Aaah, binging but trying to stop it!
Saturday, September 22, 2012
I don't know why but I have been binging a lot in the last few days. I was going so well before! I ate a very clean diet, did my determined amount of cardio each day and did ST when planned but yesterday and today I've eaten like there is no tomorrow!!
It's weird but over the last few days I've been returning to this thought I've pondered over the last few years about selling my own baked goods. I've read articles about people making a bit of money selling their cakes and such at local markets at the weekend and since I love cooking, I've always wondered whether I could do the same. I love to cook but obviously want to eat healthily and have often found there to be a struggle between these two issues. I went to a country fête in Upton park near Poole (a town in south England) where I met this lovely lady who made these cakes from vegetables and that contained no fat. I forgot what it was but it wasn't like a carrot cake or something like that, but a cake with such a strange vegetable to include but tasted delish!! I now want to make cakes and treats that are nutritious if that is possible and which aren't like the sinfully chocolate stuff because I love to eat clean and do believe sugar is so bad for you. Anywho, my mind has been racing with how to start a business selling healthy baked treats, what I could make, where I could sell it, what I could call it, how I would design the packaging, etc, like a madman with an idea that has run away with me!!
Even though I love food like cake and fruit tea bread because of the calories I have been trying out various versions in cafés which I wish to emulate and been thinking about what I could create and all this focus on treats has made me eat like crazy!! My binging these last two days can't be all down to this but it's like I have had no control over my appetite! Even when I know I am full, when I've previously backtracked on promises to myself to not have another treat for the day and to stay super clean, I eat some more and then snack again!!
On Friday night I know I had eaten more than I had planned in the day but thought that rather than berate myself about it, just say I had eaten more than planned but I will eat superclean the next day and even planned my meals and prepared in advance. Unfortunately I have not stuck to it! I went to Bath today with family to meet relatives from South Africa that I have never met before and so it's been a crazy day. I did okay in beginning, ate a good breakfast of greek yogurt and fruit, and then oats with protein powder later but then kept on snacking on falafels on the way down, had 5 coffees in the day, had an alcoholic drink when decided I didn't want to have any in the restaurant and ended up having dessert which I never normally do! I even had sticky toffee pudding which I have tasted a bit before and really liked it. It was good but not that amazing and to be honest, I would have felt better and more proud of myself and felt better in the long term but NOT eating extra, not feeling bloated and bit angry that I did not keep to my plan. I plan to eat clean tomorrow, eat my oats and protein in the morning, no coffee in the day, no sugary / sweet snacks, and such but I am worried I can't guarantee it knowing how I did today! All I can say it that I ate too much, don't feel great about but not going to hate myself and make it worse. I plan to eat better tomorrow and want a super clean week next week while doing regular exercise but unsure know whether I can do it! Why is it after losing 65lbs I find it hard at the last 5lbs?! Surely it should be easier or I would have thought!
Sorry my thoughts are very random but this is how I have been feeling of late, like there is a million thoughts and ideas going around and around in my head and it's hard to keep track of them all and know what to focus on. I should be getting resources ready for my job where I work as a one-to-one person with an autistic child in a mainstream school; I really want to eat super clean and continue daily exercise; I want to work out my issues surrounding my low self-esteem and deal with past problems; and apply for a funded place on an educational psychology which I have to do by late January and so on, so many things I have to do and want to achieve but it's like where do I get the time?! I've tried cutting down to what is essential but I find many of these things I need to deal with now. I've noticed I have been very stressed of late and so have realised that I actually just need to stop sometimes and simply relax but that's not always easy for me to do. I never used to be like that. Even 2 years ago I could relax whenever and just take time out but now it's like 'I have to do this and do that...'. I'm the opposite of my brother who is very lazy and procrastinates. I know that if I want to get something done, I need to do it now and it can't wait or I'll forget or get sidetracked by something else.
I'm going to write down my plan for next week that I hope to stick to and will just take it one day at a time! I don't know what else I can do.