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WHAT is going on?!? Some serious ramblings...

Thursday, September 13, 2012

"I'm tired. I'm tired of being good all the time, I'm tired of maintaining. I'm tired of feeling like my value in the world is the fact that I lost the weight, and feeling like I'm judged for it. If I keep the weight off, I'm annoying the people who are struggling. And if I put it back on, it just proves that fat people never have enough willpower or determination to not be fat." -- From "Good Enough to Eat" by Stacey Ballis

A friend gave me this book a few months ago, and I only picked it up this week. This has brilliantly summed up my feelings over the last several months. I've been floundering for months and I have a myriad of reasons (excuses) as to why I haven't eaten well or exercised like I should. I've been doing really well with only getting on the scale once a week instead of every day, simply because I don't want to know what it says. Thankfully, I've only been going up and down the same 3 pounds. YES, I said thankfully, because it's only been on a wish and a prayer. A lot of times, I feel like a fraud.

When I started my journey, the ONLY goals I had were to run a 5K and lose half my body weight. I still haven't run one and I've been the same 20 pounds from my goal since April... The Turkey Trot is maybe 10 weeks away, and I'm NOT ready. I haven't run in weeks. I'm never going to get closer to my goal weight if I don't do something about it.

I had a bit of a health scare a few weeks ago. I ended up in the hospital with a weird feeling in my chest. Not "chest pains" but a strange fluttering sensation, like my heart was skipping a beat. I went to the ER and they did all of their tests...EKG, blood work, urine, x-rays, and whatever else they did. All I could think about was how hard I've worked over the last 2 years, and NOW something is wrong with my heart?!? Thankfully, all of it came back negative. They were more concerned about my low resting heart rate. Since I started exercising regularly, it's gone from about 90 to between 40-45. It totally freaked out the ER docs.

They admitted me overnight, and when the hospitalist came in the next morning after reviewing all of my labs, paperwork, etc., she told me my resting heart rate was absolutely normal with my level of exercise, and my diet, etc. Apparently, it drops down to 30 when I sleep. I was, however, dehydrated and my potassium levels were low. Good thing the nurse woke me at 2am to give me two GIANT potassium pills and jam an IV in my arm! All of this was, more that likely, due to the fact I had just come home from camping. There was a lot of hiking, swimming, eating too much crap, and not drinking enough water, but plenty of beer. They said, the salt laden foods, the dehydration (it's a viscous cycle) and add to that the caffeine jolt from my Monday morning pot-o-coffee, probably would have caused "some type of reaction" that I could "feel" but not necessarily be seen medically.

The hospitalist, another physician, and 2 nurses, asked if I was a runner. No, why? "Well, you have a lot of muscle around you heart, which is why it works so efficiently. Your RHR of 45 and only 30 when you sleep... It's something that we typically only see in runners." HOLY CRAP, are you kidding me?!? You're telling me that, literally, I have the heart of a runner? So WHY cant I get my a$$ back on the road?

I still can't wrap my head around that one. I know I've done the right things over the last couple of years to get healthy, but to actually hear, that regardless of what the outside still looks like, your insides are doing great... that makes it all worth it right? So WHY can't get focused?

I've been thinking about this A LOT over the last several weeks. If you read the last blog, you know that I've enjoyed living my life this summer. Then the kids went back to school, and I was supposed to "get back to it." That hasn't happened yet. So I've been using, "I've been so busy with the kids new schedule, activities, homework, blah, blah, blah." WHEN will the excuses end? I'm not looking for a pity party, or a "you can do it!" I know I can do, I've done it, and I think that's still part of the problem, my complacency.

See, I told you this was a bunch of nonsense...

