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Day 214/90

Thursday, October 04, 2012

I left some feedback about my BodyMedia feedback today:

"So I get this: "All in all you are losing weight slower than your goal. However, if you want to get to your goal weight of 135 lbs around your target date of Monday, March 18, 2013, you could try changing your weight loss rate to 2 lbs/week. Good luck!" If I am following the calorie deficit, and not losing 1.5 lbs per week, how am I supposed to now lose 2 lbs/week? Let me repeat for clarity: If I can't lose 1.5 lbs/week, how do you expect me to lose 2 lbs/week? That doesn't even make sense! I would loooove to lose 2 lbs/week. But if I can't lose even 1 lb per week, how am I supposed to lose 2? Either this thing is seriously flawed in tracking my calories burned OR your weight loss formula (which is one size fits all, like it or not, guys) is seriously flawed."

I was 176.4 today. Yesterday... I was 177.7. I haven't lost a goddamn pound! I am still at the same weight range I was when I started! How much do I need to not eat in order to lose weight? BodyMedia says I should eat around 1900 calories a day based on how many calories I burn. No weight loss. In order to lose weight, I need to be hungry. Which is fine for a few days, but then it gets old fast.


I felt little guns under my fat today. I'm getting stronger under my fat. Woo. Hoo.

I am in a bad mood. I don't know why I bother trying. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. If I just gave up, I could eat pizza. If I don't give up, I don't lose weight but I do get pizza. This whole process has taught me a lot.

It's taught me that no matter how hard you try, you may never reach your goals. Because you're just not good enough for some goals. You just have to accept what you have.

It's taught me that if you keep trying the same thing over and over, it still won't work. And if you try something different, you'll probably gain weight.

It's taught me that being fat is probably the worst thing in the world to be. I mean, you might hear the term 'butterface' but you're more likely to hear the "she'd be so pretty if she lost some weight." Oh, fat is ugly. Oh yes, and lazy, too. I've had all sorts of sh*tty things happen to me in my lifetime, but being fat is the most persistent, and probably the worst. I guess dying will one day top it.

I've learned that you can work really really really hard for a long time, but a couple days of weakness will wreck it all.

I've learned that determination for other aspects of life can't be applied to weight loss. For example, if I was writing my dissertation, and I had a bad day and forgot to write something, it didn't start EFFING DELETING ITSELF. Yea, basically, trying to lose weight is like writing the worst research paper ever, and if you mess up, make a typo, don't have time to work on it for a couple days, the stupid piece of crap just starts deleting itself. "Oh, I see you worked hard for three weeks... well, guess what? You know how you didn't work on my for a couple days? I deleted your figures. Make them again. In APA format. BWAHAHAHA...."

I've learned that people notice when you gain weight. They say "Oh, you're looking good! You've been losing weight!" Which means that a) you didn't look good before, and b) they took notice, and c) they are comparing the way you looked before to the way you look now. Which means that d) if you gain the weight again - you guessed it - they notice, and they think you look like sh*t.

Like I said: bad mood. Not in an encouraging mood today. I still did my Zumba on the Wii though.

And why the F*CK do those SparkPuritans not allow swearing in blogs? Aren't we all effing adults!? JESUS H CHRIST. I like to F*CKING SWEAR!

Edit: I'm not sad. I'm mad. Being mad is much more fun and productive.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow, everyone... thanks! These are all such great, and hilarious, comments! I don't know what I would do without the support of my Spark Friends. :)
    1835 days ago
    I totally hear you on the one step forward tow steps back bull sh*t. Sometimes I feel like I may as well eat whatever I want and be happy than to eat healthy and stress myself out because I didn't burn enough to make a difference when its going to end up the same in the end! I'm totally at this point now,I worked really hard to only be the same after falling off the wagon for a few days. I also feel that the caloric intake guidelines are ridiculous and how can anyone eat that much in a day!? I have tried to experiment with what balance works for me but still haven't found it yet in order to shed 1-2 lbs a week :( ah well...keep on keeping on. Also, if its any consolation, when you look at the people on here that are "weight loss success stories" you do notice that they succeeded over a span of a few years so that within itself gives me hope!

