Advertisement -- Learn more about ads on this site.

    JESPAH   231,440
200,000-249,999 SparkPoints

Wishing You Were Far Away

Monday, September 24, 2012

You'd think, with all this "leisure" time I have, not working and all, that I'd be happily relaxed and not pining for a vacation.

'Course not.

A part of it is the inevitable worry, not just about money and bills, but also, a small, nagging voice saying, "You're never going to work again!"

I hate that voice.

Yet it is talking to me, and it gets louder at times, and softer at others. Yes, folks, same old, same ole - I can't find work.

It is not through a lack of effort on my part, nor is it due to a lack of prospects out there (although over the summer, it was dead, dead, dead here). Last Friday, I had a phone screen. It all sounded lovely. The woman I talked to was pleasant and liked my questions. And whenever I'd ask, "Now, let me see if I understand ...", I would be right.

And here we are.

Now, I am well aware that these things take time, it doesn't happen overnight, yeah, I know all of this. I know the lyrics to this old song because I sing it every freakin' day.

And of course I sing it about my weight loss journey as well.

Important things take time.
You didn't get heavy overnight.
Maintenance is harder than losing.
Long-term losing is especially difficult.
You're 50 so, by definition, losing is a pain in the patoot.

And on and on and on.

I am awfully tired of the song.

And I am so tired of it that, truth be told, I've been ignoring other still, small voices.

On Sunday (er, yesterday), I got out a pair of jeans and put them on. Now, this is not remarkable in and of itself. However, this was the first time I'd put on something longer than capri pants (other than sweats) since early June or so, when Massachusetts decided to become as hot as the surface of the sun.

Size 16, dontcha know.

And they fit.

No tugging, no holding my breath. No cursing the day I was born.

Yes, I have been smaller. During this weight loss journey, I flirted off and into size 10 territory.

But I am fine with this. For the voice that tells me I will never work again and that I am a 16 and should be a 10 is trying to drown out the other voice.

The other voice says, yeah, you're a 16, but less than 5 years ago, you were a 26.

It says you walk every day and you lift weights and you have stamina that other people of your age can only dream about.

It says you make good choices and you don't let a brownie pulverize your willpower and your desire.

It says this ain't easy but you are doing it pretty damned well.

Now I just need to get it to talk about my job search.

Member Comments About This Blog Post:

    you sound like you are exactly where you are most comfortable being and what a wonderful thing it is to able to know that.

Report Inappropriate Comment
TEMPEST272002 9/24/2012 9:15PM

    Keep arguing back against the voice that is lying to you. You will work again. You have made major life changes. You are worthy just exactly how you are right now.

Report Inappropriate Comment
ADRIENALINE 9/24/2012 1:23PM

    It WILL happen. It just takes time!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MS.ELENI 9/24/2012 1:10PM

    I think you do great. emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GUITARWOMAN 9/24/2012 12:12PM

    Sounds like you have the right attitude!

the job thing is hard....I think you are in a techie kind of field?

Could you do other kind of work?

Report Inappropriate Comment
PHEBESS 9/24/2012 11:25AM

    YAY for smaller jeans!

And there's a job out there for you - it's the finding that job that sucks.

Report Inappropriate Comment
DDOORN 9/24/2012 11:14AM

    Self-Acceptance muscles...I think they're some of the hardest ones to build...and it sounds like you are ROCKIN' in that department! Awesome deal! :-)


Report Inappropriate Comment
KLONG8 9/24/2012 11:05AM

    I loved this blog, thank you. You are fighting the good fight and winning. The voices are there for all of us but recognizing that and working to drown them out is the way to go. Congratulations on losing 10 dress sizes AND with that type of focus I know you'll have a work opportunity soon. Good luck, good luck...good luck! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
IFDEEVARUNS2 9/24/2012 11:04AM

    And it will. Just be sure to listen! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment

Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

Log in to post a comment.

Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

Other Entries by JESPAH