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family sucks.

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

My boyfriend of almost 3 years and I are discussing getting married. We have both been married before, and this is going to be the 2nd marriage for both of us.

We have set a date of February 2nd, 2013 and are talking about throwing a surprise wedding. We have a "game night" every 3-4 months and invite our friends and some of our family. We're thinking we're going to throw a game night, invite everyone, and then surprise them with a wedding and game night as the reception! Obviously, we are informing our immediate family of the wedding and they are invited (no surprise there).

We want to do this for a few reasons:
1) we don't want people to feel obligated to come to our wedding;
2) we don't want people to feel obligated to buy us a gift;
3) we don't have a lot of money and want to keep this as low budget as possible

So, immediate family and friends only are invited. It's being held at my boyfriend's home - which can accommodate may be 25-30 people, MAX. Game night has always been BYOB, so we don't have to provide beverages. We do usually provide food (nachos, game night type foods - which we will be doing), and I wanted my mom to make wedding cupcakes.

We're hiring an officiant, and we're writing our own vows.

We haven't told his family. We did announce it to my parents because he asked for their blessing. My mother's reaction was less than enthused.

Then, I told my mom our wedding plans - the surprise aspect, game night, etc. She is extremely upset.

She is so hurt that I'm not inviting my aunt (her sister, who she loves dearly and is close to), nor her two brothers. I tried to tell her it is an intimate affair and that if we started inviting my side of the family, then we have to invite Josh's side of the family...and my dad's side...and a 25-30 person party is now 100+....and instead of BYOB, we have to provide alcohol...and hire a caterer...and rent a venue b/c his house can't accommodate everyone...and then send invitations...and a private, intimate event is turned into a giant party that is not fun or a reflection of Josh and me, but a cliche wedding party.

I have had the big wedding with people invited who I have only met once...AT my wedding. I had the ceremonial cake cutting, first dance, etc. It didn't go the way I expected it to (my father did not toast me - he left the toasting to my mother...the mics didn't work and no one could hear her...there was not really any dancing b/c most everyone there was old (And we had only met them ONCE - that day!!!) and left early....). we want to have a celebration surrounded by people we love and enjoy, and who love and enjoy us!

My aunt, who my mom adores, does not like Josh. She actually is quite rude toward him (for the most part). I don't particularly want her at my wedding as she is not truly there to celebrate my union with Josh - she would be there because she is obligated to go (if she's invited) and because I'm her niece. She will spend the entire time looking down at the games we play, the food we're serving, and his house (nothing will be up to her standards). It's not exactly comfortable for me.

My mom and dad already paid for a lavish wedding - which ended in divorce. I am not going to ask them to do it again. I got the wedding I wanted. Just to the wrong groom. And now I'm getting the groom I wanted, and a celebration that makes me happy.

Instead, my mom is losing sleep over the fact that she doesn't know how to tell my aunt she's not invited to the wedding and I am snubbing her. She told me she wished I would have just eloped and then she and my family could throw a party for me later. In other words, she would rather NOT attend my wedding than feel that her sister has been snubbed. Because her sister is not invited, she does not want to be invited either. And then she has the nerve to tell me she loves me "MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF". Except, for her sister, who she apparently loves more. She loves her so much more she would rather not attend my wedding than not have her sister as her date (plus her sister's husband, my two cousins, their husbands, and their child).

She is accusing me of trivializing marriage because I want to play games at my reception, instead of do the chicken dance and smash cake into my groom's face.

So, I told her not to come. If she wants to choose my aunt over me, that's her choice.

But now I'm so upset because my mom doesn't want to be at my wedding. Instead, none of my family will be there. And that is the most depressing thing. I thought my mom loved me more than anything, but she would rather miss my wedding than not go without her sister.

My mom and I talked some more. She said she would feel better if I told my aunt she wasn't invited to the wedding. I told my mom we were putting the cart before the horse. Josh and I aren't "officially" engaged. We had spoken to my parents to get their blessing PRIOR to the actual engagement. Aside from my parents, and SP, we have not mentioned marriage or an engagement to ANYONE else. Josh's parents don't even know yet.

I told her that once we were officially engaged, we would make the announcement and Josh and I would handle any issues regarding who is or is not invited to our ceremony. She said that it was a relief not to have to worry about being the one to tell my aunt. And then we made up. So, all is well with my mom again.

Although I have no idea what caused the reaction that she had. My feeling is there are some underlying issues that she may or may not be aware of that might be pushing to the surface and this is how she chose to release some of her feelings.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    you will work it out,you are good emoticon
    1992 days ago
    Do what you want!! Stay TRUE. I know it will be hard but be happy with your decision. You and Josh love each other and will make it work. Tell your mom you love her but this is what you want and that you are happy with your decision. Who knows she may realize it and come to your wedding. Li emoticon emoticon fe goes on!!! Also, what ever is meant to be will be... Hugs, Moni
    1993 days ago
    I agree with Cheri about sticking to your guns. When I got married, it was just my husband and me in the courthouse. It was exactly what we wanted. Even though my mom didn't talk to me for MONTHS, we finally moved past it with some deep conversation and I haven't regretted my decision once. I think if I would have caved to my mom and invited who she thought we should have, I would regret having caved into someone else's wishes on my special day.

    I wish you the best!
    1993 days ago
    I did my wedding with just close friends and immediate family (parents and siblings). My mom's sister (they were extremely close too) a few months after the wedding threw a family party for us with all the aunts and uncles and cousins. I remember feeling so stressed out by keeping the wedding small and feeling bad about leaving so many out, but I stuck to my guns and thanks to the very gracious attitude of my aunt, I got to have it all. I hope you can see your way clear to having the wedding you want and I hope your mom and aunt can be happy for you and do what's right.
    emoticon Carol
    1994 days ago
    I am so sorry ,it is best to stick to your guns though and have the wedding you want and can afford.No one should be invited who does not particularly like Josh,you may find that your Mother will change her mind when it gets closer to the date ,she will want to be there.This might just be a power play to see if she can get her way by backing you against the wall.Stay reasonable with her say"I am sorry you feel you don't want to come without your sister but we have discussed what we want and can afford and it is going to be this way.You are welcome if you change your mind but not my Aunt and family,sorry"Good Luck ,you will be a beautiful bride!
    1994 days ago
    I am so sorry that you have to go through this and that the wedding, which is supposed to be a happy occasion, is becoming such a stressful one.

    If I may say so, your mother is being extremely selfish. But you have to be true to yourself. I used to read advice columns a lot (Dear Abby and Ann Landers). Frequently there were questions to the effect that someone (usually the bride) was getting married and someone was threatening not to come to the wedding if someone else was going to be there. Sometimes it was the mother who threatened not to come if the father was there. The answer to the advice was always the same: if the person doesn't want to come to the wedding, so be it. Don't change your guest list just to make that person happy. I know it is painful, though
    1994 days ago
    Ah family! You can pick your friends but not your family. Do your wedding your way and enjoy yourself.
    1994 days ago
    Aren't families fun?

    That's why Bossdear and I went to City Hall, just the two of us, and didn't tell ANYONE until after the fact. That was 44 years ago and we still don't regret doing it our way.
    1994 days ago
  • TRESSA48
    Sometimes it's hard to express how we really feel. Trying to find the words to say to your mom to help her understand probably isn't easy. I think what you need to do is show this blog to you mom. These are your honest feelings and maybe letting your mom read this will make her realize how much she is huring you. Good luck.

    1994 days ago
  • LINDA7668
    I'm sorry that your mother is behaving like this. emoticon
    1994 days ago
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