It has been 4 months and 14 days since my last blog. So much has happened, so much has changed.
Perhaps the biggest and most important change has been with inside myself.
This is the place I have always been able to come and be completely honest with myself and with anyone out there who happens to read any of my mental meanderings. So this is the place I come to on a day that is momentous. I have spent a great deal of the last 24 hours trying to put my finger on what exactly it is about this day that strikes a different, more provocative chord than others I have had. There certainly have been actual REAL days of milestones.. Those are milestones are to be shared a different day.
Today, is about today.
I am on day 47 of recovery from an almost devastating down slide into the abyss of alcoholism. It is true what many say about it being a very cunning, baffling and powerful disease. It was one that I never would have known I had until it was almost too late. Through a series of events, one more devastating than the last, that I found myself, shaking, terrified, weak and more willing than I have ever been in my life to find any answer other than the answers I thought I had been finding. I found myself on the doorstep of an intervention service that I truly believe I was led to by the sheer grace of God, to a counselor, who himself was 23 years recovered from the same disease. It was this counselor that invited to me to once again explore the rooms of alcoholics anonymous. I had been before, on the occasions when I would have an episode of drinking that would result in a black out and I would become scared and sought to see if I indeed had a problem.. Every time previously, I had deduced that I was nothing like any of the people in those rooms and had nothing in common with any one individual sharing the same seat I sat in.
This time, as I entered the doors of AA, I knew I belonged, I knew that I was finally willing enough to receive the help I so desperately needed, and even more importantly I knew with resolve I WANTED it.
This time, I listened.
This time I actually looked around at the people there with me.
This time I knew I had a problem, and
THIS time I knew that the seat I sat in was truly where I belonged and not knowing what the solution was, I did know I would finally find it.
As i looked around at the full room of people around me, I saw very real people, people I would see in a grocery store, or mall. Some had a grace and a light within them. Were these people so different than the people from other rooms I had been in, or was it that I was different? Was it that I was finally broken enough to see that there was an answer, a solution? Perhaps, here in this room, in that seat i finally felt that I might find some peace in a soul I had managed to completely turn inside out and upside down.
It is day 47. Not everyday is peaceful, but more days are now than any other days I could string together in the past year especially.
I cry now.
I have a whole spectrum of emotions I never knew I was missing.
I have friends, real, honest to goodness people that know exactly how I feel, where I am at and what I am going through. More importantly, I am finding me again, and it turns out I am not quite as bad as I originally had painted myself.
Today, I realize I can be a whole human being.
Today, I still have 47 days of honest sobriety.
Today I know I will never be alone again, because I have found my higher power, and he walks through this journey with me and carries me sometimes when the road is treacherous.
Today I walked through the loss of a young man who thought he could have one last adventure in this intoxicating disease and it killed him. I didn't have to drink over it. Today I am still sober although one of my brothers has fallen who began his path with me. I get to love him through it and begin his portion of the journey again with him. Because I never know when there might be a day that he will have to do the same with me.
Today, on this 47th day, I celebrate being sober and getting to make that choice, today, to stay sober. I only have to worry about spiritual progress, rather than spiritual perfection.
Today, I maintain my weightloss of almost 3 years, and a new life of cognizance where I can actually enjoy EVERYTHING.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; She can laugh at the days to come.