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If Struggle makes you Stronger, then why am I so Fragile?

Sunday, September 16, 2012

I lost 11 pounds in one week! I should have been dancing on the roof, I should have been prouder then a peacock. And I was, for most of the day. In my happiness frenzy I decided to burn some more calories by fall cleaning my apartment. I was in my tattered shorts, my hair messily pulled back and my T-shirt soaked with dishwater; when my roommate rushed by getting ready for Saturday night with her friends. Let me just say, my roommate is very nice, sweet, and kind hearted; she would never do anything to purposefully hurt me or hinder my weight lose efforts. And I would never grudge her, her good genes, good looks, or success. However, I just wish I could have a cup of that easy beauty. She rushed in and pulled on a pair of jeans, a simple white top, left her golden blond hair down, and headed out without a drop of makeup. She looked positively gorgeous; like she’d escaped the glossy pages of a fashion magazine. I instantly shattered and deflated into a mess. I always tell myself that I’m stronger because of the struggle, that I appreciate what I have more then those that have it so easy. But if that’s true then how can I be so easily destroyed? I lost 11 pounds in a single week! My goal is to lose 5 pounds in a month. But there I was feeling utterly grotesque. I felt, massive, fat, shlumpy, sloppy, hideous. Suddenly, I wasn’t thinking about the success of losing 11 pounds, I was focused on the other 70 that seemed to loom over me like Mt. Everest. I felt so much farther from my goal. I shuffled along, finishing cleaning and made myself a healthy dinner while trying to re-build my resolution and reminding myself that 11 pounds is really good; really, really good. By this morning I had managed to pull myself back together, more or less. But I can’t help but worry that I will find myself deflated again by some simple act.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh I can so relate to that. I even sometime disgust myself but that feeling is fleeting fortunately.

    11lbs is amazing - well done you. That's something to be very very very proud off.

    1985 days ago
    It sounds like now that you are no longer turning to food to cope, soothe you or numb your feelings, some real insecurities may be coming out. It's ok!!! That means for maybe the first time ever you are working through these things. I struggle with my own emotions on this journey. I have good and bad days. You are going to have so many days where you feel crappy. Just know that what u r doing for yourself is amazing. And you never know how your roommate feels inside. There are probably things about you she envies. Everyone, fat or skinny, has problems.

    I saw your pics and you are beautiful. You have lovely hair and great skin. You also have a very exotic look to you. I say this not to sound like a weirdo but so you will see just because you don't look like her doesn't mean you are not attractive in your own way. Just hold on tight when the storms come and they will pass.

    Good luck and don't give up.
    1985 days ago
    You cannot judge your success by others.You have accomplished something that is important to you. Celebrate that. Celebrate anything you do towards getting yourself healthy and motivated to continue. She is obviously in good shape,how do you think she feels about how she looks? I bet you think she feels great,so get that feeling as you accomplish your goals.
    Don't sabatoge what you have done.It is quite an accomplishment.You said your roomate would never do anything to hurt you or hinder you, emoticon doing it to yourself. Keep Sparkin'
    1985 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/17/2012 1:44:53 AM
  • DIANE7786
    emoticon I love the Eleanor Roosevelt quote, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." Attitude is everything. Everyone has something they would like change about themselves, even your pretty roommate. Your weight issue will eventually be a non issue. Make a list of all your good qualities to read if you're feeling down. Now celebrate that 11 lbs! I wish you continued success toward your weight goals.
    1986 days ago
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