Monday, September 17, 2012
Maybe this entry is going to be really just for me. Or maybe it's so people know what's going on inside my head. Maybe I just need to get it all out.
Being depressed is not something that usually happens to me. Anxiety, sure. Me and anxiety are buds. This being depressed business is something new entirely.
And thing is, being this sad just makes me feel like more of a whiney-faced baby because comparatively, my problems are so small.
Here's what's going on.
I am now six and a half weeks into trying to heal from my inured butt/hip. Over the past week, I've been trying to up my activity a little. When I visited the physical therapist on Friday, she suggested going for a mile walk and then seeing how I felt. If it felt okay, I could think about either upping my distance or my pace.
So on Saturday, I did just that. My mile pace was outrageously slow but I felt okay, some twinges here and there. We went out with some friends Saturday night and the pain started to increase. We turned in early.
Sunday morning Awesome Husband and I had a Special Assembly of Jehovah's Witnesses. These only happen once a year and it's something I look forward to. My spirituality is more important than anything else and it's also the hardest to keep as strong as it needs to be. These special assemblies are always an incredible shot in the arm. But I woke up in terrible pain.
I took a shower, got ready, limped out the door. I wore flats. I didn't even put on makeup because it just felt like too much effort. We got inside, found some seats, and I just deflated. Some wonderful and loving family from my congregation saw I wasn't so good and came to sit with me and cheer me up. I am so incredibly grateful for that. Long story short, we ended up leaving at lunch. I was in so much pain that I really needed to take a percocet and that would have left me sleeping in my seat. We called it quits and plan to go back in two weeks. Leaving felt like the most incredible defeat. It felt like letting my heavenly Father down. I cried.
At this point, there is not a single element of my life that this pain does not affect. My spirituality, my work, my relationship with Awesome Husband.
Sure, I miss the gym. I miss squatting 150 and doing HIITs. But that's not what I'm talking about. I just want to be able to MOVE.
I want to walk down the road without having to pick up my crutches the next day and end up in bed on percocet watching Clueless.
I want to be able to put on my underwear without wincing.
I want to roll over in bed without waking up.
I want to run around in the yard with my dogs.
I just want to HEAL. It's been so long at this point, I feel like people don't believe me if I use my pain as a reason why I can't do something.
Maybe this doesn't do a good job of explaining things. Maybe it sounds more sadface than anything. But I am. I AM sad. I just want to get better.