Yesterday started out as such a good day. It really did. Barely there back pain. Kids fighting with each other, but I handled it well. I could go on.. but bottom line is I was in a fantastic mood, I felt like I could do this, and do it all well. I was ready to take on the world.
Sometime in the middle of the day yesterday... everything started to annoy me. The feel of paper. The noise of the phone ringing. How loud my sales manager is. Everything. It is probably because my 5 yr old was throwing chairs again, and I got a call about her again. I told them to talk to the school psych and get something in place to help her. I didn't give them an option to send her home (it's what she wants after all). I just stuck to my guns (then blogged it out on my custodial auntie blog). It was a really bad day, and I had to field a lot of phone calls about my unruly, UN-managable 5 year old... all while I was alone at work trying to do the job of two people.
I got home, called my friend and cancelled our sewing night, curled up in bed and cried. M tried to talk to me and figure out what was wrong, but I couldn't stand him touching me, and the tone of his voice was just too apathetic. I asked him to leave me alone. He told me he thinks I am having a nervous breakdown.
I do have a lot going on. I am a little stressed. But more than anything else in the world... I am just at a loss to help my child. I can't quit my job and hang out at the school all day being the voice of reason for her. I have to work. I am the breadwinner in my house hold. M works - but he doesn't make quite as much as I do.... yet. I am trying to trust in the school that they have policies and procedures in place for less than perfect kids.... but it seems the policies and procedures are to send them home. It is so difficult. I just had a really bad afternoon yesterday.
I don't look for today being much better because of how awful V was this morning. She screamed and yelled, and did everything she could do not to have to listen to anything M or I said. I finally put her in her bedroom and left her there, screaming, naked, and told her not to come out until she was dressed. She stood in there and screamed for every bit of 10 minutes. M, DQ, and I ignored her. We went about our mornings. We got ready for work/school. She finally tired of it and got dressed. She came out and I thought she would be a better kid because she started listening to me a bit. Then while she was with me at work before I left to take her to school, she had another meltdown. When I finally dropped her off at school, she was still mad at me and wouldn't even tell me goodbye. I acted like it was no big deal, but she really hurt me with that. I walked out of the school trying to hold my head high, then called my mom crying.
Raising a child with these issues is so hard. It is just so very hard. It is so emotionally taxing when they constantly act out, and you can't do the simple things a mother would do for a child, like laugh with them, play with them, and hold them. These times are so few and far between because we are always re-directing her negative behavior. I really hope the ball starts rolling soon with this new place... we need help.
I didn't exercise yesterday. I cried in the dark for awhile. Then I talked to V about her behavior at school and told her she has to start counting to 10 when she is angry. Then I went to bed.
Today is a new day. I am trying to leave yesterday in yesterday. V just makes it so hard sometimes. So very hard. Every time the phone rings here at work, I jump. I cringe. I hope it isn't the school. It's awful.
Today's weight: 191.0
Today's Morning Back Pain: 2
Monday: 5K training
Wednesday : 5K training
Friday : Yoga
Saturday : Color Run... with real runners!