Food addiction is a scary thing. You don't even know that you're dealing with it until it's just about too late, until it has consumed (literally and figuratively) all of you. Food becomes a coping mechanism. Bored? Eat. Upset? Eat. Need comfort? Eat. And Eat. AND EAT. EAAAAAT. It's like this demonic voice in the back of your head at all times, nagging you, taunting you. It knows your every move and watches you, waiting for the slightest of missteps so it can slap you in the face and trigger a binge. It tells you there is nothing wrong with going to Chick-Fil-A and ordering a half-dozen giant chocolate chip cookies with the intention of splitting one of them between your two kids. It tells you there is nothing wrong with eating 3 or 4 pudding cups with a big glass of chocolate milk. It convinces you that you've gone this far, it's ok to have just one more, just a little more, one more slice, one more bite. And another. And another. It let's you know that it's ok to go through the drive-through on your way home, because no one will know you ate an entire meal and if no one else knows, it doesn't count. It makes you sneak, it makes you lie, and it takes over your life.
I don't know about you, but I surely would not want to live that way, with the voice. It was renting space in my head, and now it's time to break the lease and evict that son-of-a-bitch. I've had enough.
But let me tell you some little, less obvious ways that the voice works. Ever hear of food porn? Yeah, it's a real thing. Pictures of delicious food, just to look at. You're never going to get that beautiful slice of chocolate cake oozing with gooey icing and delicately adorned with beautiful red raspberries. But at that point, whatever is in the pantry will do. And then there is that food addict's other dirty little pleasure.... the Food Network. If we're talking food porn, than this is the soft-core version that shows on Cinemax late at night. Only it's got it's own channel, and it's on all day long. The shows featuring different culinary delights from around the world are like little GUNS: shooting bullets of temptation at you. But you're not going to that delish dish that's being featured. Again, you're going to get whatever is in the pantry; leftovers, pudding cups, half a loaf of bread slathered in peanut butter. Don't believe me? Check this article out... http://fitbie.msn.com/food-por
I love you. I hate you.
Sounds like fun, right? Hardcore food addiction, at it's worse (where I was), is so scary. I can say all this now because I'm reflecting on it. But while it was happening, I would have denied it, justified it, or kept it hidden really well. My husband finally said something. And that's what broke me. I had to have a complete breakdown and realize where the problem stemmed from, what the hell was going on. I wasn't always like this.
I have a long family history of various addictions: smoking, alcoholism, drugs, gambling, etc, etc. But the only one I personally had ever succumbed to was smoking. I started smoking when I was 11 years old and continued to do so until I was 25, when using Chantix, I quit. I'm 29 now, so the slip from nicotine addiction to food addiction was gradual. The last year was when it truly went apecrap. Maybe it was the move from Nj to Tulsa, OK and the ease of access of any variety of fast food I could imagine. Maybe it was just the stress of adjusting to a new place. Dealing with my husbands depression on top of my own. I don't know for sure what made it go crazy.
There were situations that took place that were so stressful, there were several occasions where I thought it might be a good idea to start smoking again. But why replace obesity and food addiction with the equally deadly smoking addiction? I continued to eat and eat. I have now eaten myself to about 250lbs. It might have been higher at any given point, after the first time I weighed in I didn't weigh myself again for weeks.
So what was I to do? On my husbands suggestion, I'm using an e-cigarette with an ultra-low level of nicotine. It's sad to say it, but smoking was my missing link. I've been using the e-cig to fill that void that food was doing for the longest time. I hate to admit, but I am a smoker. Just now I use a vapor stick. Is it replacing one addiction with another? Yes. But until I have the $$ to regularly see a therapist to get my addiction under control, the e-cig seems like the lesser of all evils. In just 2 days, I have lost 6 pounds. I'm curious to see where this journey will take me, and hope you'll come along to check in every now and then.
Info and Sales of E-Cigs: http://www.vaporkings.com/
I can't see how they wouldn't help someone with a smoking addiction.