Tuesday, April 10, 2007
For people battling eating disorders, it's often stated that these individuals look in the mirror and see nothing but fat. Their frame can be frail and skeletal, but the disease relays a different message. The disease sees a fat person. I've often heard people say, "How can they possibly think they're fat?! Look at them!!" They can't understand how an individual could look at that body and see fat. But it's not so much the interpretation of the image, as it is the image itself. The eye is actually seeing a different image than that of a person who is not inflicted with the disease.
Although I'm not anorexic, I understand this phenomena. You see, I don't really know what I look like. In the same day, I see at least 4 different versions of me, often more. Usually I walk out the door thinking I look presentable...sometimes out and out hot. I feel confident, empowered and proud of who I am and how I look. An hour or two later I catch a glipse in a mirror, and it's then that I realise that I have morphed into a tired, drawn, fat woman.
I've looked towards pictures to answer the question, "What do I REALLY look like." but those only support the idea that I actually DO have superhuman capabilities. In fact, I can look at a stack of photos and actually see the morph in it's many different stages.
So, I'm left to rely on others to answer the question for me. What do I REALLY look like? Well, we can throw my husband's answer out the window right away. He's not willing to live with the repercussions of an ill-timed answer, regardless of how truthful it may be. There is my very close friend, my mother....but from the size of the underwear she buys me (think bedsheets) it's quite apparent she's inflicted with the same disease (hmmm, must be genetic). So I'm left wondering, will I ever really know what I look like.