Monday, September 10, 2012
Those two words are so loaded with all sorts of meanings. Some good, some less so.
For me, I think I need some distance from the past. Doesn't mean I will leave behind the knowledge and experience I've gleaned from the journey thus far. Just that there is a whole lot of disappointment, guilt, negativity, crushed hopes and expectations that are weighing me down.
Quite literally, as it were. And I need to not let it aymore.
I need a clean slate of sorts. I need to let go of these past 15 months, take a deep breath, forgive myself for some failures, and forgive the universe for its harshness. I need to find acceptance in who I am NOW, what my life looks like NOW, what my limitations are and what my future might look like, or might not.
The last 15 months have been all about injuries, a foot fracture, a hip inflammation and since April and terribly bad acute lumbago. It is slowly getting better, I can now walk and do some light PT. During this injured time I have gained back all the weight I lost since joining SP (about 20 pounds).
A new challenge is starting up and one of the tasks for this week is outlining 5 goals for the duration of the challenge and the way to achieve them. I'd like to do this a little differently, by outlining short and long term goals.
Short term goals:
I am hopful that there will come a day soon when I'll be able to
possibly even bend without too much pain.
These are feasible goals. Both my chiro and my physical therapist think so. That day is not here yet, though. I have my exercises, I have my schedule and my treatment appointments. I need to trust in this process and not let unreasonable expectations derail me.
Long term goals:
[This is where I start feeling a little depressed.]
* I love running. Right now five running steps sends me to bed, reaching for my pain pills. But maybe one day? Neither the PT or my chiro make any promises.
* I can't leave my house without a special back pillow to support my lower back in case I need to sit down. I'd like to be able to do without it in a pinch. Right now, if I don't have it I won't be able to sit more than maybe 5 minutes. I have one at work and that's okay. I have a few at home in strategic places and that's okay too. But having to carry one around? Not so much fun. We'll see.
* I'd like to reduce the amount of pain pills I need to take. I am now taking one prescription pill (tylenol with codeine 4) and two OTC pills on most days (much, MUCH improved over the past five months). I'd like to do without the prescription pills, especially.
* I'd like to be able to ride my road racing bike again. That means being able to bend, so that is step one (and a short term goal), but I also need to strengthen my back (which will involve harder strength training than I am cleared for at the moment. I need to be patient and wait.
[I am not good at waiting.]
My program looks like this per my physical therapist's orders:
- walking a minimum of 45 min/day
- gentle strength training (floor exercises) 15 min/day
- breathing exercises to learn to relax my torso (which is in constant tension, for some reason).
Back to the starting over bit.
I think giving myself permission to "start over" will help me adjust my expectations, help me be gentler and more forgiving to myself. I am my own harshest critic, and it is not doing anything good for me at the moment. At a time when I need patience and caring, antyhing that will push me harder is more likely to just set me back more.
So. Not back at square one (OMG, I am so far from square one that I can't even imagine where that square is! That person who was at square one a couple of years ago doesn't even exist anymore.), but trying to accept who I am now, what I can and cannot do right now, and what I want to achieve short term and long term.
That is all.