This past weekend was supposed to be one of fun times and going to a Greek Festival with some yummy food. Instead, it seems that all I did was cry. My eyes are so swollen, even my co-worker commented on it.
It appears that I have trust issues. My bf decided to try to keep something from me and I found out. I've been fighting with him all weekend. It all came to a head yesterday afternoon when I asked for something so small but that would mean so much to me. I asked for honesty and some common respect, and I feel like I got slapped in the face for standing up for myself. I felt that if I didn't say it, that we'd just keep going around in circles and I would end up getting bitter about it. Better to get it out in the open. Unfortunately, that was the wrong choice, and he tried to break up with me.
I have been a single mom for over 7 years now. I've always relied on me and only me. When I moved in with my bf, I decided to try to trust him more than anyone I've ever been with. I wanted this relationship to be "the one." I moved to the overnight shift at my job so that I could be there for my kids more during the day. Unfortunately, that meant that someone would have to stay with the kiddos overnight and make sure that they get off in the mornings. When he said he'd be there for me, I trusted him. I believed what he told me- for once in my life I was relying on someone else to help me. It all came crashing down last night. He admitted he messed up but told me I shouldn't have been snooping. I told him I shouldn't HAVE to be snooping because he shouldn't be doing what he was doing. I feel like an idiot for trusting that he'd always be there for me. My world feels like it's falling into little tiny pieces, and no matter how I try I can't quite pick up the pieces of this one. I feel so alone- completely, miserably alone.
We're still trying to make this work, but it's gotten so hard in such a short amount of time. How can I trust again unless he's completely honest with me?? And now I have to beg my boss to go back to a shift that I detest where there's so much drama. My dreams of going to nursing school are slipping through the cracks so fast and I can't figure out which end is up right now. I feel like I have no one to rely on again, and it hurts.
So, for now, here's the list I need to work on, just in case this doesn't work.
1) Get back to a day shift position. If I can't, I need to find a new job.
2) Figure out how I can get my daughter to her hip-hop class at 4 on Mondays ( I'd get off at that time)
3) Figure out who I can ask for for help on the weekends that I work and my ex doesn't have my kids. This will probably be at least one weekend a month that I need help.
4) Figure out a budget that I can try to squeeze a little more free cash out of to save for school (need to start somewhere). Maybe, if I get admitted to the university nursing school, I can downsize all my furniture and move into a smaller, cheaper place for the 2 years of school. It'll be worth it in the end, right?
5) Figure out a backup for when I'm required to stay after work for those people that call in sick. It'd be till 8, and my kids can't be alone for that long yet.
6) How to keep taking care of myself with my weight-loss goals. Right now, I'm so stressed out that I can't even think about eating anything, but soon my emotional bingeing is going to kick in, and I really don't want to do that again.
I'm not sure if this is really supposed to be on sparkpeople, but I needed a place to put this all down. This may just be a big, huge bump in our relationship, but I hate not being prepared.
I'm kicking myself repeatedly right now for not having a back-up plan, but I really thought this relationship would be the last one for me- that I'd found my soul mate. Maybe there's light at the end of this tunnel, but right now I'm not so sure.