The Terror Of Success
Thursday, October 04, 2012
I have been overweight literally all my life. It started in early childhood and just kept going up, up, up. While it has given me a thick skin and a certain outlook on life, it has scarred me, as well. I will likely always feel like the fat girl in a room, no matter how thin I get. Simply because I have had a lifetime of self consciousness to draw from.
Now I am seeing real progress. I have lost 39 pounds so far, and based on my pattern this week that might be down to 40 by tomorrow. If not by then, definitely by the end of the week. If I go back to only two pounds per week I will make my first major milestone goal of 70 pounds by February easily.
It is actually happening, and I know it. I am actually going to get down to my final goal weight. I am actually going to be fit and slender for the first time in my life.
This terrifies me.
What will I do when I get there? What will it like to be thin? When I see the way people look at me, will it reinforce the negativity of how they used to? Will I be treated differently? Perhaps hit on more (which makes me very uncomfortable and always has)?
But most of all, I wonder about what I will be forced to address. Losing weight, obsessing over numbers, ect...it gives me something to focus on. Something real and tangible. But what kind of things might I be forced to think about when that is no longer a leading factor in my life?
I might have to think about my paranoid schizophrenic father and his suicide. I might have to think of my heroine addict turned evangelical Christian mother and the ruin of her life. I may be forced to work through my childhood sexual abuse, my abandonment issues, my fear of trusting those closest to me. The real issues behind my still existent - if largely maintained - eating disorder.
There is a lot in my life that I have avoided behind a face of strength. Like a mask of indifference to hide how it has all affected me, of which I am very clear about. So what happens when one of my greatest defense mechanisms is taken away?
Weight loss is the easiest part of all of this. The terror of success is my battle now.