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Sad Spiral

Monday, September 17, 2012

Maybe this entry is going to be really just for me. Or maybe it's so people know what's going on inside my head. Maybe I just need to get it all out.

Being depressed is not something that usually happens to me. Anxiety, sure. Me and anxiety are buds. This being depressed business is something new entirely.

And thing is, being this sad just makes me feel like more of a whiney-faced baby because comparatively, my problems are so small.

Here's what's going on.

I am now six and a half weeks into trying to heal from my inured butt/hip. Over the past week, I've been trying to up my activity a little. When I visited the physical therapist on Friday, she suggested going for a mile walk and then seeing how I felt. If it felt okay, I could think about either upping my distance or my pace.

So on Saturday, I did just that. My mile pace was outrageously slow but I felt okay, some twinges here and there. We went out with some friends Saturday night and the pain started to increase. We turned in early.

Sunday morning Awesome Husband and I had a Special Assembly of Jehovah's Witnesses. These only happen once a year and it's something I look forward to. My spirituality is more important than anything else and it's also the hardest to keep as strong as it needs to be. These special assemblies are always an incredible shot in the arm. But I woke up in terrible pain.

I took a shower, got ready, limped out the door. I wore flats. I didn't even put on makeup because it just felt like too much effort. We got inside, found some seats, and I just deflated. Some wonderful and loving family from my congregation saw I wasn't so good and came to sit with me and cheer me up. I am so incredibly grateful for that. Long story short, we ended up leaving at lunch. I was in so much pain that I really needed to take a percocet and that would have left me sleeping in my seat. We called it quits and plan to go back in two weeks. Leaving felt like the most incredible defeat. It felt like letting my heavenly Father down. I cried.

At this point, there is not a single element of my life that this pain does not affect. My spirituality, my work, my relationship with Awesome Husband.

Sure, I miss the gym. I miss squatting 150 and doing HIITs. But that's not what I'm talking about. I just want to be able to MOVE.

I want to walk down the road without having to pick up my crutches the next day and end up in bed on percocet watching Clueless.

I want to be able to put on my underwear without wincing.

I want to roll over in bed without waking up.

I want to run around in the yard with my dogs.

I just want to HEAL. It's been so long at this point, I feel like people don't believe me if I use my pain as a reason why I can't do something.

Maybe this doesn't do a good job of explaining things. Maybe it sounds more sadface than anything. But I am. I AM sad. I just want to get better.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Exercising restrictions are killer. Especially when you are itching to have even ONE good workout. When I was pregnant with my daughter my doctor put me on bed rest for the last 2.5 months. Up until then I was exercising. For the health of my daughter OF COURSE I'd stop working out. Then when I had her I ended with prolapse which further increased my weight time to exercise by a good six months. I was upset, dissappointed, angry. I just wanted to feel normal again! I wanted to be able to do a freakin' jumping jack or run a mile. I so feel your pain. I hope you are feeling better these days!
    1877 days ago
    Oh my... when is your next dr appt??? this just sounds like an abnormal level of pain to me, something's not right!

    2005 days ago
    Hugs to you my friend. I know this must be hard for you but just remember that your doing the right thing by allowing your body to heal. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope the healing keeps going in the right mode and maybe a little speedier.
    2011 days ago
    For what it is worth....I BELIEVE YOU!!!! As far as spirituality I think you are far ahead of many. You truly desired to be there, your heart was in it. This shows a lot about your spiritual health, just think of all the people that often go because the feel they have to, but would rather be somewhere else and just sit there the whole time mind wandering to those other things. Your heavenly Father knows where your heart and mind are dispite your body being uncooperative. emoticon
    2012 days ago
  • JENNY888
    Give your body time to heal and listen to what it is telling you. Don't worry about what others think. You body is more important. Find something that makes you feel good to concentrate on and before you know it you will be healed and less depressed.
    2012 days ago
    Don't feel bad, your body just needs to heal. emoticon
    2012 days ago
    Know that we're WITH YOU in your healing and beaming all our healing thoughts & prayers your way!!

    2012 days ago
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