Friday, September 21, 2012
I know I'm supposed to be writing about my nutrition & fitness journey, but I didn't know where else to go. I didn't want to post to FB, and I don't journal on paper anymore.
The last 10 minutes have brought me to tears, and I'm quietly sniffling in my office. I just HAVE to let it out, to write it, and share it.
Facebook is a truly magical tool. If you've been using it long enough and frequently enough, it literally documents your life.
Today I was doing my usual routine of scrolling though my newsfeed and saw my 8th grade cheer coach was tagged in a photo. It was a gravestone. I was so shocked.
The gravestone was beautiful. It had a photo of her lovely smile. It told me she died in June of last year. The epitaph reads "Goodbye little children; Goodnight you handsome man". And the waterworks began.
I went to her page and there were literally hundreds of posts, and revealed the story of her life in reverse chonological order. There were pictures of her beautiful little boy; I didn't know she'd had a child in the years since we'd caught up. There were throngs of posts where her friends just needed to "talk" to her, to let her know that they were thinking of her. Wishing her a happy birthday, happy mothers day, merry christmas in heaven.
There were links posted to her wall about cancer research and fundraisers. Oh no... my mind had hoped that it was something quick like a car accident. But cancer... "I'm comforted to know you are no longer in pain," one friend wrote. Oh, my heavy heart.
Scrolling further, I found posts from the day of her death. I just couldn't stop looking. There were so many posts, so many different emotions. Relief, deep sadness, confusion, people trying to wish her back.
Then I kept going. Digitally unfurling before me was her final days. She wrote: "Ok, I really need some high-calorie food ideas.. I will NOT let myself get down into double-digits! Chili cheese dogs for the 4th meal in a row!" Still positive, still light-hearted.
Further down, months before she passed, a few friends wrote well-wishes for her return trip to the hospital.
Still further she wrote a happy status saying "You know what is exciting? I'm going from 12 meds, including 2 injectables, down to 3 pills because I'm doing so much better!" This was 4 months before her death, and she still held hope. What a fighter.
Before that, the last post that my phone will load, was from when she was having a particularly hard time. "I'm trying to think of an inspiring quote," she writes,"but all I keep thinking of is GIRL YOU LOOK GOOD WON'T YOU BACK THAT A** UP!" She was just like that.. she lightened everything with humor!!
I don't feel compelled to share this because I personally suffered a loss. I hadn't seen her since 8th grade, and hadn't "talked" to her since she added me on FB about 3 years ago. I wanted to share it because it's a beautifully tragic story. Like, Lifetime Movie level. There had to be a point where she was in her hospital bed and the realization struck her that her little boy would grow up without her... I'm not going to let myself think about that too deeply.
I hate that cancer did this to her and her family and the world. I hate that no one will ever her one of her quips again or hear her laugh. I've got to do something.
Sorry this was so self indulgent and untopical. I just had to.