Friday, September 21, 2012
I have been looking at places where I had pictures taken, and old records that I have here and there of my trials with this life long struggle. It reminds me in a way of how we teach our nursing students that people need to be lifelong learners. I could look over my records and come to the determination that I am a failure, because after gaining the belief from a really fine weight watchers leader, that I Could in fact achieve a "normal" BMi, and attaining that in late 2003, I had a period of regain. I dug out my somewhat sparse records from the National weight control registry. I enrolled in that after a period of time when I used weight watchers to Re-lose some weight I had put on. I was reminded of that study when I got into a discussion about it on Spark. Anyway I achieved and maintained a "normal" BMI for about 4 years. I found an interesting note on one follow up report to the NWCR that I copied for my little file. It says I gained 10 pounds in the four year follow up year, and that it was due to Injury (bad bicycle accident) Stress (Mom had to be moved to a nursing home because she became violent - she had Alzheimer's disease and I had been caring for her and several other ladies with dementia in our home) and Change in Job (I took a job in the local University teaching Nursing). I found that the data in this little file filled in my spreadsheet of weight changes that I did when I got back on this path.
I am struggling with this now, because I need to define what constitutes maintenance for me. I want a date to celebrate. I have intended to use my weight watchers lifetime membership goal of 164 as the beginning of maintenance. As I approach that I am wondering about it. When I did not have the support of my WW meetings (when I went back to work teaching and stopped weighing in monthly) I began drifting up and down. As the job became more and more stressful I would drift higher each year until I saw myself briefly entering the dreaded twoterville in late 2008. I can see I was fighting it, as it never went too far into that land, but I also did not manage to get very far away from there. I know some facts of life about "normal"
1) There is Nothing "Normal" about me. I am an extraordinary person, as are all of you here.
2) If something stops me from exercising, I am just Not Good at managing stress and I go back to my old habits of soothing it with food.
3) From this community, I find that there are people who could have helped me choose alternative exercise when I was injured. I won't forget that.
4) Sure, I can do it by myself. Today. But not consistently. And if I turn my back on this it is going to cause me to lose what I have today - a healthy body, and a joyful and grateful spirit.
5) NEEDING other people and support does not make me a weak person.
I am an egomaniac with low self esteem at my worst. This time back I was broken in a big way. When I began to use Spark again it was rough admitting I needed help. I joined, then dropped out, then joined again. I was extremely ill and had begun losing weight without trying. It was just luck. I thank you all in this community