Tuesday, September 25, 2012
It's time for me to make it real. I try to stay upbeat and keep a positive attitude, but faking it will only take you so far. It is time for me to strip it down and be honest with myself. I am not advancing toward my goals the way I want or should be. I have no one to blame except myself, but there it is.
I allow life to get in my way. I allow myself to get overwhelmed with all the things I have to do from day to day and week to week. I convince myself that I have a handle on it but, in reality, I am completely out of control. I know what I need to do and how I need to do it. The best laid plans of mice and men.....
I can blow smoke and say I am done allowing things to get in my way and I am done allowing myself to get overwhelmed, but this is all about being honest with myself. I WANT to be done allowing things to get in my way and I WANT to be done allowing myself to get overwhelmed. Some days it seems so clear how to go about doing that and some days it's as clear as mud.
I WANT so many things for myself:
*I want to be healthy.
*I want to have a body that I am happy with.
*I want to have confidence in myself and feel like I am worthy.
*I want to get rid of this pain that I have lived with my entire life that I am not quite good enough.
I have always struggled with self-love and self-confidence. I have always felt like I am not quite good enough. Since childhood, I have always wanted to be like somebody, I have never wanted to be like me. I have never wanted to be like me because I'm not good enough, I have never been smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough. I want to be someone that people like, someone that people love. I fool myself into thinking I am a good person because I do everything I can to help everyone else and make everyone else happy. I don't know how to do anything else. I love with everything I have and doubt what I get in return. There is always this feeling that I'm hiding inside myself because if I say what I think or what I feel then people will turn away from me. Then they won't like me or they won't love me. And if they do love me, why?
How can I give love and receive love if I don't love myself? I don't even know how to love myself. I tell myself that I am worth it and that I deserve it, but they are just empty words. They sound good, they sound positive, but they don't really have any meaning to me. I'm just going through the motions. I don't want to be this person anymore. This person with no faith, no confidence, no love for myself. I know the changes have to come from within, I just don't know how.