Friday, September 14, 2012
Ever want to just eat and eat and eat, ad nauseum, when you weren't physically hungry? Yup, me too! It probably started when my weight issues arose, about 9 or 10 years of age.
And here I am, approaching 61 (in early December), and I am just starting to learn more about myself. While I don't have (all) the answers yet, I AM learning!
Stuffing my face over emotions has never worked. Yet I continued to do it, for year after year, decade after decade. My weight would go down (as I controlled my food, if "control" is really the right word -- I doubt I have ever really had control, to be honest), and then my weight would fly back up again when I could no longer keep to the plan I had chosen that time. My feelings were just to powerful -- and painful.
The odd thing, if ODD is the right word, I wouldn't and couldn't look at those feelings. There were so many of them, and so much pain accompanying it all, that food seemed the better option at times. Certainly better than hurting, ya know? Yes, the weight was painful, not just emotionally but physically as well, but food was my only way to comfort myself -- or so I thought.
I came to Spark a few years ago, and found support in ways I never thought possible. Online? Virtual caring? Hmm, could that be?
YOU BET! I've made some real friends here! Okay, I've only met a very few face-to-face, but we can all (even "just" online friends) share our innermost thoughts and feelings, without judgement. Ideas and suggestions are offered. A hug, even virtual, is soothing. I had no idea it could be!
And blogging -- here's another terrific tool! When my mum was dying (2 yrs ago today actually -GOD, I miss her!), I poured out my heart and soul in numerous blogs, just to get out the pain, suffering and devastation. And I stayed on my plan, thanks to everyone's love and support. But I abandoned it, feeling silly, not long after, and began to eat again, and avoiding Spark in embarrassment.
What I couldn't really face was ME.. it wasn't Spark! No one here has ever judged me, sent an unkind word, or been less than helpful. It was me all along, unable to face my feelings and what was going on inside me: the Mouth hunger was getting to me, not Stomach hunger at all.
I came back, thank God, to all the wonderful people here on Spark. I came back, warmly welcomed into your loving, open arms. THANK YOU!
And through more blogging, I had a breakthrough just this week. I am seeing what some of my Mouth hunger is about: not taking time for me in a way that satisfies my interests.
I love our business, but spend most of my time (too much, in fact) involved with it. It's fun, yes -- but what about my other interests? For so many years, I have pushed them aside, choosing to please others. Do what mom wants, what first hubby wants, what friends want, then the kids, 2nd hubby, and so on.
Debra had been lost! :( She chose to eat and eat and eat, to nurture herself -- but in the wrong way! It was the only way she had known for years.
And here, with letting my feelings out, even the ones that scare me, make me feel helpless, embarrassed and/or silly, I have been able to explore my true inner self... the little girl who is frightened, lost and unhappy. I am learning to recognise my Mouth hunger better, and more often.
I had a breakthrough just a few days ago, as I said. And I saw that my needs are not only going unmet, but it's ME who is not fulfilling them. It is ME who has pushed them aside. I FINALLY saw some things I want from my life.
I used to act, in theatre and was in some small films when I was younger, in my 20's. I never pursued it because I knew I could not handle rejection, which is part of auditioning, of course. Now I am looking at audtioning at a local theater.
I haven't been horseback riding in decades either, feeling too fat. Would the horse lie down, throw me off? Now I am looking into that, too.
And I am saving up money to travel a bit. No longer will every penny go into our business. I want to see the world, even if slowly and not too far away at first.
What a weight -- pun intended! -- has been lifted! To see some of why my Mouth hunger gets to me, so often, so fast, and so hard.
Why, I might even discover who I am, just by staying here at Spark, and working the plan!