13.5, down and out
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Ok, before you read any further I use my blog as a whine and complain post, so don't keep reading. Hec, I am feeling sad today. Not that 5 year old type of sad, I mean that deep down, still and quiet type of sad. Like you wanna try something then say forget it, oh well. I volunteered to help with a race today. I can say that while I have always wanted to run like that, I don't. I dont envy those people who are in pain and tired. When I work out I like it afterwards (not running though), but I just dont anymore. And thats sad, because I used to be an honest to gosh gym rat. Now I am fat. My shirts are feeling tight all the time. The scale said I was supposedly 127, but this was an old abused gym scale. I was using stumble upon today, and it can across an artist who did pictures of my home area. I recognized EVERYTHING even though it was in the wilderness. I miss it so much. I want to go home. I don't know why though. All the activities, all the people I knew, all the excitement is gone. Oh sure the organization and the people are still largely there, but I am a visitor now. Just someone they humor. All the people, with the exclusion of two, that I know havent talked to me in a month. Some I have called 5 times. Why am I bothering? I mean, I know WHY, but still. In a way, those people are part of why I moved 2000 miles away to somewhere I dont like. So ya, between always feeling (and being) fat, ugly AND stupid (found this out two years ago), I am batting 100. I wish I could change. I dont know what to do anymore. And please, dont say I am beautiful if you did read this far. You havent seen me, and it just makes it feel so much more like a joke.