losing a bit of confidence
Monday, September 17, 2012
today i weighted myself, to my suprise i am down to 210. i always thought i would feel happy about the loss, but instead i felt as if its got to be a fluke. as if i will wake up tomorrow and i would have gone up again. maybe i will, i dont know, but it is sad that i cant enjoy the loss. my dad who is just trying to help, is quick on stating that i am only obese because i wanted to be, mostlikely he is right. i saw what was happening to me and my body, but it was as if i knew the problem was getting worse, but did not know how to stop it. doctors did not help, they all just suggested i eat less. even when i kept a food jornal that proved that i was not a human vacuum they still claimed that i must be lying. and now i have lost 5 pounds in1 week and still i cant get the joy because all i feel is the blame and the shame. i want to believe in myself, i want to gain my self worth and be healthy for my children, but i guess this road is just not going to be so easy as that. i suppose deep down, eventually, i knew that i was going to have to face the truth, before i reach my goal, my desired destination, i am just going to have to also face all the skeletons in my closet the helped me become as obese as i was and loss control of the woman i really am and the mother i was destined to be.