And change it has to be.....
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Second time in a week I burst into tears during a run....hmmmmmm I say something is going on in there. And there was. And I believe I fixed the problem, for now anyway. Once again I tried running my 3.1 miler to try and beat my best time so far, only to be taken out after mile #1. Yes, I got hammered in mile 1. I must say the trucker mouth I own at times came out rolling and might have brought some raised eyebrows from whoever may have been listening...did I care at that moment? Nope. I was doing everything I could to not throw my phone against the concrete and stamp on it. My phone has the stopwatch that I use to time my runs, that's why it was about to be destroyed.
I got past the anger and then the tears came, which prompted me to walk the rest of the way, which gave me lots of time to think about what was going on. Why is my body not responding the way I want it to? I eat clean, I exercise, I cross train, I ST...what.am.I.doing.wrong? At first I had no answers for myself to those questions, then I found some other frustrations that decided to get unblocked and creep out. My love lives quite far from me and he will be back soon, but still a ways off. I miss him all the time and I try to busy myself so it doesn't bother me as much. We talk every day, all day long most of the time so it's not like he isn't a part of my life. But maybe being "busy" isn't the answer for me here as it seems to be getting bottled up and creating a mascara mess on the side of the roads for me. It felt good getting it out though. It's a situation that can't be fixed at the moment, but we have a lifetime together and we make it the best we can. I have to be okay with it, but I must find a better way of dealing with it as it's not helping things when I'm feeling vulnerable like I have been in failing to achieve my run times. Ho hum.
I got home, plopped myself on the bed, pulled out the phone who was spared its untimely death (this time) and googled why my running is not improving. It's quite simple really, and something I have thought about but never read up on. My running base is not there. I'm constantly challenging myself so I'm always in race mode. Never have I been working on establishing a good running base for myself.
I sat there thinking about it and was like "duh" and tried hard not to give myself a hard time over neglecting this part of running. It's really common sense, so it made me take a look at me and what I'm actually trying to achieve here. Am I trying to run because I love the sport? Or am I trying to "busy" myself and at the same time doing what I've always done without paying attention to the fact that I'm continually failing at something and not putting the time in to figure out why. My answer was yes and yes and yes. I do love the sport and I need to do my homework on how to change some things, even though it will need to be done in a way that isn't necessarily the way I want to do it.
This 5k training has been so enlightening to me. It's forced me to go outside of the normal box, reach out to others who have more knowledge than me who are willing to share that knowledge and apply it to my life....and I've been able to see some controlling tendencies in myself that I don't really care for. I know where they came from and I also know I brought them into my life for a purpose at a time when I needed them to help me survive. But it's time to change those as they have no purpose left in my life. I did survive, have moved forward and get to change those unnecessary behaviors. They literally serve no more purpose in my life and are getting in the way now. So time to kick em to the curb. I can do this. I can and am willing to change so I can achieve my goals.
So I promised myself that I would wake up nice and early, get properly fueled and hydrated and I would set out to start working on my running base. It had to be one of the best runs I've ever had...in my life. It felt weird. It felt slow. It felt like I might as well have just walked it. But my body felt good. My mind was wrapping itself around this different feeling than it normally feels. I only had time to do 2 miles this morning, but for the first time in my life I ran outside for 2 miles and didn't stop once and still had enough energy to keep going, which I would have done if I hadn't ran out of time.
I will admit I had more tears this morning, but they were the good ones. The ones that tell me that change is good. It's necessary, especially when the normal way isn't working and is causing pain in any form. I didn't bring the phone with me this time, as I read that these types of runs are all about how you feel and gaining mileage. Of course I snuck a peak at the clock before I left my home and it was the first thing I looked at as I walked back in the door. It was by no means a "good" timing, but I looked past that and saw that my body is absolutely capable of doing this. It just needs to be worked differently to get me to my goal and I don't always know the best thing to do to get me there. Thank God for Google and all of the people who are willing to share what they know on there.
I plan on logging a few more miles this evening, with my "new" way of working my body and helping it to get to where I desire it to be. Happy days!