Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Am having some stress because I forgot to renew my driver's license. It will expire Wednesday and I have to fly back to California on Saturday. The airport security will absolutely not allow me on a plane with an expired driver's license. I have been trying all day to renew online and have just been hitting cyber walls. I follow the directions but it doesn't work. The online link sent me in an email doesn't work. I also was given a phone number to use and it was busy every time I called. I am trying to keep down the panic. Actually, it doesn't have to be panic. If worse comes to worse, I guess I take Greyhound home. A drag, as riding on a bus for umpteen hours was not in the plan. But it gets to panic because it does bring up a lot of self-judgement over my life-long procrastination and difficulty dealing with paperwork (I had actually also misplaced the license and didn't realize it until I went to change purses just before leaving for the airport! Panic! Self-criticism for 20 minutes, all the while trying to fight the tendency. Found the license just before the taxi was arriving), which leads to...
I went fishing with my friend this afternoon. What's the problem with that? It involves a fair amount of quiet sitting. I don't mind us not talking, but I realize how much of my quiet time I have to fight negative thoughts. (I also forgot my meds.) If I just tried to rest and relax, the thoughts that arose were of my problems. Working at a job that presses so many of my buttons (after a 20-year search for a career), trying not to judge myself for not being in a relationship after having tried for 16 years to find one, having lost so much money in real estate, feeling depressed that after being so frugal for my whole adult life, I will still be just barely making it in retirement, wishing I could find work I would love to do until I drop, feeling bad that I searched and tried to solve that one for 20 years until I felt I just had to give in and do something to make decent money, feeling like I am just waiting for time to pass, etc. I have worked so hard to solve my non-food problems, but I haven't been able to. Or at least that's the way it feels. I try very hard to take my own advice and be in the moment, use rational thoughts to attack the negative ones, get in touch with my spiritual essence, etc. But it all feels like so much work and I just get tired of it. I found myself fighting back tears. And this is all after food is mostly handled.
Of course, by the time you all read this, I'll be past it, most likely. Even now, I had a moment of compassion for myself and realized I got through it. So, just say hi! The best thing you can do for me is to acknowledge your own preciousness.