Bingey and realizing the cause.
Thursday, October 04, 2012
Since my mom has recovered and has been brought to her house, I have to deal with her on a daily basis (sometimes on the phone or in person). While she was in the hospital and nursing home people tended to her every need, so she's used to immediate attention. I love my mom dearly and having been her caregiver for 20 years. I've noticed that her constant needs/criticisms drive me to eat uncontrollably. It probably has all these years but I'm really noticing it now. She really never seems grateful for everything I do for her because it's not enough or to the exact detail. So, instead saying thanks for cleaning, for example she'd find something to criticize or insist on directing my every movement while completing the job. It's really overwhelming and difficult to deal with.
So, since Sunday I've had difficulty making good food choices. Eating cookies, m&m's (like tranquilizers) and fast food. I've been skipping meals to make up for the calories and because I'm not hungry. I know my body is suffering because of it because I've been tired, very sluggish and have had stomach issues.
When I'm in the moment of buying the treats it's like I'm on autopilot. I know and remind myself that this isn't going to help me achieve my goal by my 40th birthday. Then a voice in my head says it's ok, just a minor setback, you can start over tomorrow. But, the tomorrows are piling up!
I hope by writing about this it will help me to be more aware and maybe help me to change my actions. Once she's completely set up with a home aide, groceries and whatever else she may need, I hope I can step back from this situation and get back on track with taking care of myself.
Sometimes, I get brought down so deep I forget the things I should be celebrating. I've lost 20 lbs since March, I need to wear a belt with 2 different pairs of my jeans! I also, can fit into 2 pairs of jeans I couldn't button in August. I should be so motivated by this, but I get so blindsided but the commenting, nagging and not feeling appreciated.
She lost 30 lbs in the hospital in 4 months because she lost the ability to swallow from being so sick. She needed a feeding tube to get nourishment or her body would've shut down. She's recovered from that and now thinks she's 'skinny'. She's still got a belly and flabby skin. The day I went to take her home from the nursing home the first thing she said to me when I walked into the room was "Oh, I thought you lost weight, your pants look too tight." How's that for a thank you?! I said "Really, that's the first thing you have to say to me?" I wanted to just walk out and leave her there. Thank God we were alone and I didn't have to be mortified in front of a nurse.
I wish I could just turn off my reactions to her comments, it's so draining.