    Just know you're not alone in the struggle!
    1836 days ago
    There's my friend!!! Oh man. You've had her hidden away pretty good. But I was never convinced. The expletives come from your core. Don't fight it!

    There's some good comments here. I can't top any of them so I'm not even gonna try. I just beg of you, please don't quit. At least you recognize that you're having a bad day and you've also recognized what happens when you slip up. Try not to let the first one cause the second one. That just leads to more bad days. Maybe go back and reread your journal entries for your good days. Maybe try to think if there was something you did differently. Regardless, it sounds like you need to be reminded that you have had some success and how good it feels when you do.

    I do think your calorie limit might be a little high. I'm thinking the reason they suggested that you change your goal from 1.5 pounds/week to 2 pounds/week is because thier calculations of your calorie input vs. output would change. If your goal is to lose 2/week instead of 1, then they'd probably have you eating less calories or burning more or some mixture. My goal with Sparkpeople is set to lose 2/week even though I'd really be happy if I could even lose .5/week. But I have it set at 2/week because it lowers my calorie range and I think that's where I should be.

    As for living within a lower calorie limit, water is my first line of defense against hunger. It works. I know you struggle with it. I load mine up with ice because I hate the taste of warm water; it actually triggers a gag reflex. I read an article about how hunger and thirst give you the same feeling so it's easy to misinterpret being thirsty for being hungry. I also read that when you drink cold water, your body burns calories in the process of warming it up to body temperature. Not a whole lot, but some. ~shrug~ It makes sense. I'm not skipping any workouts just to drink cold water though.
    1837 days ago
    You are cracking me up. emoticon

    I can relate. It's frustrating that weight loss happens slower than we want, but I do believe that if we're doing everything we should, the weight will come off. It will. I''ve been really good at sticking to my calorie limit for the last 5-6 weeks, and I lost 4 pounds. SLOW GOING! I got frustrated with this slowness, had a piggish day, realized that defeats the purpose -- I was after all making progress, slow progress, but progress nonetheless.

    So stick with it. Take some time to think of what you might need to change. How's your nutrition? Are you eating the right kinds of foods? Are you working out "smart"? By that I mean, I used to walk A LOT, and it finally occurred to me that you have to walk REALLY A LOT to burn many calories. Make sure you're getting a good sweaty workout AND strength training.

    Just throwing a few ideas out there. You'll see the progress! It just -- unfortunately -- takes some time!

    1837 days ago
    *#($*(#$(*$&#((*!@#(*$(*%()$^$^@#! -- I'd love to say that with swear words. I know what you mean... Stick with it. Overcome the rage and use it to go do a killer workout.
    1837 days ago

    Let's head out to a shooting range and kill our scales.
    (Seriously, how satisfying would that be?)

    Then we can rent a convertible, head west, pick up a hitchhiker that looks like Brad Pitt and drive ourselves over a cliff, it'll be fab!

    Oh, and Bonus: I'm older, so I get to be Susan Sarandon, which means I get to have Hollywood's Best Rack (TM)! You, however, as Geena Davis, get to be married to Jeff Goldblum (for a short time, anyway), which is pretty awesome, too!

    Let's make this happen, baby, because I can so rock a headscarf! (not really)

    Edited because I f*cking forgot: I like to f*cking swear, too, g*dd*mmit, and I guess we're not allowed to type sh*t like that because it might offend some delicate a$$h@le c*nts who don't understand the value of well-placed expletive. M*therf*ckers!
    1837 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/5/2012 10:13:23 AM
    The last time I was that mad, I rage cleaned the kitchen. So I agree, being mad can be more productive. :)

