I don't really count this as a blog update (I'm at school and I have like...5 minutes, haha). But I want to post this to remind myself of just how FAR I have come in the past year and a half. While I may be struggling to get completely back on my feet, I know if there's one thing holding me back from getting back to where I was it's myself. I am SO hard on myself. For example, my boyfriend is very complimentary, yet every time he tells me he loves how fit I'm working to be or how beautiful he thinks I am (both very sincere things), I almost immediately follow it up with "not enough." Not pretty enough, not thin enough, I'm still too fat, how does he find me attractive, etc. And not only is that not healthy for me, it's not healthy for my relationship. I should be happy to know I have a partner who is comfortable complimenting me and being honest with how he feels when he wants to be.
And those are things I say to him; the things I say to myself are MUCH crueler.
I know self-hatred is one of the things that held me back for yeaaaars when it came to my weight and my health. I was fat, unlovable, and undesireable anyway. And if my body was bad, my personality was worse. So why try?
For months I did a fantastic job of letting those thoughts go, but now that I've slowed down due to all my current life changes, and now that I'm just starting to get back on the wagon after a 10+ month absence from consistent healthy eating and exercise, they've come back with a vengeance. And it is NOT okay.
So, coincidentally, while looking at my facebook images this morning, I found my senior pics hidden in a photo album I was sure I deleted months ago. Apparently I didn't delete it; I just hid it from everyone but myself and chose never to think about it again. Looking at those photos today, I was astounded. While I may have gained 30 lbs back, I am NOT the same size I was before, which is something I like to tell myself in the mirror every now and again when I feel dissatisfied with how much I've gained. Yes, 30 lbs is alot and not satisfactory for my health, but even with those 30 lbs added on I have still lost 90lbs. While I don't consider myself "thin," I'm not obese. I am overweight, but there is nothing stopping me from getting back to where I want to be and where I once was just under a year ago.
So, to help inspire myself, I am going to post these images here. No one has seen them in over 5 years, but I feel publically comparing myself then to myself now is a great way to encourage positivity and to encourage me to keep doing what I'm doing, because it IS working. Senior pics will be first, and after those I will post pics of myself from early June that were taken as new "before" pics for any progress made during the rest of the year. I have lost about 10 lbs since, but these are most recent. Talk about a quick pick-me-up. I'm not there yet, but I'm so much farther than I was just 4 or 5 years ago. :) And right now, that's perfect for me.
Roughly 300 vs. 200 lbs:
PS: I wish the pics were bigger, but they've been resized. Let me know if they're too small!