I gave up. Then I got up.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
I decided I couldn't do it. I had the knee injury, which makes me unstable walking sometimes so pretty sure hiking might be out. For sure, treadmills and race walking are out. Not to mention ellipticals for now. That leaves bikes and spinners without standing - and a combo arm/bike thingy at the YMCA. But did I go? No!!!!!
I am still in love with my ex and he loves me but it would never work. I hurt him and he hurt me even more and neither of us can forgive ourselves though we sure have each other. He is housebound due to disability and I just eat. And eat. And stay stuck. And give up on myself and my writing and my desires...wondering what everyone else would want and what my Heavenly Father wants of me.
I have financial difficulties, including student loans from grad school (oh, the happier days) and the medical bills from the knee X-ray and CT scan which didn't even fix the knee problem.. My boss would love to put me on permanent but can't due to contract restrictions so no benefits, just great working environment and terrific steady hours and pay.
I'm writing this to myself mostly though all who read it are welcome to if it will help....because in all of this, I had to decide what I want.
I want to be healthy. I want to wear the cute clothes. I want to have more energy and care about myself more. I don't want to marry again just to be cherished but wouldn't mind going on a date or on some group activities from time to time. I miss my mountains out West and my daughter in the East. I want to believe in myself enough in order to write full time and be able to live where I want to, whether that be remote cabin or beach or city loft. I want a bike, a canoe, a campfire, a tent and sometimes sushi (NOT from fishing, lol) and a car or at least a city bus.
I just don't know how to start. Seems like I'm in the same old rut and I don't want old age to slip up on me - or even feel that I can't due to age or certainly not weight/stamina.
Thanks for reading this far and for being there. Thanks to my inner self for not giving up entirely and to my daughter and my ex who think I'm smart, talented and capable. Like the song says, it would make a great song but it's just too sad to write. Now I just have to keep it from ruining the rest of my life.