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    MINNA72   69,621
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On starting over (or fighting my way back to health)


Monday, September 10, 2012

Starting over.

Those two words are so loaded with all sorts of meanings. Some good, some less so.

For me, I think I need some distance from the past. Doesn't mean I will leave behind the knowledge and experience I've gleaned from the journey thus far. Just that there is a whole lot of disappointment, guilt, negativity, crushed hopes and expectations that are weighing me down.

Quite literally, as it were. And I need to not let it aymore.

I need a clean slate of sorts. I need to let go of these past 15 months, take a deep breath, forgive myself for some failures, and forgive the universe for its harshness. I need to find acceptance in who I am NOW, what my life looks like NOW, what my limitations are and what my future might look like, or might not.

The last 15 months have been all about injuries, a foot fracture, a hip inflammation and since April and terribly bad acute lumbago. It is slowly getting better, I can now walk and do some light PT. During this injured time I have gained back all the weight I lost since joining SP (about 20 pounds).

A new challenge is starting up and one of the tasks for this week is outlining 5 goals for the duration of the challenge and the way to achieve them. I'd like to do this a little differently, by outlining short and long term goals.

Short term goals:
I am hopful that there will come a day soon when I'll be able to

sit,

stand,

possibly even bend without too much pain.

These are feasible goals. Both my chiro and my physical therapist think so. That day is not here yet, though. I have my exercises, I have my schedule and my treatment appointments. I need to trust in this process and not let unreasonable expectations derail me.

Long term goals:
[This is where I start feeling a little depressed.]

* I love running. Right now five running steps sends me to bed, reaching for my pain pills. But maybe one day? Neither the PT or my chiro make any promises.

* I can't leave my house without a special back pillow to support my lower back in case I need to sit down. I'd like to be able to do without it in a pinch. Right now, if I don't have it I won't be able to sit more than maybe 5 minutes. I have one at work and that's okay. I have a few at home in strategic places and that's okay too. But having to carry one around? Not so much fun. We'll see.

* I'd like to reduce the amount of pain pills I need to take. I am now taking one prescription pill (tylenol with codeine 4) and two OTC pills on most days (much, MUCH improved over the past five months). I'd like to do without the prescription pills, especially.

* I'd like to be able to ride my road racing bike again. That means being able to bend, so that is step one (and a short term goal), but I also need to strengthen my back (which will involve harder strength training than I am cleared for at the moment. I need to be patient and wait.

[I am not good at waiting.]


My program looks like this per my physical therapist's orders:

- walking a minimum of 45 min/day
- gentle strength training (floor exercises) 15 min/day
- breathing exercises to learn to relax my torso (which is in constant tension, for some reason).


Back to the starting over bit.

I think giving myself permission to "start over" will help me adjust my expectations, help me be gentler and more forgiving to myself. I am my own harshest critic, and it is not doing anything good for me at the moment. At a time when I need patience and caring, antyhing that will push me harder is more likely to just set me back more.

So. Not back at square one (OMG, I am so far from square one that I can't even imagine where that square is! That person who was at square one a couple of years ago doesn't even exist anymore.), but trying to accept who I am now, what I can and cannot do right now, and what I want to achieve short term and long term.

That is all.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MINNA72 10/20/2012 7:26PM

    @ HSMOM2four - yep, I've had a normal x-ray and MRI, the first showed nothing, the second showed some anomalies, but nothing that would explain the level of pain. My brand-spanking-new physical therapaist said the other day that based on my history he thinks that the original injury (I fell back in 2001 while paragliding) caused the ligaments between (or surrounding?) the discs to stretch too much and that has caused an inherent instability in the lower back. Whenever the back muscles are too weak (when I stop exercising due to other injuries) to pick up the slack from the injured tendons, I get these periods of pain and inability to function normally. I need to reach a level of painlessness that I can start working the muscles again so that they are strong enough to support the weakend tendons.

Thanks for your optimism, it means a lot!

