I gave up. Then I got up.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

I decided I couldn't do it. I had the knee injury, which makes me unstable walking sometimes so pretty sure hiking might be out. For sure, treadmills and race walking are out. Not to mention ellipticals for now. That leaves bikes and spinners without standing - and a combo arm/bike thingy at the YMCA. But did I go? No!!!!!

I am still in love with my ex and he loves me but it would never work. I hurt him and he hurt me even more and neither of us can forgive ourselves though we sure have each other. He is housebound due to disability and I just eat. And eat. And stay stuck. And give up on myself and my writing and my desires...wondering what everyone else would want and what my Heavenly Father wants of me.

I have financial difficulties, including student loans from grad school (oh, the happier days) and the medical bills from the knee X-ray and CT scan which didn't even fix the knee problem.. My boss would love to put me on permanent but can't due to contract restrictions so no benefits, just great working environment and terrific steady hours and pay.

I'm writing this to myself mostly though all who read it are welcome to if it will help....because in all of this, I had to decide what I want.

I want to be healthy. I want to wear the cute clothes. I want to have more energy and care about myself more. I don't want to marry again just to be cherished but wouldn't mind going on a date or on some group activities from time to time. I miss my mountains out West and my daughter in the East. I want to believe in myself enough in order to write full time and be able to live where I want to, whether that be remote cabin or beach or city loft. I want a bike, a canoe, a campfire, a tent and sometimes sushi (NOT from fishing, lol) and a car or at least a city bus.

I just don't know how to start. Seems like I'm in the same old rut and I don't want old age to slip up on me - or even feel that I can't due to age or certainly not weight/stamina.

Thanks for reading this far and for being there. Thanks to my inner self for not giving up entirely and to my daughter and my ex who think I'm smart, talented and capable. Like the song says, it would make a great song but it's just too sad to write. Now I just have to keep it from ruining the rest of my life.
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    emoticon then emoticon

    Kaybee said it best. You got up and that is the bestest and biggest step. Take that last paragraph write that song or better a story into a I got up ending emoticon

    1971 days ago
  • KAYBEE37
    I read your blog post twice. So many deep feelings there. I've been kind of in the same place these past few days. I am really discouraged that all the enthusiasm I felt at the beginning of September didn't hold up well enough against the demands of work and everyday life. Actually, work was the bigger problem. It is just all-encompassing, and I always put it first. It feels like I always have to. But like you, I also want to get healthier, and feel energetic, and like you, I also want to WRITE. I think the reason why I don't write more is twofold: First, it feels like the weight-loss is so essential that it has to come first, and that what little non-work energy I have should go to that. And then there's also not knowing how to get going writing. I've got 70+ pages of notes about a story I want to write, but I have not had much success with taking the next steps and going from notes to first draft.

    Anyway, I really liked the "Then I got up" part of your blog post. I hope that you will always be able to do this. And I hope that I will always be able to do this. Have you seen The Matrix? The first one, I mean. At three pivotal times during the movie, a character says to another "Get up!" in a really determined voice. It's simple -- but it says everything. Don't lie there. Don't sit. Get up. Move. Do something. I try to think that way, but it's hard sometimes.

    I hope that this week is better for you and that you can see the positive side of things. Actually, I hope that we both can do that. Here's to a new month!

    1971 days ago
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