Friday, September 21, 2012
Yesterday, I had four seizures, ate 6 slices of pan pizza, cooked healthy food all day long and then suddenly decided that I did not want any of it. And broke my one sweet a day streak. I was a mega-bi**h online to several people and yelled at some poor customer service rep!! This is not a confession, it is a serious look at someone who is not the tiniest bit in control of herself. This is not a model of someone who has put their trust in God and who tries to embody Christ in all her actions.
So, I found myself sitting on the Porcelain Throne, at 11pm, begging God to help me. I blurted out every place where I failed. I asked God to please just help me, because I was not doing too well on my own. (When do we ever?) Then I got really sleepy, went right to sleep and woke up rested and alert at 2am. I could feel the presence of the Lord, his gentle nudging and his love. He said, "Write. And remember to LEAVE your burdens with me, not just tell me about them and take them with you."
When I was my version of on my knees, I asked God to make me serious about this fight, this journey to lose the overweight person I am carrying around on my back, like a monkey. I also begged him to take the seizures from me, because they are interfering with MY mission to lose weight.
This morning it was abundantly clear that I was trying to latch onto another reason to not succeed at something I started. To create a perfect excuse to eat 3/4 of a pizza and sleep all day. I have been having at least one psychogenic seizure a day for a week now. Yet, I have not missed one day of exercising. I managed to stand in the kitchen and cook healthy food. I logged onto Sparkpeople and recorded what I planned to eat. If the seizures were really standing in my way, I would not have been able to do all those very important pieces of this journey.
So, God in his infinite wisdom may take the seizures now that I realized that they are not preventing anything from happening or he may leave them until I learn to stop stressing out enough to cause them. Because if I am that stressed, I am not trusting in God, I am relying on me. I have 44 years of proof that I am not to be relied on in this area.
I also awoke this morning with the knowledge that I need to take more accountability for myself and my actions and reactions. Every temptation is not imp-inspired. Every obstacle is not Satan trying to thwart me in my goal. Most are just part of living and I and I alone am responsible for how I treat them. This doesn't mean I do not trust in God, it means that I do not use the Enemy as a crutch. I am always saying I am a warrior, well, it is time to not just fight when the battle is desperate but as a warrior to be constantly vigilant against any and all threats to my mission and to avoid them when possible, destroy them if not.
So, I chose to give in yesterday to the pain, frustration, confusion and guilt and eat like I was 15 and would burn it off in 5 mins because I still am never stationary. I chose to let my lack of sleep make me cranky and mean. Nobody made me, Satan didn't whisper slyly in my ear, and my cat didn't tie me to a chair and force the food in. I, Aurora, made poor choices and now have to deal with the results of them.
My humming hymn of the day is going to be "Order My Steps" by Glenn Burleigh and we will just see about giving up when the going gets the least little bit hard. I come from stronger stock than that, and it is high time I act like it.
God pointed me in the right direction. Let's see if I let him lead me or end up on my knees again in a month, begging him to give me more time. The choice, the decision, the steps I take from this moment forward are MY free will. God has ordered my steps, he has answered my prayer.