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HSMOM2FOUR 10/20/2012 7:45AM

    Have you had any tests (i.e. MRI) done to find the cause of your lumbago? Sounds like a disk issue to me...

Hope you are pain free soon! I admire your perserverance - quitting is not an option!

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REDELAINE1990 9/13/2012 6:27AM

    Minna, you will get there but you'll have to be patient, I have to learn this with myself, so often i am disappointed that I'm not well yet. But as others have said its one step at a time.

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NPA4LOSS 9/12/2012 10:45PM

    emoticon I know that you will come through this. There are some things that I will never be able to do again but I have found many good substitutes as will you. I think you will Sparkle this challenge and with time and patience you find peace where you need to, acceptance and an even brighter journey than before. You are a fighter and you will win this challenge! emoticon emoticon

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DALI3519 9/12/2012 7:44PM

    It sounds like hard painful work, but each day makes you stronger and eventually, you'll be able to do so much more!

You're doing great!!

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SIMPLELIFE4REAL 9/10/2012 6:46PM

    I'm glad your injuries are lessening enough for you to be able to walk 45 minutes. That is huge just to be able to do that. I bet with time, all of your abilities will come back, bit by bit. It's discouraging to have to start over, but the other possibility of not even trying is so much worse.

Walking is a great healer of all things. I wouldn't be surprised if you keep your walking up that you will be able to run and bike without pain next spring. "Easy does it" really works.

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ASPENHUGGER 9/10/2012 6:30PM

    Glad to hear you're on the road to recovery! Keep on focusing on your goals & taking baby steps toward them!
emoticon emoticon

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DDOORN 9/10/2012 11:09AM

    You've learned SO MUCH that this is hardly starting over from scratch! I'm sure you will pull together a great deal of knowledge from these tough times that you can make even BETTER progress now! Kudos to YOU!

Don

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BELIEVING-N-ME 9/10/2012 9:08AM

    emoticon You can do it! Just take it one step at a time. We are here for you!

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BILL60 9/10/2012 9:03AM

    Hang tough and try to put more positives into your goals....want/try are limiters. I don't want to be skinny, but rather I will be skinny. I'm not gonna try to run, but rather I will run. Hang tough and the best to you.

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RUNNER12COM 9/10/2012 9:02AM

    You will run again. You and I have a date to run San Diego and Stockholm. :)

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MUSOLF6 9/10/2012 7:17AM

    emoticon emoticon

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DOROTHYBERO 9/10/2012 6:00AM

    emoticon One day at a time, one hour at a time, one step at a time - don' rush it too much and it will come! emoticon

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NUOVAELLE 9/10/2012 5:31AM

    "With baby steps, we can achieve the biggest of our dreams..."
I know it's challenging and it requires every little bit of strength and patience you have inside you. I know you feel you're thrown so far back that you can't even see square one somewhere in the distance. But it's there. And so is your goal. Think about how good it felt to be able to ride your bike all the way to work. (I still remember your status update on this - I was so proud of you!) I know you'll get there one day. Just don't try to speed things up. Try to practice patience - you're a mom, you can do this!
I'll be right here to support you.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LIVELAUFLUV 9/10/2012 5:31AM

    Set backs can be really tough, but they can also be a great learning experience! Use this time to learn about your body, don't focus on your limitations, focus on what you are lucky enough to be able to do! I was laid up last fall, and it was really difficult, but I learned alot from the experience.

We are here for you!!!!!!! You can do it!!!!!!!!

emoticon

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GHOSTFLAMES 9/10/2012 5:06AM

    ONE DAY AND ONE STEP AT A TIME WE WILL ALL DO THIS WE ARE WORTH IT.
HOPE ALL GETS BETTER FOR YOU REAL SOON AND YOU CAN MODIFY ANY EXERCISE YOU NEED TO THAT IS A GOOD THING AS LONG AS YOU KEEP MOVING YOU WILL GET THERE.
WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU IF YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL JUST ASK GOOD LUCK ON YOUR SPARK JOURNEY AS WELL.

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