It's been a long time since I came on here. I'm not doing so hot. I feel like a whale and I'm afraid to weigh myself. I'm nursing a glass of wine right now with a thousand and one thoughts bouncing through my head when I should be in bed. I've been trying to find motivation, some kind of positive motivation to do better for myself. I think I'm starting to realize how badly my confidence has been shaken and I'm at the point where I'm willing to use and abuse, get what I need by any means necessary. Anger. Pain. Despair. Jealousy. These are all emotions I have in abundance right now. I seem to be fresh out of a positive outlook, pure intentions, or love for myself. Everyone says this only works if you're doing it because you want something better for you. How about if that doesn't move me in the slightest? Where do I sign up to magically believe like I deserve amazing things? I don't know how wrong it is to "fake it til I make it" and use all of these ugly and hateful things burning in my chest to drive me but it's what I have and it's time to make some *ucking lemonade.