Yesterday, Resignation. Today, Fear. Tomorrow...
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Yesterday, started off as a pretty good day, even though my baby got me up at 2am and wanted to play. Then it went downhill, quickly. First we had a fight about Mommy having the right to go back to bed, especially when the furry, little terrorist is napping on the sofa within five minutes of waking me up, by sitting on me and cutting off my air!! Then when I couldn't go back to sleep, I realized that I really wanted to exercise, so I got my tape out, put it in, and chair danced. When I went to stand up my entire left side, spasmed so hard it dropped me back into my chair. I did some stretches, gritting through the pain and went on with cleaning the kitchen and fixing my breakfast. I got involved with trying to straighten out a problem with my computer and fix some layaway issues, and ate everything on my plate, which was way past full. Then I did research on Chemically-Induced Cardiac Stress Tests, my doctor had scheduled one. Well, it turned out that I am on 3 meds that are counterindicated for the drugs they use during the test, there is a good chance Medicare will not cover the test with the diagnosis that the doctor used, and my therapist thinks my current stress level and a stress test are a bad mix. I tried explaining all of this to my aunt, who is my POA and "caregiver" and she uh-huhs and agrees with me than gives me the numbers to call. Well, I do not do well talking to people on the phone, it is a big stressor for me. But she wasn't going to do it and the test was scheduled for this morning. So, I called, it turned into a big deal. When I got off the phone I was shaking.
I looked around me at the mess the house is in, I am waiting to be approved for a professional caregiver, who would clean the house and do my laundry, my dirty clothes have taken over my closet and the floors need to be vacuumed really bad. I went to write, but couldn't, then I went to play games and my computer kept getting hung up. So, I threw up my hands in defeat and went and had a bowl of chili on chips with avocado cream, in rebellion. It wasn't even 10am yet. I spent the rest of the day in a funk, resigned to the fact that I am always going to be really fat, I will never again just leave and go places like regular people do and it would never change because the person who is supposed to be helping me, forgets to send in paperwork and I keep getting disapproved for things. So I went and got in the bed, pulled the covers over my head and stayed there. When I am asleep, I don't care about all of these things.
Today, I got up at 3am, did my exercise and fought horrible heartburn from yesterday's chili episode, realized that my left side still hurts. I took my blood pressure and it was 164/110, which is nowhere in the realm of good. True, I haven't taken my medicine yet, you know the one, I swore I would not start taking, well I did and it might make the blood pressure come down, but it might not. I still cannot tell if I am losing or gaining and I was suddenly terrified, that I am going to die before the day is out, because I do not feel good. I am still terrified, if I allow myself to stop long enough to think about anything.
Tomorrow, well, for the first time the thought is entering my head, that if I do not get my weight and blood pressure under control and keep them there, there are no tomorrows. Who would take care of my special needs cat, who would not survive going back to a pound? How will my parents be okay if I go from stupid reasons like this, years before I have to, and before my father and I can see each other again. We just found one another about 4 years ago, we haven't had a face-to-face conversation since my third birthday. He is wheel-chaired bound and I am agoraphobic, so it has been something we dream about but has not happened yet. How will the world get to read my stories or sing my songs? I realized that I really am not ready to die. And I realized that I really might, if things do not change. I really want tomorrows.