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    STEPH-KNEE   71,566
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6 months, nsv's, and the boy... (Pretty long, proceed w/ caution)

Friday, September 21, 2012

emoticon I have been on Spark off and on since 2009. I had to let go of a lot of success/failure, and the past is the past. So this journey that I am on started on March 20th of 2012. I started the journey at 262 pounds. Not my highest weight of 272, but pretty close to it. Since March 20th, I have gotten down to 222 (as of this morning, that isn't getting officially tracked until Wednesday though, so we will see what happens and I can celebrate a total of 50 pounds down for the first time ever). 40 pounds in 6 months I feel is a respectable amount. It isn't some mind blowing amount of weight for that time frame, but I am proud just the same. Slow and steady wins the race. emoticon

So this time is outstanding because...
emoticon I have NEVER gone more than 4 months without quitting. Currently 6 Months in, I have already blown that out of the water!

emoticon I have NEVER gotten to the 50 pound lost mark EVER. 40 pounds lost, 42 maybe even 44 pounds lost, but never the 50 mark. I should be celebrating that by next Wednesday.

emoticon I have NEVER truly believed that I would get to my goal weight in the past, but this time I KNOW I'm going to get there. I can picture myself at that weight, I feel like it is so close that I can almost touch it, despite it being about 42ish pounds away.

emoticon I have NEVER thought about how I was going to maintain in the past. This time, I am already thinking of what I will do to maintain and it's basically the same thing I am doing to lose the weight. This makes me happy.

NSV of the day:
emoticon Wearing the beautiful ring my mom got me at least 7 Christmases ago. It finally fits again and I'm a happy girl.

The Boy:
For the select lovely ladies requesting more info on my status about the boy... it is still too soon to tell. I don't want to get all gushy on here just to write back in a week that my heart was stomped on are anything, but here is the overview.

*I met this boy 4 years ago, we went on one date and never went out again. However we have kept in contact and have been chatting/texting buddies 4 years later.

*He has been trying to hang out with me for 2 years, but I just wouldn't go. It was nothing to do with him, it was strictly me and my self consciousness. With that said, I will explain to you all WHY that was, under one condition. I do not want any lecturing about this issue. I don't want to hear "self esteem and self confidence has to come from within you, and it has nothing to do with weight" or "if you don't love yourself, how can anyone else love you." Those comments will be deleted on the spot, and you will see why...

Here is what it was. He was once very overweight and he isn't anymore but he is very understanding of my weight "issue". When I met him 4 years ago, I was probably like 210ish. These last 2 years, when he was trying to hang out with me I was anywhere from 250-272. I mentioned to him I had gained a LOT of weight since he last saw me, and he said he didn't care. In fact, I know he didn't care, but I held myself back because I just felt so defeated and couldn't bare the thought of facing him at an even higher weight. I said I don't need the lecturing, because I have been working a LOT on my self confidence, self esteem and my life in general. I am a different person than I was the last 2 years and while it is still a work in progress, I am doing a lot better in all those areas. I am doing my best to understand that I am a pretty groovy chick, weight issues or not... but 2 years ago I was not able to separate weight from self worth. I still have my moments, but I have come leaps and bounds in separating those two things. So that was why I really don't need to hear it LOL. emoticon

That said, getting back down in the 220's, but MORE IMPORTANT than the number on the scale was me working on my self and my self confidence, I felt that I could see him and put my best foot forward.

So needless to say I hung out with him last Wednesday and Thursday and we had a lot of fun. I have not seen him this week and I'm a little bummed, but we each work 12 hour shifts, and on top of it we are currently exact opposites. I am working 5pm to 5am and he is working 430 am to 5pm. So it's definitely not ideal. I also have set days off and he doesn't and he works a lot of over time. We also don't live super close, we live maybe 35ish miles apart and if it's a time where there is traffic it can take a very long time to get over there. His job is very physically exhausting and he is not a good texter. He's just not and he hasn't been a very good texter in the past. But he is definitely making an effort and we aren't in contact everyday yet, but he is getting better.

I just don't want to get my hopes up, because it's a weird situation. It's hard because I feel like I've known him so long, and while it's partially true, it's still a very different situation because we only truly hung out that once many years ago, so it's still "new" in that regards.

Anyways, I am really opening up here and putting myself out there, and hopefully this won't have to be followed up with a blog where I get my heart clobbered. *Fingers crossed*

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KASTASTROPHY 9/24/2012 9:06AM

    BIG HUGS!!!! I understand 100% of this post and i'm right there learning to be a confident woman instead of just being a just being a thin person!!!

