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    DEZZIEJAMES   23,338
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Nervous Breakdown

Thursday, October 04, 2012

Yesterday started out as such a good day. It really did. Barely there back pain. Kids fighting with each other, but I handled it well. I could go on.. but bottom line is I was in a fantastic mood, I felt like I could do this, and do it all well. I was ready to take on the world.

Sometime in the middle of the day yesterday... everything started to annoy me. The feel of paper. The noise of the phone ringing. How loud my sales manager is. Everything. It is probably because my 5 yr old was throwing chairs again, and I got a call about her again. I told them to talk to the school psych and get something in place to help her. I didn't give them an option to send her home (it's what she wants after all). I just stuck to my guns (then blogged it out on my custodial auntie blog). It was a really bad day, and I had to field a lot of phone calls about my unruly, UN-managable 5 year old... all while I was alone at work trying to do the job of two people.

I got home, called my friend and cancelled our sewing night, curled up in bed and cried. M tried to talk to me and figure out what was wrong, but I couldn't stand him touching me, and the tone of his voice was just too apathetic. I asked him to leave me alone. He told me he thinks I am having a nervous breakdown.

That hurt.

I do have a lot going on. I am a little stressed. But more than anything else in the world... I am just at a loss to help my child. I can't quit my job and hang out at the school all day being the voice of reason for her. I have to work. I am the breadwinner in my house hold. M works - but he doesn't make quite as much as I do.... yet. I am trying to trust in the school that they have policies and procedures in place for less than perfect kids.... but it seems the policies and procedures are to send them home. It is so difficult. I just had a really bad afternoon yesterday.

I don't look for today being much better because of how awful V was this morning. She screamed and yelled, and did everything she could do not to have to listen to anything M or I said. I finally put her in her bedroom and left her there, screaming, naked, and told her not to come out until she was dressed. She stood in there and screamed for every bit of 10 minutes. M, DQ, and I ignored her. We went about our mornings. We got ready for work/school. She finally tired of it and got dressed. She came out and I thought she would be a better kid because she started listening to me a bit. Then while she was with me at work before I left to take her to school, she had another meltdown. When I finally dropped her off at school, she was still mad at me and wouldn't even tell me goodbye. I acted like it was no big deal, but she really hurt me with that. I walked out of the school trying to hold my head high, then called my mom crying.

Raising a child with these issues is so hard. It is just so very hard. It is so emotionally taxing when they constantly act out, and you can't do the simple things a mother would do for a child, like laugh with them, play with them, and hold them. These times are so few and far between because we are always re-directing her negative behavior. I really hope the ball starts rolling soon with this new place... we need help.

I didn't exercise yesterday. I cried in the dark for awhile. Then I talked to V about her behavior at school and told her she has to start counting to 10 when she is angry. Then I went to bed.

Today is a new day. I am trying to leave yesterday in yesterday. V just makes it so hard sometimes. So very hard. Every time the phone rings here at work, I jump. I cringe. I hope it isn't the school. It's awful.

Today's weight: 191.0

Today's Morning Back Pain: 2

Monday: 5K training emoticon
Tuesday: Pilates emoticon
Wednesday : 5K training emoticon
Thursday: Yoga
Friday : Yoga
Saturday : Color Run... with real runners!
Sunday: Pilates

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SARASMILING 10/5/2012 6:59AM

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I hate this for you. I hate that you this is so hard when you are doing such a great thing with these girls. You love them so and it's not her fault but it doesn't make it any easier. You are so good and kind and loving. So glad you're my friend. emoticon

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RYDERB 10/4/2012 6:59PM

    I wish I had something to say that would help or there was something I could do. emoticon emoticon

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DOGSTARDADDY 10/4/2012 6:21PM

    I wish I had some clever thing to say that would help. I'm assuming you have talked to V's teacher outside of when you're in crisis, but if not, that might be a good conversation to have. Perhaps the teacher has helped others in a similar situation?

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FANGFACEKITTY 10/4/2012 3:53PM

    As always Russell is right on the money. I will echo what the other posters said, the school needs to be forced to provide V with the assistance she needs. The school won't want to do it because they prefer to cater to the 80% middle of the road students and just don't/won't make the time for any child out of that "norm"...but they really don't have a choice. Based on what you've described I'd be very surprised if V hasn't already been diagnosed with a "learning" disability, which also includes things like behavioural issues which interfere with learning, or will be diagnosed with one shortly. Once you have that diagnosis they school really has no legal right to refuse to work with you on an educational plan that is more robust than "call Mom & send the kid home".

