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Emotionally drained

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

It's been a while since I posted here because I don't know where to begin. I recently found out two days ago that my husband was having an affair with a work colleague. He has been seeing this woman since the 12th January, two days after my birthday and also two days after I had a miscarriage. He has accused me of being a failure as a woman as I am unable to have children. This has been our second miscarriage. At that time I was distraught went into depression and wanted his comfort but he was distant. I assumed at the time he was also distraught and had difficulty coming to terms with it but in fact he embarked on having an affair instead.

I found emails on his computer and photos.

There is no going back now and I have contacted a lawyer for divorce today. When confronted he blamed me for his cheated giving the excuse that I was a failure as a woman.

I just want to move forward from this sorry episode, this is not the first time and I have put with physical, mental and emotional abuse from this man.

Sorry I needed to vent as he has hurt me so much and in a way this had helped me allot. Thanks for listening
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    He is a failure as a man! good to find out of his imaturity now! Don't you dare blame yourself for his shortcomings!
    linda emoticon
    1961 days ago
    Be strong and "Keep moving forward! "
    Kathie emoticon
    1977 days ago
    YOU are NOT a failure. He is a JERK.

    1981 days ago
    emoticon it's terrible that you have to go through this but it sounds like he was a sorry excuse for a husband for all of the abuse. It hurts now but over time you will find you are better and stronger woman without him. The ability to have children does not make you a woman! I am unable to have children but I am and always be a woman. We are all here for you when and if you need us. Stay strong, you are a beautiful, strong woman, never forget that!!
    1983 days ago
    Hi lovely lady

    You are a wonderful woman, who deserves so much better than being abused and hurt. Don't weaken, as once trust has gone I doubt if it can be regained. I also think (but feel free to disagree) that we get the behaviour we put up with - i.e. if you put up with abuse that encourages abuse.

    I'm in my 5th year of my second marriage, and as I'm now in my 50s, believe me it is possible to find love again. I made my 1st husband leave after his bad behaviour turned to violence. I believe I was labelled "bad" by some "friends" because exH had been involved in a horrific car smash that caused brain-damage leading to uncontrolled anger, but I wasn't putting my sons at risk.

    I'm sorry that you suffered your miscarriages, and I hope you soon recover both physically and emotionally. I also hope you've got a good circle of friends who can be there for you when you need support. You'll get lots here, but a real hug is so good for the soul.

    Virtual {{hugs}} for you
    Satchmo x
    1983 days ago
    Uh, that's a very terrible excuse, he should comfort you instead of blaming you as failure as a woman, especially after you had miscarriage and need emotion support! I think that's very low for a guy to start cheating right after both of you lose a baby - it's not only yours, it's his, too!
    If divorce is the best way, I hope you will get it through quickly and no mess so that you can start anew, may God with you all the way :D
    1987 days ago
    My husband cheated on me too and a lot of other issues we had over the length of our 25 year marriage. The cheating was actually the straw that broke the camel's back, not the mental abuse I put up with or the neglect. (He was never home) You are a strong woman, You can do it! And you have friends to help. Hugs and hang in there. It will be better in the long run, I'm so much happier already and I have been on my own for 5 months. kim
    1988 days ago
    emoticon So many people here have said what I would say too - I've been there too - it's tough while you go through the transition to this new Chapter of your life - however, you will be a stronger person - stay focused on your goals, even if it means keeping a list that you refer to as you start each day and end each day.

    Don't be afraid of sourcing 'support for your self, ask your Dr for some recommendations.

    Just remind your self that - this time next month, or next year things will be different; use the time now to focus on 'you' as you venture into your new life!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1989 days ago
    I'm so sorry and i hope that you keep wirting how you feel you have to let the anger and hurt out some how. Don't think anything he said is true either because it is not so just keep moving froward.
    1989 days ago
  • HEYRED221
    Dee, definitely do not believe a word he says about you. That is only a reflection of how he feels about himself. I am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve happiness and a man that will treat you with respect.

    Carolyn emoticon
    1989 days ago
    You are not at fault for the miscarriages and you are NOT a failure as a woman. It drives me nuts that our society perpetuates that notion. Your inner strength and resolve to get away from an abuser that you are showing us here shows that indeed, you are an Amazon woman...far stronger than a lot of women out there.

    Any man who is using that as an excuse for an affair is in pure denial. I know you are supposed to do everything you can to save a marriage but that's only if both sides are willing to make a change and follow through. Based on his lack of support during your miscarriage and his comments, that is so not the case. Congrats to you for not putting up with it and making a change no matter how difficult it may be emotionally. He will continue to be that way until he wants to change and no one will be able to "fix" him except himself. The best thing you can do for yourself and your happiness is to work through this, heal from the wounds, and find your self-worth and happiness. You deserve far better than that.

    I had a similar situation with my now ex-husband, but instead of a miscarriage I have PCOS and had trouble conceiving. Along with that, I struggle with depression for years and had to get therapy. He verbally abused me...he never dared hit me though he came close a few times. Once I started gaining some self-esteem and independence, he realized his "free ride" and control over me would soon be over, so he had an affair with a girl almost 10 years younger than him. He then proceeded to blame me for everything, saying that I was selfish, never paid attention to his needs, etc. That wasn't it. He just didn't want the responsibility of being a husband and a father to his son. He didn't try to talk to me or try to work on our marriage. He just wanted to make an excuse for his bad behavior and I wasn't having it. I refused to be second-best. So I got a divorce as well and a year and a half later, I am happier than I ever though possible.