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THESHELBSTER 9/23/2012 11:23AM

    I am so freaking proud of you. You are awesome!

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CHICAT63 9/22/2012 6:53AM

    Ok, foremost you are to be very proud of yourself. You are doing SUPER on all fronts that being said I know firsthand how shifts are on a relationship so you do what is best for you ! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JACOBSBELOVED 9/21/2012 11:31PM

    AMAZING!!!!! I'm so happy for you!!!! You are so close to being in the 2teens now too!!! Onederland is so very, very close!

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_MOBII_ 9/21/2012 10:58PM

    How exciting! So many reasons for your heart to be pitter pattering!

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HEATHERFREE 9/21/2012 10:49PM

    Dude your weight loss is going amazing! You have stuck in there so much better than some of us! Just think about that! Like you say 40 pounds isn't much in six months but it truly is, I've had way more downs than ups on this journey and Ive only lost 25 pounds since december. As for the "boy" how did I miss this new boy?! Did you blog about a date and I didnt know or what? Im confused! lol

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GEMINIGEM6 9/21/2012 10:12PM

    First off congrats on the weight loss! That is great! I swear we are a lot alike. I too have not made it to my goal or even the 50lb mark. I got to 41lbs lost back in 2001 then I managed to gain it all back & then some! So I KNOW this is a great victory for you! Yay! I also understand not wanting to meet someone when you feel self conscious about weight. Been there, done that. I also know the whole thing you're talking about as far as self love and acceptance comes from within and all that. I am still working on separating self image from self worth. I have always had a hard time with it and feel it is the root of my weight problems. So I am now working on myself inwardly in a way I never have before. As far as 'the boy', just enjoy it girl! Don't worry about posting then having to write if it didn't work out or whatever. Have we not all experienced that? And it could very well go in the other direction! And right now, you like the guy...so you wanna talk about it. That's how we are as women. :) I hope everything goes the way you want it to, AND as far as your weight loss...I know you're gonna make your goal this time too. :)

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DUMBBELLE84 9/21/2012 2:45PM

  Very exciting stuff! You're doing just amazing, can't wait to see what's in store for you!

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IRONBLOSSOM 9/21/2012 2:12PM

    40 pounds in 6 months is AMAZING!! Congrats!! I've lost 1/2 that! That is incredible, keep up the fabulous work!

And good luck with the boy, I know what you mean about not wanting to jump into things AND what you mean about not wanting to see someone when you feel so fat, I used to run around town and avoid my past haunts for fear of seeing someone I knew when I was so much thinner.

We can BOTH get back to a great place where that is no longer a concern!

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ARCHIMEDESII 9/21/2012 1:51PM

    Congratulations on losing 50 pounds !! Totally emoticon !!


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LRSILVER 9/21/2012 1:49PM

    I am so happy for you 50 pounds down. That is amazing. I am so happy to hear there is a boy. He clearly likes you for yourself, and I am glad that you are more confident now and able to spend time with him.

So proud that you are on my BLC team. Keep it up you are amazing.

((Hugs))

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JECKIE 9/21/2012 1:44PM

    You have SO much to be proud of! I'm certainly proud of you!

and 40 pounds in 6 months? OUT OF THIS WORLD! Seriously, you may not see it as super fast, but some of us do. Keep up the amazing efforts. I haven't known you long and I already know you're an awesome chick! :)

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EMMAEKAY 9/21/2012 11:48AM

    You are doing SO well! And the greatest thing is that you're in TOTAL control of every emotion this time. You know exactly what you want and how to get there! I'm so proud of you, and I hope you are just BEAMING today.

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PRINCESSAMY 9/21/2012 11:38AM

    emoticon emoticon

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LYNNIERN 9/21/2012 9:33AM

    Excellent, excellent blog. Can't wait to hear about you hitting that 50 lb goal. emoticon emoticon

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KK10TM 9/21/2012 8:59AM

    Thank you for sharing this. I'm excited for you. I'm 11 pounds away from 50 pounds lost. We can do this! :))

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ZELDABEE 9/21/2012 8:00AM

    Im reading this at te doctors office but I couldn't wait to comment til I get home so here hoping that my phone will post this...I am so unbelievably proud of you! Your doing so great and I absolutely know that you will reach your goals even though I dont think you could make me any prouder. As for the boy, new relationships whether you've know the person a long time or not are confusing, when David and i first started dating i wished that i was a mind reader so i could know what he was thinking.. Sometimes i still feel that way lol i totally get why you don't want to be lectured, we've heard it all before haven't we? Im like high school excited for you though, ya know ... That hold hands, jump up and down while squealling like on an episode of blossom kind of excited.. Haha what ever happens im so happy your happy.