I need to STOP making excuses and START getting serious if I intend to finish this. I know I've said it before, HOLD ME TO IT!!! I know I have some great, sparkly friends, who have been SO supportive of me thru this journey, and THIS is when I REALLY need you. I hate to ask for this, but I REALLY need a kick in the butt. I need to get back to eating right, focus on losing the last 20 and get my "runner's heart" back on the road. I love you guys, and I wouldn't have gotten this far without you... so give me that final push.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CATDUG19
    Great honest blog! We have all been tired its really hard to stay motivated. Maybe its time to set new goals and add an instentive program. I give myself something nice for every ten pounds I lose.
    1979 days ago
    Holly, I am sorry I did not see t his until now. Things have been nuts around here, and I just am overwhelmed with everything. Anyway, I totally get where you are coming from! I am having the same problems. I lose a few pounds and then I gain 1 or 2 back, and SO easily. Even with all the running I'm doing, I can gain it back so fast. It's just so hard now to even lose 1 freakin pound. I'm frustrated and I've been stress eating lately and so hungry from the training. I know you'll figure this out. I am sure it's completely normal with people who have lost a lot of weight and it's not always going to go smoothly. That is awesome that you are so healthy. Sometimes I wonder what my test would come out like if I had them done. I feel really healthy and strong, I am just worried my triglycerides are going to still be high.
    1980 days ago
  • PATIB13
    I think you got the push before I even put a note on this...but here goes....kick in the butt lady!!! They have confirmed it for you a heart of a runner....it is inside of you...remember your kids yelling, cheering you on...go! go! go!!!!!!! I know the feeling of needing that push that is what I have been needing....

    So here you go my friend- emoticon Keep running, Keeping going, and remember it is inside of you already.
    1985 days ago
    Consider this response a kick in the butt you fellow runner with the runners heart!! How about doing the virtual 5 K trick or treat run with me? Time to start training again girlie... emoticon
    1987 days ago
  • ROSET491
    Sorry I missed this when you first posted!
    Now you know what you have to do!! As far as the turkey trot you CAN still do it! 10 weeks is 10 weeks~even if you walk/run get out there and do it you will be so glad and it will motivate you more than you can believe! I'm on a team that we're starting a Thanksgiving Challenge 10 pounds by Turkey Day!! Just the Spark I need!

    1987 days ago
    I am so glad I caught this blog; I missed it the first time around. Complacency is a word bouncing around in my head too, just a little differently. I am glad you are aware to recognize that a change needs to happen and that you will do what you have to and get it done. Everyone has your back girl so consider yourself held. Now go get em'. Rawr! emoticon
    1987 days ago
    Hey there! I can't believe I missed this but haven't had a lot of time to troll on Spark as much as I did before so I didn't see this until now. You can totally do this! I am SO much l like you right now - I've been at the same weight for over a year and trying to figure out what my problem is. The problem is that I'm complacent at my current weight and there's nothing that is making me make more changes. We can do this! Let's get back on track!
    1987 days ago
  • TEMPEST272002
    Hello twin. Can I copy & paste this to my blog because the details may be different, but the story is the same. I'm going to have to check out that book. Sounds like a good read. I find it helpful to know that it's not just me struggling at this point and having these thoughts. It also starts me wondering how we could best support each other right now while we're trying to refocus on our weight-loss goals. Maybe we should try doing some kind of mini-challenge together? What do you think?
    1988 days ago
    You need to make it fun. Find a way to enjoy that run or whatever it is that you want to do and do it in a way that is both pleasurable for you and something that you look forward to - not a chore, not something you have to "achieve" or be judged about - just something that makes YOU feel good.

    Good luck to you!!

    emoticon emoticon
    1989 days ago
    Come on kid you know what to do. Do it!
    1989 days ago
  • SJOHNS30
    Thats awesome that ur heart is so fit!! My first 5k was a mental obstacle... why not sign up now and have a goal of finishing.. even if u walk??? Having too high expectations kept me from taking the plunge so when i changed my goal from running a 5k to participating in a 5k i was able to do it and actually ended up running most of it. Who says u arent ready!? U can totally walk 3 miles. U have to start somewhere and ull be so proud.
    1989 days ago

    I feel you. I have been battling the same 20 pounds to goal since February. So I think I really understand what you are going through. You have accomplished so much but yet you feel like you can't reach that goal you set for yourself. It's frustrating in a way many can't understand or comprehend. I mean we should be glad we lost 110+ pounds. We should be happy we have significantly improved our health. However we have a hard time doing the things we know we need to do to get where we need to go. I think it goes back to the saying I have on my spark page. We have to accept and understand that we can and are awesome. We have to continue to push ourselves further and harder than we have in the past. We have to show ourselves just exactly what we are capable of and even push beyond that now. This is the time we need to push ourselves harder than ever. It's easy to get up and exercise when you hate what you see in the mirror every morning. It's harder when you don't mind and everybody is telling you how good you have done. We have to resolve it in ourselves to be even better than we thought we could be. I the beginning I know I didn't think I would get here. I had no clue what here would look like and I know that is a reason why I am stuck I don't know what goal will look and feel like. I can't focus on that I have to focus on doing the damn work! Each and everyday and being better about it than I ever have been. That is what is gonna get us there!!! Consider that kick in the pants delivered. Eat with a purpose! Exercise with a Vengeance! Leave it all on the field. don't hold anything back the only thing between you and the finish is YOU! Lets go!!!!

