Thursday, October 04, 2012
I think I've figured something out about myself. I've thought about this before, but I can't deny it anymore. I think that somewhere deep down inside I am afraid to lose weight.
Does this sound stupid? Does it sound like an excuse? Maybe, but I really think it's true.
Let's look at the facts:
I've gotten down to about about 200 to 210 quite a few times and I just can't get over the hump.
I realize that this can be part of the process, but the feelings I get when I hit that point aren't normal, or shouldn't be anyway.
I always know when it happens. I lose weight and start feeling FABULOUS! My clothes are loose, I can move, and I feel better than I have in a long time. Then that moment comes. The moment when my belly feels light. Weird, I know, and a bit hard to explain.
I can feel the loose skin on my stomach and it just feels lighter. You would think that would be incentive to keep going, but for some reason, it scares me. I try to ignore it and keep going. It's irrational I tell myself, but it still does something to my head. Then I start to self sabotage and the worst part - I *know* I'm doing it and do nothing to stop it. I know the moment that I choose to run from the fear.
What could I be afraid of?
Loose skin? No, that doesn't bother me at all.
I've done some soul searching and I can't help but wonder if my problem is that I don't want to be like I was so many years ago when I was thin.
There was a time in my life when I was a size 8 (it was a brief decade in my life.) I was pretty on the outside, but hated myself on the inside. I didn't like the person I was... at all, but didn't know how to fix myself.
True I am a completely different person now. I've gone through some major transformations in my heart, but still struggle with low self esteem and I'm not exactly my biggest fan.
Another problem could possibly be the thought that - what if I lose the weight and I'm still not good enough? Still along the same lines, but sort of a different angle.
I don't know exactly how to overcome these problems, but it's clear they exist. I may try to talk to my psych teacher from last semester. She did a class on weight issues and body image. Surely, I can't be the only one. Maybe she'll have an answer. If I don't learn to overcome this, I am destined to repeat this problem for the rest of my life.
If anybody struggles with this, or has any advice, I would love to hear it.
Onward we go...