctioning and you are doing everything you can to hang in there until it is figured out and gets better (might not be cured, but better is good too). This helps me when things get really bad and I feel like I have no control.

    Best wishes to you in your journey to better health. I won't say good luck because it's your perseverance that will be what gets you through this rough time. I praise your efforts and I hope you do too.
    1964 days ago
    Ugh! You are so correct, and when I was first diagnosed with a hypothyroid I remember feeling so exhausted! Respect your body and what it is telling you!
    Even when my blood levels are good, there are times when just gain weight for no apparent reason. I have times though when it just comes off, so you probably will too in the future. It will be a struggle but it is definitely worth the fight! I have goals of being in what society considers a healthy weight range, but even if I never reach it (I am sure trying to) the changes I have made will make me a healthier person. The first time I went to the gym after gaining the weight, I must have complained to the trainer who also owned the gym. What he said to me has stuck. Weight does not determine how fit you are, I have seen many people that are within the "healthy weight range" that can not even walk up a flight of stairs. Your level of activity and ablilities define how fit you are. emoticon
    1964 days ago
    People do say insensitive things without monitoring thoughts. But you are a wonderful, beautiful, sensitive woman no matter what your weight is at the time. For those who can not appreciate you for who you are, maybe they do not need to be in your life right now.

    1964 days ago
  • KALLIE1958AR
    1964 days ago
    Good for you for advocating for yourself and getting your diagnosis! Think of all the people who would have just listened to the first doctor and given up. Good luck on your journey.
    1964 days ago
    If you could see through my computer and to me sitting here you'd see me applauding you! I do not suffer with any thyroid condition but have my own issues that have contributed to my life long struggles with weight and I to have heard people, doctors included, say stupid things like "you're not trying hard enough." Anyways, why I was so happy to read your blog today is because I am so happy that you are strong enough to put it all out there. Keep expressing yourself and telling your story because there are many people who can relate and many that can learn so much for your story. Thank you for sharing it with us.
    1964 days ago
    This is your blog, you say what you feel like you need to say. Its all important, and there's no point in just putting out happy blogs if that's not what you feel you need to do. This is not an easy path for anyone to take, let alone someone with the added "bonus" of hormone issues, and its frustrating. I know (I gained about 30 pounds when I was first diagnosed, but for different reasons). Anyway, just know that we are all here to support you in whatever way we can.

    I apologize if some of my suggestions are frustrating to you, please know that is not how they are meant, that they come from a place of encouragement and hope. I know that everyone is different, everyone's body is different, everyone's situation is different.... here's what I'm trying to get at; I'm part of another forum (not weight-loss related) and someone there posted something that really struck me. I'm paraphrasing, but I hope you'll get the point:
    There's lots of ideas and suggestions and information out there. Some of it will apply to you, some of it won't. So take what you need, what you find helpful, and leave the rest.

    emoticon emoticon

    emoticon (and a mullet just because everyone needs a mullet every now and then)
    1964 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/5/2012 11:59:02 AM
    That was a lot to hold in! I'm glad you were able to get it out. Sometimes we all can get so wrapped up in our own dramas that comments can seem insensitive-- even if it's coming from a positive place. You are definitely taking charge of your health with your diet and exercise. Stay focused and keep blogging because we're in this together!
    1964 days ago
    You are wonderful! Thank you for sharing your story. In reality we cannot live on lettuce alone. Ha.... I literally starve myself because no amount of exercise helps. I was a girl who grew up playing soccer, track and field, baseball - the whole nine yards. I always liked being active. But being sooooo tired to the point of being comatose and my body NOT burning calories is an uphill battle. Terrible thing to have to live through... people just don't understand. But I'm grateful to people like you. Your story and the stories from others with similar medical conditions makes it better. Thanks again for sharing!
    1965 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/5/2012 10:44:47 AM
    Thank you, thank you thank you!!! I am so glad I found your blog!! I feel the same way! I am finally losing some weight (very slowly), but I had to give up wheat and most other grains, I also eat about 1200 calories a day and I have begun a walking program. Yes, I do feel better, but yes, it is frustrating as hell that I have to try so freaking hard when I see others doing it so much easier!! Don't get me wrong, I am still grateful to be losing at all and I am glad that I have the ability to exercise. I have many symptoms of MS in addition to hypo-thyroidism, but so far no diagnosis.

