Thursday, September 20, 2012
Today marks the beginning of the downhill slide to the end of my treatments. I have completed seven and have five more to go. Today my nurse delivered news from my uro, because the treatments aren't working and the pain, etc. are only ramping up as time goes on, he feels that the severity of my condition has moved beyond his ability to treat. He gave me the option to stop the treatments now, but I chose to complete them for the sake of insurance. After the end of the six weeks (I only have two and a half left to go), if there is still no change then he is going to refer me to a specialist (also uro, even more specialized than him). Embarrassingly, this news brought me to tears, because I knew it was coming, but this makes it real. The specialist is about four hours away from where I live now, in a larger city, larger hospital, and he is specialized in treating the most severe bladder problems. Unless what are called the "end stage" treatments work, then I am headed for a bladder removal. Like I said, this is stuff that I knew, stuff that was already in my mind, but today made it real, which is in its own way, terrifying.
On a lighter note, this news only deepens my resolve to lose this weight. I am not sure that I have the full 80 days anymore, but my goal remains. I want to lose that 10 percent before I see this next specialist. Of course the changes in my taste buds, nausea, and diarrhea that are accompanying my current meds and treatments are making it a little easier to resist tempting foods or the urge to binge. Just trying to look on the bright side, hold onto the little things, and keep moving.