Monday, September 17, 2012
Yesterday marked my 3 year Spark-aversary!
Here is my story......
I stumbled upon and joined Sparkpeople on September 16, 2009 at 230lbs. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and knew I needed to find a way to get back in control. I was so lonely and unhappy. It only lasted a month before I was detoured and back to my old ways. I guess I wasn't really ready to face the hard work that was ahead of me!?!?
A year later I was back! Things were uglier than ever. I found a way to get control of myself and fell in love with Sparkpeople! Within 6 months I lost 30 lbs. I reached 198 on April 6 2011 for the first time in 10 years. What an amazing feeling to see it on the scale!
Within a week or two of falling below 200 lbs I began to stray and lost control again! I gained back 20 lbs after another 6 months. October 2011 came and I was feeling the need to "try" again. I got serious and lost the same 20 lbs, over the next 6 months but by the end of the year (6 months later) I gained it all back.... AGAIN!
....6 months.... 6 months.......6 months..... I'm starting to see an obvious trend here! Not sure what it means or why!??
February of this year I tried again and lost and gained after another .......... 6 MONTHS!!! After going through the revolving door I began to really believe I was meant to be this way forever. 220-230 was my number. My weight. I am short and fat and that was just who I was.
After a visit from my gorgeous SIL from France, I began think....and think.... and think some more. "There MUST be a way". I can't live this way for ever. I can't sit on the sidelines. I CAN'T!!!! So I figured, all I can do at this point is keep trying. So in July of this year I RE-committed myself to "myself"! This time "I" am my main focus. I am not letting my parents and siblings dysfunctions and problems interfere with my own. I need to devote 100% effort to healing myself! If I come off as inconsiderate or rude to them (which I've been told) so be it. And I am doing just that and it is working.
I have lost the 20 lbs again and have been at it for another 2 1/2 months. I made it back to one-derland AGAIN for the 3RD TIME......... but it's not much of a celebration. I think I need to pass the 190's for once and for all before any celebrations are in order! I am determined but also embarrassed to have to go through this AGAIN. I can only imagine the roller coaster my husband and kids and friends have been on, seeing me go through all these ups and downs. I don't say much to them about it and neither do they. We all just silently hope....maybe this time! I have learned SO much through this journey though. Valuable lessons only learned through this type of battle. Learning how to truly love myself and my life. To know how to work on and fix my brokeness from the inside out. I love the feeling of hope. Seeing the changes on the scale and through my clothes gives me hope. That I CAN do this. I spent 3 hours last week reading a whole bunch of success stories. Stories about people who overcame so much more than I have to. So many people that were in the same position I am, and were able to overcome the doubt and stress and hard work. It's hard. Really Really hard. But it HAS to be done! I am DONE.
Through the BLC20 and my Courageous Cougars team and the people I have met here I am totally 100% committed! I will one day be a success story on Sparkpeople.com and will help someone else do the same.
Thanks for listening..... I truly LOVE my sparkfriends with all my heart!