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Trying to remember ...

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

Hello world, it's me again. Life is pretty much the same as it was the last time I was here, except that I'm on more meds now. At least they now help keep my mood elevated and a bit more of the regular pain suppressed.

This part of the year is what I jokingly call "Eileen-mas" - it is a season for me to focus on what is good about being .. me. To celebrate all that is Eileen, her experiences, as well as who she is. As October begins, I am struggling to find the good ... to remember all the things I love about myself. FMS + surging hormones = massive depression during PMS. I feel lost in a haze of guilt. If I struggle and claw at it to be free, it only makes it swirl around and reform, just as dense and painful as before.

I spent all day yesterday, lost in tears. Tears of pain, grief, guilt, anger and resentment. I tried to purge these feelings by allowing the tears to reach near epic proportions and for a time there was peace, via exhaustion. But now I feel weak, strung out, worn out, frail ... lost.

I have worked gently toward building up tolerance of physical exertion for weeks now, and have attained .. NOTHING. At least 6 weeks of regimented resistance workouts and I am no better. I still have too much back pain, I still have to sit all the time, and I haven't lost any weight - in fact I've gained quite a bit back ... I'm going backwards. I have tried slowly, gently, increasing the # of reps, and the types of movements over the weeks, and nothing has changed. I still hurt all the time and I'm not any stronger, or leaner.

And yes, I have tried cutting back. We had to, money is very tight now so the grocery bill is being trimmed as much as possible. We're trying to avoid too many processed foods and high calorie/high fat foods, but .. it is so hard on a tight budget. The lower the price, the worse it seems to be for me.

Part of our struggle for money is fueled by my illness. The meds, the doctor appointments, the food, the supplements... more more more... and the guilt builds. I need new compression socks but we can't afford them really so I'm trying to avoid saying anything to Rob about them. It is so hard to not actively HATE and downright LOATHE my body right now. To want desperately to be rid of it ... once and for all. The _only_ thing I like about being stuck in this vessel right now .. is that it has allowed me to be near Rob, and love him. He is such a wonderful person, he keeps me going when I've got nothing left to go on. I want so badly to be a better person, to be able to be better for me and for him, to not be a burden, to not be yet another source of stress for him, another source of pain.

So I send this plea out into the void ... please help me remember ... where I put my hope? And my self worth? I seem to have lost them both. If you can't find them, could you please try to at least do a hard reset on my central nervous system? I want to get back to celebrating me, but the system keeps crashing. Thanks!! emoticon
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