Sunday, September 23, 2012
I have been overcoming my fears and changing up my life quite a bit. Yesterday I went for a job interview at Trader Joe's and got offered the job right on the spot. I was so elated/nervous/scared that I went immediately to an OA meeting on the way home to help me deal with my feelings instead of bingeing. It was centering. I broke down a little bit when I shared because of all the contradictory emotions I was feeling. I am scared that I will be too busy to take this on, that it will take away time from my painting. But I recognize that I am always afraid of changes, and that this is an opportunity to bring new, fresh experiences to my life, and that in the past, fear of change had taken me to a very dark place.
This morning I sang my first solo at my new church gig, and I got off to a really shaky start because of nerves; the latter half of the solo went well, but my usual reaction is to have a hurricane of negative, self-berating thoughts afterwards. I went into it asking my higher power to be with me, and asking forgiveness for any mistakes and imperfections. At Coffee Hour, I wanted to raid the table, but I ended up in a conversation with a woman and concentrated on connecting instead of isolating. It kept me from stuffing my face.
On my bike ride home I passed so many binge-able places, but I managed to make it home without falling out of contact with my higher power. I knew my urge to eat was because I was afraid of the torrent of emotions. Last year, I quit all my singing jobs because I couldn't take the flood of self-hating thoughts that followed each performance. I would get almost suicidally distressed, even if the performance went well. Today, I feel like I am learning to ride out the storm. I know that I am loved and forgiven whether I have imperfections or not. Even if I got fired from the new jobs, it would be a blessing as well. Everything turns out fine in the end, because everything turns out the way HP makes it.