Saturday, September 15, 2012
Well. First I want to say thank you all for the birthday wishes.
Second I have to say I was just laying in bed (which I'm still doing) in a trailer outside my in laws thinking about how I went from leading an incredibly unhealthy lifestyle to changing everything and going balls to the wall crazy with life changes. Then back to my original situation. So much has happened and changed in the last few years I have lost track of who I am and what I should be doing with my life.
I started my journey with the loss of my Mom. It pushed me to better myself and to try and break the cycle. Dying from suffering due to weight related illnesses does terrify me. I struggled with whether or not it did for a while, but it was just the cloud over my head casting shadows. That appeared when I lost my Dad in March 2011. Since then I sank into a depression so deep I semi made up my own world. Everything around me suffered because of this. My marriage, my family, my home and myself. I flew off the handle. I did things I regret and can't take back. Now I have to live with my mistakes for the rest of my life. I'm terrified of that being a short amount of time.
I had changed my entire outlook on life to try and surround myself with positive, but I lost my way. I had strep throat 2 weeks ago and the joint pain from the fever was in my shoulder blades. I honesty thought I Was going to have a heart attack at 28 and die. I started crying in front of my husband and thoughts of making sure I was properly dressed at 4am crossed my mind incase I suffered a massive heart attack in my sleep. It seems like a silly thing to think
Of, but I didn't want to embarrass myself or my husband by my size even after death. After I found out I was just sick I knew how ridiculous it was and how I shouldn't be afraid of such traumatic things at my age! No 28 year old should be worried about dying like that!
I have been just beneath the surface of myself for so long that I can't stand to not break through for another day. I can't take another day. I lost Control of myself again somewhere along the line. I'm never honest with myself and they say on everything that you only hurt yourself. Well that's not true. It does hurt others in the things you can't do with them. In the things I can't do with my children. With my husband. For myself.
I've always set realistic unrealistic goals for myself. Things that I can do and then just don't. It was easier and more enjoyable not to do anything because I couldn't see the big picture from so far away. I wanted to lose 30lbs by September 22nd. I set that goal back in march. It was an easy to reach goal and I gave up after day one every time. My dieting history has been a series of day one failures. How can I tell my children that their goals in life are achievable if I'm not willing to try to achieve my own. If all I ever do is give up.
I said September 22nd because that is the day (next week) that my baby brother is getting married. I'm a bridesmaid. I had to order the largest size dress and have the bottom let out. Its embarrassing, but I'm so confused at the same time. Everything tells us that we should be thin for our health. Then everything else says we should be proud of our bodies no matter what size and shape we are. I'm embarrassed about my size, but I'm supposed to be confident about my curves? I struggle with body image. I Want to be healthy, but I really Want to be sexy. I literally have 5000 pictures on my phone. Because I take that many just to make myself feel better. I look AMAZING from particular angles and no one would ever think I was more than 180lbs tops when in reality I'm 180 more. Why do I have to fool myself and others into thinking I'm something I'm not, but should be? My self esteem is so Low that even though I myself am married, I seek the compliments of other men. This makes me feel like dirt even though my hubby understands it. That is hard for me to admit, but there that is.
My little brother started this journey with me back in 2010. He looks amazing today and I am so darn proud of him. He went from living in my parents basement and gaming all night to working, losing a ton of weight and meeting an amazing girl that I am proud to have as a sister in law this next Saturday. It makes me wonder where I went wrong with my own path. And I know where and how.
The contest I was in was so taxing and hard for me to be part of. Having someone accuse you of lying in your food journal because you didn't lose more weight and then making you run stairs as punishment was emotionally devestating. They do wonderful things for people at that gym, bug for myself doing it through their contest was maybe too much. Although it was rewarding because of The experience and knowledge I gained. I'm grateful for that. Anyways, after the contest I took a break. Then I joined WW. It got cold out and I quit. I started putting some weight on and asked my former trainer to help. She obliged an I didn't call again after the work out. I stayed indoors and barely did a thing. Occasionally I'd play a wii game or go to the Y. By summer id gained 20 of the 70lbs I lost back. So I got EA active 2. I worked my butt off but only lost 6lbs. That discouraged me. So I stopped. I tried just dance 2 for a while and then went to Leslie neilson's WATP DVDs and at home beginners yoga.
This is when my physical problems started. I don't know what or how. I broke my hip when I was 10. (previous blog) I had the joint repaired, but it grew deformed. For some reason during these DVDs my hip would start to ache. After half a year of intensive training. I stopped doing the DVDs and just tried to take it easy, but the pain kept getting worse and worse. It was awful. My hip would dislocate and cause intense pain and I was scared it was breaking again. I had X-rays done.
I'm just fat.
My weight finally started causing my hip to pop out of socket. It sounds like if you were to smack two pool balls together under water. Now my right hip is popping. Its been a year since that started happening and I'm used to it mostly. Some weeks are far more uncomfortable. Even now, moving in bed my hips both just popped. I've gained all but 20lbs back. I've spent the last year gaming, sleeping, suffering from depression and insomnia. Insomnia because I lay awake at night knowing exactly what I need to do to change my life and lacking the push to do it. I go to bed thinking tomorrow will be the day I change because I want it so badly... And then i sleep forever and wake up and say tomorrow. I go all day knowing what I should be doing and keep doing what I know is holding me back.
Life is a privilege. You only get one and it's yours to care for. I was trusted with the job to care for this one life and I am letting my "disability" drain every bit away from me. I say disability because it's my inability to make healthy choices for myself. My husband enables me. It's too convenient to order something loaded with fat, calories, sugar and sodium than to take the time to cook.
I feel like the lyrics "angel on my shoulder, but the devils on my mind". I know the right thing and enjoy the wrong things so much I ignore the right things.
So. I know so much and can't put it into action, laying here awake wondering why I'm
Not changing and I keep getting inbox alerts from Sparkpeople. So many comments on my spark page. I decided to check it out.
"Happy Birthday, Kittany!!"
So the third thing. It's not my Birthday. It was August 14th not September, but it made me realize once again that I really need the support of other people in order to succeed. I need somewhere to vent where people understand. I need a friend. I need someone to help me until my habits are broken and new ones are formed. I need to change my life again and the only way to do it is to have support right now. Seeing all the messages showed me that I have an Internet family waiting for me to get to know them and tell them about my struggles and successes. Today isnt my Birthday. It's my re-birthday. Because if I don't change now I may wait until its too late. Happy Un-Birthday.. No Re-Birthday to me. Facing my inner struggles is the only way for me to power through these walls I've put up. It's not fair for me to put the entire weight of my journey on everyone else, but if anyone is willing to be there for me, to help guide me, I'm here and I am willing.