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PUNKY100 9/21/2012 6:26AM

    Oh gosh I can't wait until Wednesday so that you can see that 50 on the scale officially!!! So many NSVs!!! :-D You are doing so awesome this time, I have no doubt that you will reach that goal weight, one pound at a time.

You do realize too that when that scale says 50 next week, we will require new pics. Just saying lol

After my drama with boy blogs, I know why you don't want to say too much too early. I wasn't really embarrassed to post my heart broken blog, I was really just more sad than anything else. I'm SO hoping this is different, and it sounds like he really likes you!!! I don't know how you even fit the time in last week to see him if you're working opposite 12 hour schedules...that's crazy!

I'm so proud of you and so excited, both about the weight loss and about the boy hehe. I can't wait to hear good things about both! :-D

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IMSOOZEEQ 9/21/2012 6:04AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon I SAID... emoticon emoticon on the 50 pounds GONE!!! You did it and the rest will be gone soon too!

"self esteem and self confidence has to come from within you, and it has nothing to do with weight" or "if you don't love yourself, how can anyone else love you." This is a test...it is only a test! l just wanted to see if you were going to delete my comment! lol You KNOW I wouldn't tell you this crap. You are doing so well and learning what is important and I think your self-esteem is getting higher.

emoticon on sticking with it for 6 months. That is dedication! That is perseverance!

emoticon for looking into the future and thinking ahead to what you are going to do to maintain your weight loss. That tells me that you will not only get there but that you will maintain it!

emoticon emoticon on being able to wear the ring! That is great. I am working on being able to wear my wedding ring again!

& I don't think I need to say it because we have been talking about it...I am so glad that you are living your life! LIVE IT girl!

emoticon to me for finally writing a long comment on one of your blogs! lol

Much love

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KAESEA78 9/21/2012 6:01AM

    Steph- Are rings your fave piece of jewelry too? They are mine!!! Actually the only kind I wear. I don't even wear a watch. No necklaces, bracelets, earrings...just rings!

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BETHIEBOOPS 9/21/2012 5:35AM

    GAH! EEEEEE!!! *jumps up and down with glee*

I feel like this post needs a list:

1. I AM SOOOO EXCITED FOR YOUR 50 LBS DOWN CELEBRATION! The caps are totally necessary because OHMYGOSH YOU DID IT! You went where you haven't been before and you are STILL GOING BOLDLY!

2. I am SOOOO excited about boy stories! and I am so hoping that your heart remains in tact and that there is no follow up broken heart blog. But I feel very blessed to be able to follow your journey through ups and downs. And this is definately an UP!

3. I know sometimes I am hard on you about self esteem, and I am sorry. I just adore you SO much and can see SO much potential in you that I wish that I can swap vision goggles with you so you can see it too. Never ever ever have I ever had ill intentions or wanted you to feel bad about it. I am sorry if I ever have made you feel icky about it.

BUT I am so proud of the fact that you can see what a GREAT person you are, no matter your size. And I am so so so glad you bit the bullet and went and saw the boy. It must have been awesome to be reunited with an old friend! I am sooo glad for you! The difference is where we are going - not in what we were- right?

4. I am so proud of you for all the internal work you are doing- I feel so much less alone - because this has been the hardest part of this whole journey by far! Damn self-esteem and all the lies we tell ourselves!

5. Yay "new" rings! Rings are my favourite pieces of jewellery!

I am just so glad we are connected because your story is just AWESOME! Goal weight here you come!!!

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KAESEA78 9/21/2012 5:03AM

    I totally relate to the self worth issues and I am glad to hear that you are working thru them. I am proud of you and 40 and/or 50 pounds in 6 months is awesome!!! I think you are pretty groovy!! Hopefully things work out the way you would like, you def deserve it!! Keep us posted

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GHOSTFLAMES 9/21/2012 4:50AM

    YOU ARE DOING GREAT KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. ONE DAY AT A TIME WE WILL DO THIS. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon WE AQRE ALL HERE FOR YOU FI YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL JUST ASK,KEEP TRACKING YOUR FOOD AND FITNESS DAILY TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE.

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