    And even if you're not losing weight, at least you're eating right and exercising, which still helps to protect your body and make it work better!
    1837 days ago
    Hoo boy . . . bad day in Blackrock for sure. wish I knew what to tell ya . . . I don't. I have gone thru the same thing. All I can say for ME is this I just KNEW there was something rotten in the state of Denmark going on in my body and I was really, really, really (clearly stated REALLY!) discouraged. NOTHING BUDGED! NOTHING. And I was HUNGRY -- H-U-N-G-R-Y (is there anything larger than caps?) Anyway, I finally decided time to get a physical because something HAD to be wrong. You're right that the one-size-all approach to a healthy lifestyle and weight loss just doesn't make sense, and I have been thru enough of those cruddy diets -- fad and not fad -- to know that for sure. Bottomline -- I alread had thyroid disese (autoimmune Hashimotos thyroiditis) -- basically the thyroid was toast. That = WEIGHT GAIN, WEIGHT GAIN, WEIGHT GAIN! Now I wasn't looking to be a friggin' toothpick. Just not OBESE. And at 4 ft. 10-1/2 in, close to +/- 200 lbs. I was O-B-E-S-E . . . no matter what I did. Finally got a physical. Found out I had type 2 insulin resistant diabetes.

    Once I started treatment for that my metabolism started to act in a 1/2 way humane manner and I lost weight . . . slowly. POint being, maybe for you there's something going on????

    For me, I'd have to say that since my thyroid was already crapped out with an autoimmune process, then my blood sugars started going bonkers, I probably had (but the Dr. never said so, but I think she is wrong in that area) metabolic syndrome. So, had I not FINALLY found out that my blood sugar was 300 (norm is 75-99) I would probably never have lost a stinkin' lb.

    I totally get your frustration. But do consider, if you haven't already, getting blood work to make sure there's not something going on with the thyroid or something like tye 2. Especially if you carry your weight in your abdomen. That fat sends it's own signals to produce insulin, which makes you HUNGRY and causes the vicious circle of hunger-eat-weight gain-hunger-eat-weight gain.

    Ok, sorry, this is a novel. Hope it helps even in some small way. Hang in there.

    HUGS and believe me . . . you're allowed a bad mood! It's frustrating.
    1837 days ago
    I so get what you said. I was laughing about your analogy with writing... this is really how it seems sometimes. Years ago I made a bet with myself- I wanted to learn Spanish and lose weight (this goal is always there) and I wanted to see what took longer, losing 10 lousy lbs or speaking Spanish, which I was going to learn by myself with the help of a book.
    And sure enough- 3 months into it, I was fluent in Spanish, and have not lost a single pound.

    It is just amazing, how we can manage to get so much done- like you obviously do, and the stupid weight thing is just always 'hanging out there" and not getting resolved.

    It IS frustrating, but it won't always be like this. I have to believe that it is possible to lose weight... AND it is possible to become healthier and feel better. It is also possible to look better without losing weight, because you are working out, you are gaining muscle. I worked out for about 1 year pretty intensely, lost 2 lbs in the entire year, but looked MUCH smaller.

    Don't give up and I personally moved the scale aside for a while, because it affects my mood and even my self worth in a negative way.

    I also am right there with you, getting mad, BUT not giving up!!


    1837 days ago
    I also love swearing.

    I typed out a blog much like this a few days ago. Even that made me feel a little better. I have this moment a few times a month... where I just want to quit because nothing's happening. We can't quit though - I like to believe that one day it will start coming off again. We are getting stronger, I'm getting some nice muscle too. Once that's there, think of how awesome we'll look and feel once the fat DOES start to disappear again!! I know you want to be mad right now, and I totally get it, I hope you're back to your chipper self soon. I'll be here, still trucking along right with you!! emoticon
    1838 days ago
  • NICB87
    1900 cals/day seems a bit high to me. I have a very physically active job and even when I was/am working out hardcore on top of that, I stayed at about 1600 cals/day or less. Maybe try lowering your calories while keeping the same exercise routine? Eating more bulky foods like fruits and veggies will help keep you satisfied--losing weight doesn't mean you have to be hungry!

    Also keep an eye on your measurements. If you are gaining muscle, and it seems like you are, your weight might not go down. It may never go down but you will LOOK thinner. Try not to focus too much on the scale numbers, even though I know it's easier said than done!
    1838 days ago
  • BUTT0N
    I also wish we could swear on blogs, I feel like it's therapeutic.

    I'm sorry you're not feeling super chipper and empowered today but that's alright, no one can be mary effin' sunshine every single day.

    I like to think of my journey as more than the number on the scale, I like to think that as long as I keep making smart healthy choices I'm doing well. Yeah the scale might not move but something inside has to be benefiting form it.

    1838 days ago
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