Wednesday, October 03, 2012
This is SO hard to write...it's been a few years and so much has happened. My father in law has passed away. He was more than a father to me and it took me a year to really get over his death. I was depressed, had anxiety attacks and really, really mourned his death. It was a hard year for the whole family and one that was filled with "firsts": first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first birthday, first anniversary...each event took us all by surprise and we cried a LOT.
As you can imagine, I gained back all the weight. For the past few months, it was all about getting that "peace" back in my heart. That included the comfort of food and the comfort of my bed. It's not to say that these past few years have not been filled with wonderful experiences. I wasn't completely hiding my head in the sand...but I wasn't the same person I was when I started this journey.
On Monday, I went to the Minute Clinic because I had a bladder infection. This is the second one I have had in the past 6 months. The first time, they took my blood pressure and told me it was very high and to go immediately to the Urgent Care or emergency center. I didn't listen.
On Monday, I had another high reading 170/110 and they told me the same thing. They told me I couldn't come back until I got it under control. So we rush to Urgent Care and they tell me that my blood pressure is HIGH but not dangerously high. They tell me they can't help me and wondered why Minute Clinic sent me. The Dr. could see how frustrated and scared I was...so he said "Ok...I am going to do my best to help you. Let's do an "Doctor Oz" type of exercise...I want you to lie down and take deep breaths. We are going to come in after about 15 minutes to re-take your blood pressure to see if you are just nervous or if it seems you may indeed have something to consider" . So I did what he said and when they took a second reading, it was lower...but not low enough. He prescribed a ACE inhibitor and told me I really needed to get a proper Internist or Family Doctor. We cannot afford health insurance, so he made some calls around to see if local clinics and Samaritan centers could treat me. Of course they could not and that is when he said "This is what is wrong with healthcare today. The insured and the people who qualify for Medicaid are pretty much taken care of. It's the ones in the middle that suffer so much". He told me I needed to get a proper Dr. in the next 7 days and he did not want me on this medicine for long, especially without a long term doctor monitoring my progress. He was such a caring man and it felt so good to actually connect with someone who had my best interest at heart. Not someone trying to get me in and out of their office. I feel like it is so rare these days.
I did a lot of crying yesterday. Crying because I was frustrated with my situation and just sad that I let myself go like that. Don't I deserve more than this.? Why don't I treat myself the way I treat others. Always LAST and NEVER first. I am just so sad right now.
So here I am again and my high blood pressure scared me into taking action. I can't even tell my parents. I am just so ashamed and I don't think I can take on their worry about me.
I guess I need some support again. I am scared.