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The Terror Of Success

Thursday, October 04, 2012

I have been overweight literally all my life. It started in early childhood and just kept going up, up, up. While it has given me a thick skin and a certain outlook on life, it has scarred me, as well. I will likely always feel like the fat girl in a room, no matter how thin I get. Simply because I have had a lifetime of self consciousness to draw from.

Now I am seeing real progress. I have lost 39 pounds so far, and based on my pattern this week that might be down to 40 by tomorrow. If not by then, definitely by the end of the week. If I go back to only two pounds per week I will make my first major milestone goal of 70 pounds by February easily.

It is actually happening, and I know it. I am actually going to get down to my final goal weight. I am actually going to be fit and slender for the first time in my life.

This terrifies me.

What will I do when I get there? What will it like to be thin? When I see the way people look at me, will it reinforce the negativity of how they used to? Will I be treated differently? Perhaps hit on more (which makes me very uncomfortable and always has)?

But most of all, I wonder about what I will be forced to address. Losing weight, obsessing over numbers, ect...it gives me something to focus on. Something real and tangible. But what kind of things might I be forced to think about when that is no longer a leading factor in my life?

I might have to think about my paranoid schizophrenic father and his suicide. I might have to think of my heroine addict turned evangelical Christian mother and the ruin of her life. I may be forced to work through my childhood sexual abuse, my abandonment issues, my fear of trusting those closest to me. The real issues behind my still existent - if largely maintained - eating disorder.

There is a lot in my life that I have avoided behind a face of strength. Like a mask of indifference to hide how it has all affected me, of which I am very clear about. So what happens when one of my greatest defense mechanisms is taken away?

Weight loss is the easiest part of all of this. The terror of success is my battle now.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm a self saboteur and have been for a large part of my life. Yes there is terror in success but there is also bliss. I suggest seeing a counselor/therapist to talk about some of the issues you shared. None of those issues are easy or have a quick answer but are all important. Do not let past hurts and damages to ruin this wonderful thing you are doing for yourself. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be healthy and you deserve to like you! You are certainly worth it and please don't let other people hold power over you, even if it's only through memories and bad experiences. You deserve to be completely free.
    1968 days ago
    I cannot relate to everything in your background. I can relate to some.

    My father said I won't be able to find a good relationship because of my weight. In my opinion, I think that is one of the reasons why I always pick the loser men that put me down and abused me in every way.

    My mother is focused christian who says if I came to Jesus I would not be so fat.

    I have a sister who up until about 5 years ago was super skinny. She always rubbed it in my face.

    For many years, many I do not care to remember, I have hidden behind my big clothes, my fat ass and a big smile. It is scary. It is emotional roller coast no one likes to talk about.

    When my weight started to come off, I started to see me for me instead of the image I wanted the world to see. I decided to seek professional help. I started to write in a journal.

    Now, when I see my goal getting closer and closer I have less fear of who I am. I can look at myself in the mirror and know, "I am beautiful. I am strong. I am smart. I ROCK!"

    I hope this helps. This is a great post! emoticon
    1969 days ago
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