    I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time and I wish I could help. I hope you feel a little bit better just knowing you are not alone. Thanks again!

    Kelly emoticon
    1965 days ago
    You can share your story as much as you need to. People obsess about their weight even at 120pounds. Really, that is a sickness in its own right. Next time, some one says something stupid to you, you can thank them for their input and proceed to tell them that you are a grown woman who is taking charge of her health in her own way. Short and sweet. I find with rudies that make personal comments that the less feedback you give them about yourself the better off you are. emoticon
    1965 days ago
  • SYZYGY922
    Ugh, I feel you. I'm lucky in that my thyroid is mostly being managed well right now. I still have weird symptoms, but I'm much better than I was. I had the same reactions from doctors before I was diagnosed. I was eating right and exercising 3-4 times a week and I kept gaining and gaining and gaining but my lab reports kept coming back normal. No one believed me! So, I get your frustration. I know there are answers out there for you and it's not hopeless even though it feels like it can be. When I was 21 I gained 40 or 50 lbs in a year and my hair was falling out and a doctor actually said to me "You've got too much underneath your head and not enough on top!" like my thyroid-affected appearance was a huge joke.

    When I first went on my thyroid meds and Metformin, I lost 75 lbs without even trying. I had already given up on losing weight at that time and it just fell off. To me that just proves that there was an imbalance before I was on meds. I gained most of it back later (I became sedentary for medical reasons and I ate horrible food) but I've lost it again. I think I'm having hormone issues AGAIN and I might be stuck at my current weight for a while, but I'm okay with that, actually.

    I still have issues with my hair and I'm afraid to tell people about it because I get rude comments like "if you take your meds, you shouldn't have that problem" or they act like I'm obviously malnourished or something and it's MY fault.

    I lose weight really slowly and I get jealous of people who are just zipping along, but I manage.

    I was riding my bike the other day and I was feeling self-conscious because I'm really slow and lots of people were passing me, and I remembered something that Chalene Johnson says at the end of one of her fitness videos. She says "Be YOUR best, be YOUR fittest. Don't compare yourself to other people." That made me feel better about being slow on the bike and in weight-loss, but I know it's worse when people make ignorant comments.

    Don't worry about complaining on your blog. That's what blogs are for!

    1965 days ago
  • KANOE10
    Hang in there. Thyroid issues can be tricky. Make sure you take the medicine an hour before eating food and also 3 hours away from calcium supplements.

    Everyone has their own personal struggles..and as you say no one knows what you are going through except you. Losing weight is hard.

    Try to understand that people who are always commenting on their weight, even though you may think they are thin, are at least caring about their health.

    emoticon emoticon
    1965 days ago
    I soooo, could have written this blog(except for the tyroid part and insert Fibromyalgia) I understand medication weight gain, I understand pain weight gain and I am so sorry that you have to go through it too. Its a VERY long hard emotional road that I have been on for a few years now. And I am TIRED of it, just like you but we can and will do this together, I am here for you!!!
    1965 days ago

    Nope, I am not at ALL tired of hearing your story, so keep on sharing if it's helpful to you.
    I agree with you, we all have our personal struggles and what works for one person doesn't, or may not, work for another. However, lol, I am hypothryoid and am losing weight, and I am 166 pounds and hate my weight, so you might be tempted to remove me as your friend, LOL. (hope not!)
    I am glad that you realize that mostly, people come from a good place.
    Unless we walk in each other's shoes we don't know the true story. We just have to keep coming from that good place of offering hope and support.
    1965 days ago
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