Weight September 1st: 296.4
Weight October 1st: 308.0
Awesome. *sigh* FML
So much for breaking a plateau.
And so much for Whole30 because it friggin' fell apart on me this Friday.
Look, my life is a mess right now. A full on, full out mess. Every piece is hanging on by a thread and I spend most of my time crying or wishing I could bury myself in the ground. No lie. That means this whole dieting and exercise thing is just one more thing I'm failing at right now and it hasn't been going well in my mind. I feel like a complete and utter failure. I've lost ZERO pounds in 2012. ZERO. So for all those looking for motivation from me. I have none. There's the door. I suck. Period.
I think the whole thing really fell apart when I realized that working out was killing me. I have another appointment with the podiatrist tomorrow and I'm getting casted for custom inserts. Yay! *sarcasm* I friggin' hate being a freak. And I do not have the money for any of this, btw. So yay for going deeper into debt just so I can walk again...because I hurt myself FROM LOSING WEIGHT. I'm seriously about THIS far from the end of my rope and if ONE person says, "Look how far you've come!" I think I'll jump. How far have I come? I have LESS mobility NOW than I did over 120-170 pounds ago. I have MORE pain NOW than I did then. And I've been told by several doctors that LOSING weight is actually to blame for all of this. It's the dirty secret that no one likes to tell you. Some people can lose the weight and their lives are improved 100-fold for it. The majority of people, actually. And then there are us freaks in the world who should've just stayed fat because now we're STILL fat but MORE miserable and in CONSTANT pain and a mental wreck because not only are we HUNGRY but we're HURTING too. All because we tried to do something good and lose weight. So don't tell me to look at how far I've come. I wish I was back in 2010 when I had lost a little weight and felt great. Yep. Great heart...which means I get to be in pain THAT much longer. Thanks for reminding me.
Anyhow, it's October. And we set goals at the first of the month, right? That's what we're supposed to do. Well, since I can't workout for anything because just driving my car sends shooting pains up my right leg - I have to focus on food. Again. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of watching everyone around me enjoy fall and pumpkin flavored everything and I'm eating like a friggin' bird over here and not losing a pound. But, whatever, right. I'm the freak of the family. Gotta deal with the cards we're dealt. (Oh my god...now I'm going to have to wear those shoes. *bangs head on desk repeatedly*)
So, here's the plan. For whatever it's worth because it probably won't work either...
"Eat Mostly Paleo, Minus Four"
By "mostly Paleo" I plan on following the guidelines for eating Paleo the majority of the time. And I'll try to be as strict as Whole30 most of the time I'm doing it. What does that mean?
* No Alcohol
Honestly, this one's pretty easy for me as I'm not really a drinker. A glass of wine with friends now and again, but when do I have time for outings with friends anyhow? *lol*
* No Sugars
I honestly think this is one of the biggest ones for my family. We've noticed a lot of foods that have sugar that we would not have expected. The only rule breakers I will allow for this one are - our deli meat, which is the healthiest one we can find and has natural sugars and not that much, and bacon, because I dare you to even attempt to find bacon that is free of sugar and dextrose both. We have yet to find it. So I will allow the occassional few slices of nitrate-free bacon. The rest of our sugar will come from fruit. Oh, and my coffee creamer.
* No Grains
This one is the one I thought would be the hardest for me to get used to...but it really wasn't all that hard. I'm going to see if keeping these away from me will help with the bloat issues.
* No Legumes (including soy and peanuts)
I honestly don't know if I agree with this one, so it might fly out the window. I guess I need to reread this chapter but I don't remember them having a solid argument for legumes. Soy, yes. I don't really need an estrogen supplement right now, thank you. But as for things like great northern beans or chickpeas? Hrm...not sure on those. We'll see though.
* No Dairy
Okay, this one is sticking in my house with on major exception - coffee creamer. I'm sorry...I can go without coffee creamer if I have some half & half and I can even go without coffee if I have some tea with either sweetener or half & half and sweetener...but to strip it all away? It just hasn't led to very good mornings for me and I don't start the day on a very good foot. I will be measuring my creamer, though. I found a great little shot glass type Tbsp measuring cup at WalMart which I will be picking up so that I can measure out my creamer and make sure I don't go crazy with it.
* No Potatoes
Okay, this one also doesn't have a firm, solid basis for it...but we do rely too heavily on potatoes in our house. So I'm saying potatoes only once a week for a vegetable. The rest of the time we have to branch out and eat things like squash and spinach and peppers and carrots and broccoli and cauliflower.
Other rules I like:
* No snacking
I honestly don't know how much of a 'rule' this is. I see people on Whole30 snacking throughout the day on fruit and nuts, but I remember reading "Do not snack unless you must" or something to that nature. Which to me is a pretty good rule. I'm getting back to my 3 solid meals a day. It saves me from grazing. If I'm feeling extremely hungry, I'll go ahead and eat a snack, but it does not have to be an all day every day kind of thing. Snacking for me can turn into an all-day binge without me even realizing it.
* Stop eating a couple hours before bed
Sometimes I can't follow this rule because time gets away from us and our day is so jam-packed...but for the most part I need to try to stop eating at least 2 hours before bedtime. This will help with the late night cravings.
* Don't miss a meal
If at all possible, try to stick to a schedule for meals 1, 2 and 3. This will help with the no snacking rule. And missing a meal is like inviting my binge monster over for tea. It doesn't end well.
I'm giving myself four meals. Note, not four DAYS, but four meals where I can break one or two rules. Not ALL of the rules. I need to be conscious of what I'm doing. Four times this month I will allow myself to eat a meal that doesn't exactly follow the rules.
Why I think this is important:
Life happens, and I'm a busy girl. Sometimes, just sometimes, I'm so exhausted from my life that I would like for someone else to cook for me. Or, sometimes, just sometimes, I would like to spend an evening out with my husband without feeling guilty about it. If you can't enjoy these moments in life, then what the hell IS the point of living? Four will be hard enough for me with the demons I'm already fighting. It means if I go to Subway and grab a sub with Hubs tonight at the game, that one of my four meals is already gone. That quick, that easy. It may not be perfect, but it's the only way I can see to account for what has to be a well-rounded and balanced life.
Plus, this will allow me to enjoy my time with Angela when she journeys through this way on her way to greatness (yet again! ;) ) without having to pick apart every single detail. I can have a meal and coffee with her without worrying about how it's going to ruin my entire plan.
All I really want to do is delete this page and forget this whole thing ever happened...