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RUSSELL_40 10/4/2012 2:51PM

    Have you discussed all this with M? He sounds worried also, and maybe he wants to discuss it. Sometimes discussing it makes it easier. See if there is any way he can be more help.

Sounds like you are looking at a school that will be able to handle V better, and I hope that comes through for you. I would also talk to your boss about finding someone to do the extra work you do. Sounds like they are working you to death, so they make more money. I am sure exhaustion comes into play when you feel frazzled, and makes it harder to be healthy. Someone to help might make a lot of things in your life easier. Don't let them use you that way. We work to live, not the other way around.

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TALULAX- 10/4/2012 1:34PM

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I dont think you were having a nervous breakdown...you are overwhelmed. Right now your resources to help her are limited and like a good mom you are scrambling to find more. I hope they come soon for you and your family!

As hard as it is...like you said...keep yesterday in the yesterday. ;)

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JCARDINAL 10/4/2012 1:21PM

    You are a strong person and should be commended for all you are doing. I hope the new place comes through and gives V the help she deserves. Hang in there! emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/4/2012 1:22:06 PM

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AGK3112 10/4/2012 1:11PM

    I understand what you are going thru. I don't have kid yet but I am seperated from my husband in 2 month after my marriage and we are waiting everything to get clear so he can come and stay with me..And its allreday 4 month now.
It is so hard when our love ones don't listen to us and specially kids. she is just 5 yrs old but in my family not even 25 yr old listen. I know she is grown up but when it comes to manage the house no one come forward. I know how hard it is to do everything by yourself and others just don't care. I am sure your daughter will learn a lesson some day. And don't worry if it is her first time going to school it will go for few days and once she start liking her school she will be fine.
I hope you feel better today and also rest of the week and you also get some solution about your back. Just give yourself some quite time which includes Nothing and Noone. And then you will do fine. emoticon

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ATTACKFATCAT 10/4/2012 12:13PM

    emoticon It's hard to start each new day fresh when you have that kind of weight on you. You are not having a nervous breakdown. I had more nights like that than I could count and while I wondered that about myself, it was never really the case. Unfortunately some schools don't want to work with children with issues like that unless their hands are forced. Has she been qualified at all as special needs or having a learning disability? I know that is a stigma most people want to avoid, but these days so many children have emotional or physical needs that there are resources available. It also means being in a regular classroom instead of a "special ed" classroom for the majority of children. The big push now is to include these kids in a typical classroom with outside help. But many schools won't offer this type of assistance unless you go through the steps to get 504 status for V. I know it might not be possible right now to do this, but after she goes through this other program you might want to consider that. It involves some paperwork, usually a diagnosis from a doctor, teacher recommendation, etc., but it varies by district and state.

I know it's hard, but try not to let V's anger towards you or her outbursts affect you emotionally. She's trying to get a reaction out of you and out of her teachers and it sounds like she'll take negative attention over no attention at all. She will say or do anything to hurt you or get you riled up. She's not being malicious or bad...she just doesn't understand how to get attention in a positive way. My ex-stepson used to say he hated me and my ex, how he loved his mom more, but that always seemed to happen when we tried to discipline him or to told him no. It's hard to get other people to do that, but what you and M did this morning with her and getting dressed is a good idea. As you continue to do that and be consistent with ignoring her outbursts, she'll realize that does not work. It's just hard getting others to do that too :(

It may be hard for M to take her issues so personally. It was the same way with my ex. Make sure that you two are communicating and sharing school contact if possible so he can see what you are seeing. Don't take all this burden on yourself. You may need to consider a counselor yourself to help you get through it...it made a huge impact in my life. Write it all down if you need to, just like you are doing here.

You can get through this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it does get better though it seems impossible right now. You just have to keep fighting and find ways to build the positives in your life. If you need someone to talk to, please message me. emoticon

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KYLIESCHELLE 10/4/2012 10:48AM

    I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. It seems to me that you're doing everything you can. I wish you all the best. Take care and hugs.

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ADARKARA 10/4/2012 9:50AM

    I know it doesn't help just saying it, but I really wish there was something I could do to help you. =( emoticon

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CHEETARA79 10/4/2012 9:38AM

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You've got so much going on right now. Wish I could help but I don't know how! I'm here if you need me.

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YOGAWITCH 10/4/2012 9:34AM

    Hugs.

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