Thursday, September 13, 2012
"I'm tired. I'm tired of being good all the time, I'm tired of maintaining. I'm tired of feeling like my value in the world is the fact that I lost the weight, and feeling like I'm judged for it. If I keep the weight off, I'm annoying the people who are struggling. And if I put it back on, it just proves that fat people never have enough willpower or determination to not be fat." -- From "Good Enough to Eat" by Stacey Ballis
A friend gave me this book a few months ago, and I only picked it up this week. This has brilliantly summed up my feelings over the last several months. I've been floundering for months and I have a myriad of reasons (excuses) as to why I haven't eaten well or exercised like I should. I've been doing really well with only getting on the scale once a week instead of every day, simply because I don't want to know what it says. Thankfully, I've only been going up and down the same 3 pounds. YES, I said thankfully, because it's only been on a wish and a prayer. A lot of times, I feel like a fraud.
When I started my journey, the ONLY goals I had were to run a 5K and lose half my body weight. I still haven't run one and I've been the same 20 pounds from my goal since April... The Turkey Trot is maybe 10 weeks away, and I'm NOT ready. I haven't run in weeks. I'm never going to get closer to my goal weight if I don't do something about it.
I had a bit of a health scare a few weeks ago. I ended up in the hospital with a weird feeling in my chest. Not "chest pains" but a strange fluttering sensation, like my heart was skipping a beat. I went to the ER and they did all of their tests...EKG, blood work, urine, x-rays, and whatever else they did. All I could think about was how hard I've worked over the last 2 years, and NOW something is wrong with my heart?!? Thankfully, all of it came back negative. They were more concerned about my low resting heart rate. Since I started exercising regularly, it's gone from about 90 to between 40-45. It totally freaked out the ER docs.
They admitted me overnight, and when the hospitalist came in the next morning after reviewing all of my labs, paperwork, etc., she told me my resting heart rate was absolutely normal with my level of exercise, and my diet, etc. Apparently, it drops down to 30 when I sleep. I was, however, dehydrated and my potassium levels were low. Good thing the nurse woke me at 2am to give me two GIANT potassium pills and jam an IV in my arm! All of this was, more that likely, due to the fact I had just come home from camping. There was a lot of hiking, swimming, eating too much crap, and not drinking enough water, but plenty of beer. They said, the salt laden foods, the dehydration (it's a viscous cycle) and add to that the caffeine jolt from my Monday morning pot-o-coffee, probably would have caused "some type of reaction" that I could "feel" but not necessarily be seen medically.
The hospitalist, another physician, and 2 nurses, asked if I was a runner. No, why? "Well, you have a lot of muscle around you heart, which is why it works so efficiently. Your RHR of 45 and only 30 when you sleep... It's something that we typically only see in runners." HOLY CRAP, are you kidding me?!? You're telling me that, literally, I have the heart of a runner? So WHY cant I get my a$$ back on the road?
I still can't wrap my head around that one. I know I've done the right things over the last couple of years to get healthy, but to actually hear, that regardless of what the outside still looks like, your insides are doing great... that makes it all worth it right? So WHY can't get focused?
I've been thinking about this A LOT over the last several weeks. If you read the last blog, you know that I've enjoyed living my life this summer. Then the kids went back to school, and I was supposed to "get back to it." That hasn't happened yet. So I've been using, "I've been so busy with the kids new schedule, activities, homework, blah, blah, blah." WHEN will the excuses end? I'm not looking for a pity party, or a "you can do it!" I know I can do, I've done it, and I think that's still part of the problem, my complacency.
See, I told you this was a bunch of nonsense...
I need to STOP making excuses and START getting serious if I intend to finish this. I know I've said it before, HOLD ME TO IT!!! I know I have some great, sparkly friends, who have been SO supportive of me thru this journey, and THIS is when I REALLY need you. I hate to ask for this, but I REALLY need a kick in the butt. I need to get back to eating right, focus on losing the last 20 and get my "runner's heart" back on the road. I love you guys, and I wouldn't have gotten this far without you... so give me that final push.