Monday, October 01, 2012
Technically it is 12:28AM, so this blog is actually for yesterday.
Today was a difficult day. It started off good with a miraculous six hours of sleep last night, but that was quickly followed by bouts of intense pain, an embarrassing struggle to sit through church, and then a binge. Sigh. Yes, you read that right. Even knowing everything that I am losing weight for right now, knowing that it is either this or waiting even longer for a surgery that could finally give me back my life, knowing that I only have a limited time to do this, and what do I do? I binge!! Basically it started with lunch and traveled all through the day, only ending about a half hour/forty-five minutes ago. I have not even bothered to attempt to finish calculating my calories, I was already half way to three thousand at dinner. Now, of course, as the eating has ended, the nausea has hit full force and the panic and has hit even harder.
What if I can't do this? What if I mess this up too? What if I don't lose enough weight in time for my appointment? I don't want to live like this for any longer than I need to. My life is currently being controlled by my bladder and the last thing in the world that I want is to walk into that doctors office and have the one thing that I actually can control (my weight) be the thing that slows this up!
There is a very small part of me that just wants to jump on a crash diet, lose the necessary weight, and call it a day. I know that this is not the solution, but the temptation is there none the less. I am so afraid of going backwards. No, I am not crazy, I know that one day of bad eating will not destroy all of my hard work, but I have been through this cycle enough times to genuinely worry.
I HAVE to do this! I don't have any other choice and I am upset with myself for losing sight of that. My plan thus far is to be more controlled with my planning. To actually map out my meals for the day or week ahead and then just follow it. No temptations, no gaps, no surprises. I have to buckle down and get this done. Sigh. Frustration.
Thanks for listening.