Trying to wrap my head around things

Monday, September 10, 2012

I'm done. Done reporting that I've tried again and failed. Done giving in to my emotional ups and downs. Done putting others first. Done being someone I'm not.

When I look around me, I live a good life. Good family, great new house, decent job. But I just can't wrap my head around this happiness thing. Yes, I'm happy. Yes, I have stresses in my life that I have to deal with. Yes, I have love and joy in my life.

Then why do I feel so disconnected sometimes? I know I have thyroid and depression issues, but I feel I'm able to fight against them.

I feel that my weight right now is a true example of this disconnect - I still don't feel that my insides match by outside appearance.

Yes, I know that only I can make this change. What is it that clicks for some that I just can't seem to find in myself?

I start and then get derailed. And I know about all the positive stuff you need to do for yourself: accept who you are now, but then I struggle with how this contradicts how you must see yourself for where you and now and accept that you need to change.

A friend said it's 90% mental/10% action and I think that's true. But how did it get so convoluted? (however you spell it).

I know I just need to start NOW, but it still seems like an elusive dream to me to get back to my "fighting weight."

Is this my problem - I don't believe enough in myself? If this is the case, what do I do to combat my own self-doubt to make this happen? I usually start with such conviction, then become disappointed and feel guilty for not succeeding. I DO try again, and I DO reward myself for small victories, but those small victories just don't add up for me.

How do I become one of those people considered a "success story?"

How do I do it without being overwhelmed by it all and feeling guilty for not succeeding. I DO try one thing at a time, but never feel I master anything.

I know I'm rambling and many are probably tired of hearing my rants, but I'm interested in other perspectives.

I want to succeed at this. And I want to do it before I turn 50 in 2.5 years. I want to love myself again.

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