    emoticon emoticon
    1989 days ago
    I love MAMADWARF's comment. We too were neck and nack at one stage,and then I overtook you....and then look what happened; I gained 37 pounds in 2 months.Learn from me...don't get complacent now because otherwise it will creep back on before you know it. You need to get your spark back and you need to get it back NOW before you end up like me .Like MAMADWARF says,this is for life otherwise we're doing it for nothing.You want a kick up the butt? emoticon emoticon emoticon take 3 kicks up the butt!! It's not that YOU CAN DO IT....it's that you've GOT to do it.....and I'll be right here if you need me.Don't hide away.Keep yourself accountable.Stop looking for excuses and look for solutions because at the end of the day what is it that you REALLY want? emoticon emoticon
    1990 days ago
    sorry about your scare!
    I just found out I have an arrythmia so I was floundering for a while
    I signed myself up for the spark trick or treat trot to refocus myself.
    1990 days ago

    Thanks to Mamadwarf, we are all here to tell you the same thing. This is now your life. You can choose to get on with living or go back to being fat. It is DO or DO NOT DO but no maybe. Your choice. Start looking at those before pictures. Remember not fitting in chairs. Remember huffing and puffing your way EVERYWHERE!!! Get Off Your BUTT. Right Now.

    . just so you don't think I am mean. This is what it will take, EVERYTHING YOU HAVE. Tough luck if you're tired.

    1990 days ago
    Wow. Glad to hear the medical issue turned out to be nothing serious.

    Is there any possibility that there's some subconscious fear that's holding you back from meeting your goals? It seems like there are a lot of people who get very close to their goals, but not quite all the way there. Sure, the last 20 pounds are the toughest to lose. It just seems like there's some kind of mental/emotional thing that goes on as well when people get close to their goals.

    I'm going through some of the same things as you are right now in some ways. I've slipped on my workouts, including running which I've haven't done in 3 or 4 weeks. My 100K relay is in a month. Maybe an accountability buddy, or something like that would help? Not sure how to give you a kick in the butt, since I need one too right now!
    1990 days ago
    Hey there...have been thinking of you...like Mamadwarf we were at similar places weight wise at one point and then you sped past me with all your focus and determination. It is still in there....dig deep...and pick at least one thing to focus on right now when you don't want to. Daily exercise, logging your food, whatever. Get back into the routine.

    I don't see a Turkey trot in my town on Thanksgiving...but I have a route mapped out from my house that is 3.3miles..... My goal was to get back to c25k after my bronchitis is better....so if it helps to have a virtual buddy...I'll plan train over the next couple months to run my loop (hopefully the whole thing...not run/walk) Thanksgiving morning.

    stay in the game! :)
    1990 days ago
    heart of a runner...i LOVE that comment. So what IS keeping you from your workout routine?
    1990 days ago
    Anything that I want to say was said WAY more eloquently by MamaDwarf. She's right. Don't let things drop to the wayside.

    Congrats on the runner heart, though I would be careful. He may want it back one day. :)

    (Hope you feel better and get "on the road" to recovery soon!)

    1990 days ago
    i KNEW something was going on.. you were way too quiet. This is the way I see it, Holly. You bought into the fact that because you have lost SO MUCH and were way healthier etc. You thought there was an end. THere isnt. There never is going to be.

    WE will always have to work on it and be aware because if you dont, well, all know where that will lead.

    THis is your LIFE, and your lifeSTYLE! Remember when you committed to that? Yea me too.

    We started around the same time and we were neck and neck for awhile, then you passed me by and have lost double the weight. DOUBLE!!

    So this is what you are going to do.

    SUNDAY CHECK IN's starting this week. NO excuses. I want to hear from you every single check in. Got it? good.

    I want you to be thinking of your first goal starting NOW that you are going to accomplish next week and I would prefer it to be something having to do with some running because, after all, you ARE a runner. SO run.

