Sunday, September 16, 2012
I realized today that I had given away my power over my weight gain and my ability or inability to lose. I wonder how many other have done the same thing? There are always outside or even inside factors beyond our control that we can blame for our weight. It is easy to put all the blame on meds, side effects, health problems, reactions to stress, etc. When I put all the responsibilty for my gains and losses on this other stuff I'm giving away all my power as far as my weight goes. If I take no responsibility and can't see my own power how can I lose?
My original weight gain was fast 80 lbs in 6-7 months. I was so drugged up by the drs I had no ideas what was going on and I could barely move. This was especially bad since all these meds were based on a misdiagnosis. No one listened when I said I was in a car accident and hit my head. At least, they thought it just caused me to become bipolar ... They totally discounted the fact I had to relearn how to read. Not admitted to the hospital - no head injury. I lost 40 lbs of that with Sparkpeople's help and was doing well maintaining a healthy weight for the first time in my life.
Then I got a new shrink. Always a bad thing... Well not always but close enough when you have a good one and are force to find a new one 9 times out of 10 you will not have a good experience. This experience was bad enough that when I had a severe enough reaction to make me borderline suicidal I told my therapist I would rather risk dying than be forced to be in the same room as him again. He took me off 4 meds one of which was a mood stabilizer but also treated my periferal neuropathy. He put me on a drug with severe side effects and kept increasing the dose despite the fact I was having the side effects (Suicidal ideation was one of them) weight gain was another then when I became a danger to myself his boss forced him to take me off that drug and put me back on the drugs I had been on. Unfortunately, I was no longer use to them and so they further lower my metabolism. I was also overeating as a result of stress while dealing with him because I felt a need to crunch things. He is no longer my dr. My new one is great and he is actually looking into how much of my psych stuff is actual psych stuff and how much is brain injury.
In the past I refused to let my health prevent me from doing things. I used to run 1-5 miles a day despite being asthmatic. It has slowly changed as more of my body has been injured or developed a disease. I've injured my neck, 3 spots in my back, have fibromyalgia, have damaged the rotator cuff to both shoulders, chronic bursitis in 1 hip, have loose joint capsules in both knees which causes me to pinch the backs of my knee caps when bending and straightening my knees, have vertigo, and probably a bunch more stuff.
The thing is ... All those things are always going to be a part of my history or my life but I need to take back my power from them if I want to get healthy and lose weight. I can lose weight and get healthy but not as long as I am giving all these things I can't control all my power.