30,000-39,999 SparkPoints 35,516

A Work In Progress

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Why do I get so angry at myself? Why do I feel like what I do is never enough? Why do I feel like all that I accomplish is simply not enough? Why do I let what others do affect me? Why do I even care? When am I going to give myself a break? When am I going to stop disliking myself? What is going to take to make me truly happy?

These questions, along with some others are what I’m beginning to grapple with. It’s time to continue to deal with my issues and tackle them head on. I can no longer just accept that my self-hatred is part of me and something I will never be able to let go.

WHEN. WHY. WHEN. WHY. It never ends.

I am so tired of it all. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of belittling my accomplishments. I repeat, I AM SO TIRED of it all. My main mission right now is to find out why I feel the way I do and I have no doubt it stemmed from my inability to truly make my Dad proud of me. I know this might seem like a cop out, but I honestly can’t figure out what else it could be. Sometimes I feel like I never truly made him happy, never truly made him proud. Maybe I feel like had I worked just a little bit harder or have been born a little smarter, he wouldn't have had to hit me because I didn't get my math problem correct. Despite being involved with everything at school, I don’t ever think it was enough. As an overweight child, I was often teased a lot and never truly received positive attention from men as I grew older. I always figured if I was skinnier, then maybe I'd get the men that I wanted and the attention that I craved so bad. I was never enough, what I did was never enough. I’m not even sure why I’m sharing this, but I think it might help me. This is in no way me saying that my current state of mind is completely my Dad’s fault. Not at all. This blog is just a tool to help me get my feelings and thoughts out. I want to be held accountable for my actions, I want to move on from this and I want to a happy person. I don’t want to cry for an hour like I did last night, hating myself. It’s time to make things right and it’s time to love myself.

Now, if I only knew where to start. How do you change 25 years of self hatred?

My name is MissB8604, and I am a work in progress.

Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    When you find the answer, let us all know. Everyone is bogged down with baggage. I think that our baggage is our "real" weight that we need to lose!
    2008 days ago
    "You created my inmost being; you knit
    me together in my mother’s womb. I
    praise you because I am fearfully and
    wonderfully made."
    Psalm 139:13-14

    If you really hate yourself, then you need to forgive yourself.

    We are all a work in progress. As long as your improving yourself that is all anybody can ask for, even you. emoticon
    2008 days ago
    Identifying what is wrong is the first step to correct it. Self-hatred is exactly what it says, a matter of self. You are the only one who can fix it and I'm sure you have the power and the strong will to do so. emoticon

    We are all unique. I consider myself smart but I can't draw a straight line or sing without having everybody complain about it. We have our strengths and weaknesses but we must embrace the good with the bad.

    The way you present yourself is the way the others will see you. Be happy for who you are, what you have done, where have you been and how you managed to live your life. You deserve the best! emoticon
    2008 days ago
    Im so sorry ur hurting baby emoticon I wish I could take it all away. Unfortunately, all I can do is be someone who listens and challenges ur beliefs when they sound irrational. I love you with all my heart and KNOW u will beat this! emoticon Im not sayin its gonna be easy, but I AM saying u WONT be alone.
    I love you, baby....
    2008 days ago
  • SPARKLE1908
    I, too, agree with the previous posters...you are still working through your issues and all types of emotions will surface in the process but once you start focusing on all the wonderful and positive things that you have done and will do, you will start seeing yourself through your own eyes...not anyone elses!!! emoticon
    2009 days ago
    I'm not sure if I can say anything better than what has already been said by the others. You have to remember that you've always worked hard & done your personal best. Sometimes, others are never going to be happy even when they get out of you what you were suppose to do bc they just need an outlet for their own personal issues & that tends to become bullying. What you have to remember is that you're doing your best! That's all YOU can ask of YOURSELF!! Just keep asking yourself...."Am I doing this for me?" "How will this affect me?" Because YOU is what you're concentrating on & "fixing".
    2009 days ago
    emoticon Miss B
    Your father's behavior is his own personality flaw...you were its unfortunate victim. That is the past. Don't waste your time playing games with your head trying to change the PAST...it can't be done. And if someone becomes toxic to you and refuses to change their behavior ... then a little distance is good.

    As for Why do I get so angry at myself? stop playing those negative tapes in your head. Those voices that told you, YOU weren't good enough were lying.
    Why do I feel like what I do is never enough? That feeling can be a good/bad thing. Bad if you think you aren't capable....But a good feeling if you realize YOU DO HAVE so much potential...and are capable of doing SO MUCH MORE....that IS your destiny.
    Why do I feel like all that I accomplish is simply not enough? Wait....let me get this straight...you're in your 20's and you think you haven't accomplished enough? get real...that's what the rest of your life is for...balance is everything.
    Why do I let what others do affect me? because you are a human being with feelings...next question.
    Why do I even care? ditto. because you have a heart...next question
    When am I going to give myself a break? when you wake up and smell the coffee
    When am I going to stop disliking myself? when you finally realize what a terrific person you are.
    What is going to take to make me truly happy? living to the fullest, loving and being loved in return, and finding peace with yourself
    2009 days ago
    Girl be glad you're understanding the part this is all playing in your life at this age and not later in life. You are on the right track and you are going to be just fine. I really believe that. Not just saying it. The fact that you're even willing to dig deep says so much about you. Most ppl won't do that and that's what keeps them where they are. You are already finding yourself worthy and loving yourself by looking at these things and being honest and authentic. :)
    2009 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    You confronted dad, now you need to confront MissBB... tell her why she is worth as much time and effort as dance, music, arts... tell her that if she was your daughter, you would wrap your arms around her and love her unconditionally..
    2009 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.