Friday, September 14, 2012
There's another community that I'm much more active with than I am this community. I've been blogging there about getting a handle on compulsive overeating, and I keep getting suggestions to go paleo or GAPS or .....
People! The problem isn't the food that I'm eating! The problem is that I want to stuff myself silly with it. It could be roast boar or apples or cheese or raw nuts; it could be anything.
I had an epiphany a few nights ago as I got ready for bed. I had been in uncontrollable binge mode all day, and I was stuffed and miserable and numb. I pondered for the millioneth time why I had done it to myself, and I realized the next day that feeling stuffed and miserable and numb was the point. I'm addicted to that feeling. It takes me away from the other problems in my life, like what I'm going to do about the adult son living here who is a nice guy and treats me and his father well, but he's a mooch. He's got a good standard of living because his dad and I work such long, hard hours. What am I going to do about hating my job and being so bored I can't stand it?
Eat. Just eat. Eat and eat and eat and eat and eat until I'm too stuffed and miserable and numb to do anything else. You want me to go paleo? I'll stuff myself silly on paleo. Want me to go vegan? Believe me, I can stuff myself stupid on vegan food, too.
There's no easy solution. When I quit smoking, I couldn't just switch to a different cigarette. I'd still be a smoker. I had to do the work of finding some other way to navigate through all the times I would have paused to have a smoke. I ignored those impulses and turned my attention to something else.
Which is what I have to do now. I can have meals. I need meals. What I don't need to do is eat between meals.
And the only way to keep myself accountable to my goals is to log every string bean, every slice of bread, every ounce of roast lamb, EVERYTHING that I put into my mouth. I've traveled this road before, and this is what it takes. This is the only way I've ever been successful.
Oh - and I haven't forgotten exercise. That's a subject for a different day.