    Make sure you gather as much documentation as possible, protect your assets, protect yourself, and don't let him bully you with scare tactics. He may try every type of histronics possible to get a reaction out of you, so don't give him the satisfaction. and try to find a support group or counseling if possible to help you work through this and to start healing. Good luck. emoticon

    1989 days ago
    You are not a failure. You are showing immense strength in working to get away from this horrible, abusive man.

    I'm in the midst of my own divorce from an emotionally abusive man, so I know how much work it takes just to slog through it. But it's SO worth it -- you'll be amazed, after a while, at how much BETTER you feel when you're not subject to someone putting you down all the time.

    You don't deserve this, and it's not your fault.
    1990 days ago
    This is a rough time, but you are not a failure. He is a failure. It's a good thing you're getting rid of him. He sounds like a major butthole. emoticon
    1990 days ago
    First of all let me say YOUR NOT A FAILURE AS A WOMAN! No man has the right to say that to a woman especially their own wife! Maybe this happened for a reason because god knew you weren't with the right man.
    Miscarriages are very common, people don't realize how common they actually are but I use to work as a medical assistant at an ob gyn office and we saw it all the time and there were some that lost the pregnancy a few times and then were successful.
    I'm proud that you are walking away from this heartless man and going on a journey to a better you! He was obviously holding you back no one is going to feel confident when she has no support behind her and a man that says such nasty things as he did to you!
    Take him for all he's worth, that was mental abuse he did to you saying that after having a miscarriage.
    Your destined for better things in this life and now you can get your life back and succeed. I wish you the best of luck on your journey and all the difficult days that are heading your way!
    Your a strong woman don't ever let anyone put u down like that again! emoticon
    1990 days ago
    Congratulations on doing the right thing for you. Stay strong and don't let anyone pressure you into changing your mind. Too many women stay in crappy relationships, allowing their partner's issues drag them down. Life's too short for that. Be proud of yourself for taking decisive action.

    Stand tall, be proud, and know that you have friends and family who support your decision.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1990 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/3/2012 10:05:45 PM

    I am glad that you have finally made a decision about this man. I have had a feeling for a long time that he wasn't worthy of you. I know that you will come out of this stronger.

    Vent on here anytime you need to.

    1990 days ago
    Oh honey! You are SOOOOO much better than that and deserve so much better! Hugs to you. I had a miscarriage and then went on to have 3 beautiful children. Maybe this was the universe's way of telling you this guy is NOT fit to be your husband or the father of a child. I think you're doing the right thing. You need to put yourself first and be selfish for a while. Hugs to you!
    1990 days ago
  • KELLY19770
    I am so sorry for your pain. What a lot to deal with.
    You are NOT a failure as a woman. Of course he blamed you for his cheating, otherwise he would have to really take a close look at his own sorry tail and realize exactly who the failure is: himself. Nobody deserves abuse, physical or otherwise. I am glad you are leaving him in the dust, because he does not deserve you.
    Please vent away, we are here for you. emoticon
    1990 days ago
    WOW - I am so proud of you - You do not deserve any of that, what a small selfish excuse of a man to even think of turning on you and blaming it on a miscarriage.

    You have an amazing life ahead of you and you are going t o ROCK IT!!! One step - one class, one meal, one day at a time. I am actually quite excited for you. I know that sounds crazy and may bother you but hopefully it gives you some spark.

    Miscarriages are so difficult and I am so sorry that you have lost two babies in that way. But I know that your child is waiting to be part of your life and will be here when the time is right and safe and just perfect.

    Btw - I think I saw that you have a bucket list? I think you should make a vision collage and put all those items on it - could be fun - could be therapeutic and definitely a fun project - and if nothing else - a nice distraction.

    Blessings to you and your journey - remember ....

    YOU are worth it
    you ARE worth it
    you are WORTH it
    you are worth IT.

    keep strong - keep focused
    1990 days ago
  • 46SHADOW
    emoticon Take care of yourself during this stressful time.
    1990 days ago
    emoticon I know what is trusting a husband and be betrayed. I said I'm not going to marry again; but THE LORD put a wonderful man in my way and I married 23 years ago. He raised my son and my daughter since she was 2 years old and now she is 25th. I'll pray to THE LORD to guide you the best way for you. The world continue and we have to continue, too. It's hard having a miscarriage and your husband blame you for that. He was looking for an excuse and he took your miscarriage. He is not a real man. I had a miscarriage with my first husband (twins) and another with my hubby (twins) of 23 years of marriage. Sometimes is better to be along instead of been with a person that abuse you physical, mental and emotionally. The LORD won't leave along and will give you the strength to go on. GOD BLESS YOU emoticon
    1990 days ago
    Vent away! I'm so sorry you are experiencing this right now, but I am also so happy you obviously recognise it's HIS failings and HIS problems, and not yours'. That's such a key in recognising spousal abuse. Be strong, my dear. I've been there. Guys like that always hate when we know what they're all about. They lose their sense of power over us when we show that we're strong. I know this situation hurts like hell right now, but when you are done you will feel so much better....and down the road there will be a fantastic man who values you completely and will not be afraid to cherish you.
    1990 days ago
    You are not a failure. You are strong woman and you'll get through this difficult time. You are in my prayers.
    1990 days ago
    OMG hope that whatever you want works out does and so sorry to hear and keep your head up
    1990 days ago
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