    I love you girl. You are one of my greatest inspirations. Back in the saddle even if you dont feel like riding. THe Horse aint gonna run itself.
    Do it.

    1990 days ago
    I keep repeating in my head lines from your blog, "Well, you have a lot of muscle around you heart, which is why it works so efficiently. Your RHR of 45 and only 30 when you sleep... It's something that we typically only see in runners." Holy cow. This hits me like a ton of bricks.

    Holly, you don't get the heart of a runner by doing a couple of aerobics classes a week. Darling', I hate to break it to you when you are so entrenched in your denial, but you ARE a runner. You are an athlete. So what if you've been taking a break?! You've also been maintaining your weight.

    I loved the comment Pookasluagh wrote on this blog. It's time to shift your focus. Stronger, not skinnier. Leaner, not thinner. Quality, not quantity.

    We can't give it to you or make you do it. You have to dig deep and find your own treasure. However, you CAN do it. I think you need to internalize who you are now.

    Thank you for this blog. Seriously.

    It's still swirling in my head, "The heart of a runner." emoticon
    1990 days ago
    You need to use this health scare as a wake up call. That's what it took for us and I know you've come a long way already but you don't want to fall into that complacency that can lead to relapse. I know this is all a pain in the @ss but you know what? Welcome to your life, there's no turning back (I often quote Tears for Fears when I get deep). Well actually there is turning back and you know what that life was like. Unfortunately many of us at this site don't have it as "easy" as some people who can get away with eating what they want, drinking their calories and putting forth crappy efforts and still not gain much, if anything. We've gotta change, work out butts off for results (or not depending on how our bodies feel), try to find what works and when that stops working we have to see what else works. It's friggin exhausting. But that's the way it is for us and I guess you have to decide if you're okay with that or not. I guarantee deciding you don't care enough to keep up the mundane crap it takes day in and day out will NOT get you a runners heart! (It might get your heart disease though depending on how far off the path you get, you dig?)

    Sorry, you got "week before her period" Mrs tonight. LOL
    1990 days ago
    I have to say, I'm super impressed with your RHR! Even at the peak of high school athleticism, mine was only around 50! No wonder it's harder for you to lose weight now - and how awful that that's the truth: as your heart gets stronger and more efficient, we burn a whole heck of a lot fewer calories when we exercise.

    You know I've been feeling like this a lot lately. Complacent, frustrated, cycling up and down the same pounds. I'm tired of this, and I started doing things I should do just to make the scale move, like eating too little for my activity level. It made me sick, and stopped working after like 2 weeks. And then I said no more. I know this sounds terrible, but I've watched Sparkfriend after Sparkfriend regain weight after losing fast, and so I've made a lot of changes over the last month. I've decided that I'm close enough to go - 21-26 lbs or so - that I'm switching over to focusing on getting stronger, rather than on the scale. I don't mind if I lose weight slower, if I'm keeping my body fat percentage on a downward trend, and getting stronger muscles. I don't know if you saw any of my recent blogs, but at the beginning of last week, I started a 6-month weight lifting program that I really, really like, and since I began it, I haven't lost any weight, but I've lost an inch around each part of my waist: top, belly button, and spare tire region. Crazy! Better than that, I'm starting to get much stronger, and can *almost* do an unassisted pullup now. That's after only 5 sessions of the program. Changing focus has helped me a lot. I'm still frustrated that the scale isn't moving, but I'm seeing progress in other places, and it's taken me out of the weight loss mentality. I don't want to get to where that quote talks about in your blog - I want to focus on being strong, fit, athletic, lean. Maybe if you find a different focus, you can also get out of your funk?
    1990 days ago
    I struggle with consistency too. I have to remind myself that I'm striving for a lifestyle change. Old habits and excuses might creep up but it's ok, none of us are perfect. Practice makes perfect :-) One day at a time and sometimes one change at a time, that is what I tell myself. You can do this!
    1990 days ago
    Holly, YOU GOT THIS!! Cheering you on from Dallas!!! 10 weeks is a perfect amount of time to get ready for your Turkey Trot!! I do it every year here in Dallas, so much fun!! I clearly can't understand how you're feeling since I can't seem to be meeting my own goals ..just yet! I am here to cheer you on!
    1990 days ago
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