Sunday, September 23, 2012
There have been two or three times where I have totally had no bingeing symptoms of wanting to escape from reality into food. I actually haven't had too many instances of really trying extreme dieting. But sometimes after I have had an epiphany, I feel no urge to overeat and I exercise without effort for weeks at a time.
So I have relapsed and learned the lesson. It hurt to say that. It hurt to chalk up another failure. The lack of symptoms are a symptom for me. Now I have to figure out what to do when these times come. A problem I had this time was I decreased my calories too much because I did not even want to eat carbs and I exercised too hard. For now, I am just eating good food as much as I can and not beating myself up if I don't. My aim is to exercise three times a week doing things I like.
Right now, I am trying to figure out how to mourn. I was sexually abused as a child and I am just now at 40 figuring out the impact of this. There is mourning for that event that I need to happen but I don't know how. I also have to look at how that has marked me.
I have dealt with depression, isolation and binge eating all my life. And yes, a major reason for that was the sexual abuse. I remember the walls first coming up when it happened and I have kept them up. When someone crosses boundaries when you are young, you lose any concept of your boundaries or anyone elses. So I initially was in denial about the importance of the abuse and have therefore spent more than half my life wondering what was wrong with me.
And now I am struggling to not be in denial anymore. There is a little part of me that thinks I should dismiss it or get over it and not have daddy issues at 40. I need to tell that voice to F*** off. Crap happened to me and I am doing the best I can to take care of myself and learning along the way.