Monday, September 10, 2012
This weekend, I finally got what I've been wanting for so long. I finally came face to face with my mother.
It was huge. She screamed at me and I screamed back at her. But when the screaming stopped, I got to say how I've felt for all these years. She got defensive. She called me a liar. She said that the things I told her never happened. But that's okay. I know they did and I know that she cannot face herself. It's always somebody else's fault. Somebody else is always the reason why. I'm always defying her and getting an attitude when she says things to me. She thinks I'm weak, lazy and sloppy. That's cool too. She's angry because she can't control me, because I won't just roll over and do what she says.
I'm not surprised that my own mother would think so poorly of me. I've known all along that she felt those things. That she felt I was always to blame for the way she treated me. I get sick of these people who walk around being mean and nasty to others and then blame those people for their behavior. To me, she's the truly weak one.
But you know what else? I realized that all these years I've been saying "they" don't like me, "they" don't think I'm good enough, "they" don't accept me for who I am and all along it's been "her". She doesn't accept me for who I am. She kept telling me I needed to change. "You need to change. You need to change." It hit me like a thousand slaps to the face at once. THIS IS WHERE IT'S COMING FROM!!!! This is the root of the insecurity. This is where the idea came that I'm not acceptable as I am. This is where I began to feel worthless and like I don't matter. She's been telling me my whole life that nothing I do is ever enough. Honor roll student, award recipient, class president, Gifted & Talented, book writer. None of that was ever acknowledged! But she didn't mind pointing out how fat I was. Screaming at me to stop eating. Ignoring me when I tried talking to her. Treating me like I was such a bad kid when I hardly ever did anything but go to school and come home. I wasn't drinking, smoking, having sex or being disrespectful. I bent over backwards trying to please that @#$@! and it was NEVER ENOUGH!
So I quit. I'm absolutely positively done with her. This has been a lifelong battle and it shows no signs of stopping. That is who she is. I'm tired of being sympathetic to her, trying to understand where she's coming from, how she feels and her circumstances when she has ABSOLUTELY no regard for my feelings and how her nasty, spiteful and hateful words and behavior affect me or others. Mother or not, I will NOT be treated that way by anybody. And I will NO LONGER bend myself to fit her mold. If she can't accept me for who I am, that's her damn problem. I'm f-ing perfect the way I AM!!!!!
As hard as it was to have that fight, I needed it. I needed to finally say how I felt and make it known so there was no more pretense. She did exactly what I knew she would. I went against my better judgment thinking that we could talk like adults without all the shouting. Of course, everything was my fault. Of course it was. Because I know that she is not a person who can take responsibility for her actions. So there. It's done.
Now I have to work on reversing the script. I'm suddenly more conscious of things that I do that is like her. For instance, I get angry with people but I don't say anything and then I explode. Actually, I have been working on speaking my anger in a peaceful way for quite some time, so scratch that. I've done that in the past, but when I realized I was doing it, I started making the effort to be up front because it's not fair to the other person to have me bottle stuff up and then explode on them. It's better to say it, feel the discomfort that comes with confrontation, settle the matter and move on. I've matured. I'm not going to sit here and make myself feel bad over past mistake that I've made great strides to change.
Now I know I'm not worthless. I never have been. My thoughts and feelings do matter. They always have. I was taking the words of a miserable person and putting them on the lips of others. There are so many people who TRULY know me who can say so many wonderful things about me. And to sum up, they always tell me, "You're a really nice, caring person." See, not worthless at all. Good enough for some people. Even if it's not my own mother.
She hasn't even noticed that I've lost more weight. That's thanks in part to the Metformin and how it's working for me. I don't eat as much. I simply cannot stomach a lot of foods and some things I can't eat at all. It's coming off slowly, but it's coming off. I haven't joined the YMCA yet because of my money issues but I went in for a tour just last week and cannot wait to get back to swimming.
I can finally take off this coat of worthlessness. I don't need it nor do I deserve it. I was never my own worst enemy until I started to BELIEVE that crap that she spewed. My life will start over now. I'm going to give myself a few more weeks and then I will move out of her house. My cousin has said I can come back to my grandmother's house for a few months. I know my grandma would let me stay and wouldn't even charge me. Of course, I'd help around the house and buy things. But I don't want to live under my mother's roof for too much longer.
Sometimes quitting is not a bad thing. I refuse to be around someone who thinks so poorly of me and refuses to accept me. That is how I lost a friend of 15 years. I didn't have a problem walking away from her. I can do it again. You know why? Because I AM STRONG. And I won't be made to feel worthless another day of my life!