Thursday, September 20, 2012
Why do I get so angry at myself? Why do I feel like what I do is never enough? Why do I feel like all that I accomplish is simply not enough? Why do I let what others do affect me? Why do I even care? When am I going to give myself a break? When am I going to stop disliking myself? What is going to take to make me truly happy?
These questions, along with some others are what Iím beginning to grapple with. Itís time to continue to deal with my issues and tackle them head on. I can no longer just accept that my self-hatred is part of me and something I will never be able to let go.
WHEN. WHY. WHEN. WHY. It never ends.
I am so tired of it all. Iím tired of struggling. Iím tired of belittling my accomplishments. I repeat, I AM SO TIRED of it all. My main mission right now is to find out why I feel the way I do and I have no doubt it stemmed from my inability to truly make my Dad proud of me. I know this might seem like a cop out, but I honestly canít figure out what else it could be. Sometimes I feel like I never truly made him happy, never truly made him proud. Maybe I feel like had I worked just a little bit harder or have been born a little smarter, he wouldn't have had to hit me because I didn't get my math problem correct. Despite being involved with everything at school, I donít ever think it was enough. As an overweight child, I was often teased a lot and never truly received positive attention from men as I grew older. I always figured if I was skinnier, then maybe I'd get the men that I wanted and the attention that I craved so bad. I was never enough, what I did was never enough. Iím not even sure why Iím sharing this, but I think it might help me. This is in no way me saying that my current state of mind is completely my Dadís fault. Not at all. This blog is just a tool to help me get my feelings and thoughts out. I want to be held accountable for my actions, I want to move on from this and I want to a happy person. I donít want to cry for an hour like I did last night, hating myself. Itís time to make things right and itís time to love myself.
Now, if I only knew where to start. How do you change 25 years of self hatred?
My name is MissB8604, and I am a work in progress.