13.5, down and out

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Ok, before you read any further I use my blog as a whine and complain post, so don't keep reading. Hec, I am feeling sad today. Not that 5 year old type of sad, I mean that deep down, still and quiet type of sad. Like you wanna try something then say forget it, oh well. I volunteered to help with a race today. I can say that while I have always wanted to run like that, I don't. I dont envy those people who are in pain and tired. When I work out I like it afterwards (not running though), but I just dont anymore. And thats sad, because I used to be an honest to gosh gym rat. Now I am fat. My shirts are feeling tight all the time. The scale said I was supposedly 127, but this was an old abused gym scale. I was using stumble upon today, and it can across an artist who did pictures of my home area. I recognized EVERYTHING even though it was in the wilderness. I miss it so much. I want to go home. I don't know why though. All the activities, all the people I knew, all the excitement is gone. Oh sure the organization and the people are still largely there, but I am a visitor now. Just someone they humor. All the people, with the exclusion of two, that I know havent talked to me in a month. Some I have called 5 times. Why am I bothering? I mean, I know WHY, but still. In a way, those people are part of why I moved 2000 miles away to somewhere I dont like. So ya, between always feeling (and being) fat, ugly AND stupid (found this out two years ago), I am batting 100. I wish I could change. I dont know what to do anymore. And please, dont say I am beautiful if you did read this far. You havent seen me, and it just makes it feel so much more like a joke.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Okay. Bad days happen. As I work my way down from morbidly obese plus to just plain obese, my dream is to weigh in at 135. I'm 5'3", so you being at 127, I'm having a hard time picturing fat. (I also know that sometimes the "fat" is in our head more than on our bodies.) You're absolutely right, I don't know you; what I do know is that you appear to be in a good deal of pain. The stuff about home...about calling someone 5 times with no response--what's your payoff? I'm guilty of being a first class people pleaser and if you're pursuing (calling) someone repeatedly, you need to find out what your motivation is--another reason to beat yourself up?

    This is a great place..even a place to complain, but it's a great place to discover some of the reasons we even wanted to come here. Stay the course. It's the support and encouragement that make this so different from other programs. We don't want you to hurt or feel bad.

    1879 days ago
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