My experiment - and fear
Monday, September 17, 2012
These experiment blogs are becoming a journal for me, forcing me to stop and look. The first thing yesterday I ate a larger breakfast (oatmeal,banana, cinnamon almonds)trying to up my calorie intake. Everything was healthy but I felt stuffed and uncomfortable. Note to self: stick with the normal size meals and maybe add more meals or higher calorie snacks. Didn't get to lunch till late so with starving dh stopped at subway. I really forced myself to finish my sub - halfway thru I was done but somehow I thought it was only around 300 calories so trying to stop eating so little I pushed myself to finish. I was miserable. I didn't enjoy it and I was so tired all I wanted to do was sleep. Wondering what is going on, I tracked and found the sub was close to 500 calories and my carbs for the day are way up with protein barely there. I saw that 500 calorie figure and felt sick to my overfilled stomach. Now I know I need to up my calories, yet there is such a fear of losing all the ground I've covered (and besides I could have had pizza), that I am being irrational. Not being able to be active due to injury already gives me concern. Now I'm suppose to up my calories also?! Knowing it has to be the carbs with so little protein that I am feeling sleepy, I forced myself to eat dinner later for the protein. I also gave myself a talk that I will not somehow wake up 20+ heavier! As irrational as this fear is, I really did have to tell myself that. I also had to have a little talk with this new girl on the block who wants to take over and just do things her way no matter what is rational, sensible, or proven by people much smarter than us. I told her how it is going to go - I am learning about this body of mine. It will take time and experimentation. It will be trial and error - gasp, error! Yes, error - and that is how I will learn what works. I now know my body wants smaller meals, but I will up the frequency of eating (another gasp - more calories still?). Yes, I will not starve my body. I also will not force it to exercise when it is trying to heal and I have been told repeatedly that it must heal first. So she can be quiet or even better yet, she can leave (I really don't think she'll get on that dirtbike with me anyways - she is much too fearful to let go and have fun!).